Couch 237: Social Rules

Daf i relate to so much of what you say. I spent so much of my life thinking, "this isnt the real me." It's nice to give it time and space and see who i am and what i do.

QM thats why i like karma - all you have to do is put your good stuff out into the world. Thats all that matters. Remember Van Gogh died penniless and unappreciated. So its not about being recognized.

I am seriously thinking of quitting my job and just staying in my mother’s house.

This is a terrible idea in many ways. But going back to Ableist State U—and ableism is not their only problem—feels like a kind of death.

I have two situations that i need couch-advice about:

Situation 1
I want to apply for a job where I currently attend graduate school BUT am worried that since a couple of my professors don't like me, they won't agree to act as a reference when I ask them.

Question: Should I apply for the job anyway (not ask those two professors) and find other professors