Couch 237: Social Rules

Hugs, Scarlet.

LT, I've had that exact same conversation with my wife so many times! Oh, you decided to do that thing I've been suggesting for months because somebody else told you to do it?? At least her therapist is slowly coming over to my side because she told her recently, "You should ask ElectricManatee what she thinks. She has good instincts about this."

I hope you feel at peace about whatever educational decision you made.

I was looking up more info about cardiac stents today and learned that the first one was placed in 1986. I've been making myself feel a little less worried/scared about h having to get one by reminding myself that 40 years ago, it wasn't a possibility and his blockage would get worse etc. Trying to move from worried/scared to grateful for the technology.


If other things would just stop going wrong until after we get that all over with it would be helpful but I guess life doesn't work that way, does it? Our refrigerator quit working during the night at some point last night so we've tried to salvage what we could from the freezer today and I'll be doing lots of cooking of the previously frozen meat tomorrow after work and inviting our friends over for dinner. We had milkshakes for lunch today before tossing the rest of the mostly-melted ice cream. At least those were yummy! A few other things have gone wrong as well the past few days already but I've been reminding myself allllll day in reality they're alllll minor things compared to his heart thing I just need to be an adult and deal with them all one at a dang time and stop expecting life to be a hallmark movie (thank you L, for sticking to your guns on that one, cuz you were right to say it, I do tend to be like that). I know I've reacted badly to it all partly due to being worried about h, and partly due to whatever this virus is I've been fighting since Friday.


Well I didn't mean to write that much.

Thanks Kit and Velcro. I really like the cardiologist a lot, I'm grateful he's so personable and takes a lot of time with us, and I need to remember that he said we can call him anytime with questions because that makes me feel better about it all too.

I'm sorry you're feeling so lonely Kit. Glad you have whats app, can you do zoom or something too maybe? we're still doing our family zoom calls on Sundays, well the free ones anyway so we usually get cut off with someone in mid-sentence, haha but at least we can see each other's faces me in Arizona, my brother on the East coast, and my mom/sisters back in Missouri.


Keep on posting here, I probably will be popping on during the nights at some point this week if I can't sleep. Last night h was awake too so we were talking about all kinds of stuff so I didn't get up but he was up with me at 5:15 this morning, so he'll likely be out like a light here pretty soon and sleep the night away. I'm heading to bed now but knowing me, I'll sleep for a few hours then be wide awake with worry at 1am or something. If I am I'll get on here just in case you or anyone else is here.

H used to get really frustrated with me when I would tell him something L had said in a session and say how it seemed right to me and he would say "I told you that too! Why don't you believe me?"

The person I am dating now says "you and X (the therapist she has been seeing for 30 yrs) agree." so that does help some -it drove me nuts when she gave the therapist credit for things I had been saying for years. It wouldn't bother me with a friend but drove me nuts when she did it with a therapits

You're a thoughtful person, SK

In comparison, the Kit Kats are larger, and there's more flavours available. Not sure how the chocolate coating compares yet.

If you can, I definitely recommend ordering Norwegian chocolate (brand Freia) over Amazon or something. It blows a lot of chocolate out of the water, and I really miss it haha.

That sounds so stressful, sending hugs.

Thanks for the suggestion!

Much of the chocolate sold in the US (mass market) is of inferior quality. The artisan chocolate is much better and I don't mind paying a bit more for higher quality...but most of them have a particular fondness for dark chocolate which I do not share.

However, I will say that for the the mass market items I've gotten from Europe..mainly baked goods with a chocolate coating like gingerbread or coconut macaroons... the chocolate is of subpar quality as well. Some were from Aldi, some were from other (higher quality) sources. I don't think the USA is alone in this regard. There is cr@p chocolate and "chocolate-y" stuff being peddled all around the globe.

If anyone knows of a website or blog or whatever content source that lists reasonably priced milk chocolate...I don't mind also sorting through the dark chocolate recs...please share! My favorite is Guittard.

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That's funny! I feel better that it's not just me. And I like how her T is suggesting she talk to you!

And thanks. For now, I feel at peace. The good thing is, if we have serious regrets at the start of school in the fall, we can change it back.

Good to know it's not just me!


I think sometimes it's having someone on the outside explaining it. And with my T--I imagine it was the same with L--it's that they might essentially be saying the same thing as our spouses, but the way they explain it is different, so it hits us in a different way. Or it might be that they're the second person to say that thing, so it starts to sink in more.

Based on how you feel about therapists, I can certainly see why that would bother you. That's good she's figured out to change her wording to "you and X agree." Maybe I should try that...

Last night a former student introduced me to the Latin Wordle, the GreekWordle, and a 32 Wordles at once fame called Duotrigordle.

She must harbor an unconscious grudge against me.

i think it's both for me! even if L didn't explain it differently, used the exact same words as h, her delivery was almost always more accepting and caring whereas I would likely perceive h's as being condescending or accusing or whatever else negative. i suppose i should think about why that is....

Hugs Scarlet

Hugs Artie. I am sorry so many things are going wrong right now. I hope the world settles back into a place of equilibrium for you soon and sending you love and hugs for H and his procedure. I hope it all goes well. Try not to stress. Worrying doesn't really help anything. But I know...easier said than done.

Oh my gosh, thank you so much!

I talked to T last night via Zoom. It was kind of helpful. She was like, am I right that we won't be meeting on Tuesday (tonight) because we met today? I was like, well I would actually like to still keep that appointment if I could because I am still struggling. So she said that was okay. I told her how I often don't remember things from one session to the next and she said that's okay because she takes notes and she will bring up stuff that we need to talk about, so I don't need to worry! She asked me if I needed to contract but I told her I didn't want to because I was ambivalent. She was like, oh so you want an out? I was like, yeah. I was being honest with her. I don't think she was thrilled by my answer but I have told her I would always be honest with her! So we meet tonight as well.

I have a mammogram appointment today. I am anxious about it for two reasons. Last year when I got my mammogram done, I had to redo it at three months and six months because I guess they saw something on the film that looked suspicious. They also did an ultrasound. Then they told me to come back in six months, which is my appointment today. I'm not really worried that the result will be bad but I am worried about having to redo it again and again like last year. Also, I am worried because the technician will

but there isn't much I can do about it. It just always freaks me out every time I have to go for a medical exam. Usually they don't say anything but I've had some that ask if I need to go to the hospital or if I am okay. I don't really mind being asked if I am okay but I do mind the hospital question. Of course I brought this up at the end of my therapy session last night so we didn't really get to work through it, but yeah, I'm nervous. But at least my PCP SHOULD get the results before my appointment at the end of the month. Then hopefully I won't have to get a second PCP appointment to go over the results.

It's good that she clarified about tonight and that you kept the appointment. Whenever I ask my T for an extra session, I generally will say, "Please still keep me on for x day." He usually knows that's what I want and will confirm (during the extra session) to be sure. (There have been a couple times, though, that I just wanted an earlier session and said to go ahead and cancel the subsequent one.)

And I hope the mammogram goes well today and that you don't have to wait a long time for results.

I thought self harm or suicide contracts have proven to be not be evidence based?

I'd find them coercive. I don't see how you wanting an "out" in such a contract is "bad", unless I'm misunderstanding her response.

Updates in the field of suicidology show ambivalence is common. I hope tonight's session helps.

Thank you LT. I am glad she clarified about tonight too because I would have assumed we were keeping the appointment and then I would have been devastated if she had given it away! Communication is key! She said she won't charge me more than two copays in a week though even if we communicate more this week. So that's kind of nice. But also like, I feel like I should pay for her time so it is a little confusing.

Yeah, I am not sure if suicide or self harm contracts are evidence based or not. There are times when I can find them helpful if they are very short like only 12-24 hours and only at a certain point on a scale of one to ten in intensity of thoughts or urges. Once I am past that certain point, I want my options because I need to feel better one way or the other. And it is a coping mechanism, albeit maladaptive.

I don't know if they are coercive. I had to look up that word. She didn't threaten hospitalization or anything like that. She kind of made a contract with me. She called it a "soul contract" that I would do everything I could to take care of myself and she would do everything she could to take care of herself. I didn't actually agree to that though, she just said it and I didn't reply.

We talked about how in the past when T's have told me I have done enough harm for a certain period of time. And how I have respected that and not done more until the next day or next period of time. She told me I had done enough yesterday, which was zero. That sort of confused me because if I hadn't done anything, how could it be enough?

I do want to get better but right now I am ambivalent. I think I am going to relapse. I don't know for sure but I feel it. I don't know exactly how she felt about me wanting an out, but I wanted the option to do what I needed to do. I want to get better but I also have some crap going on in my head that is making this really difficult.

HUG Kit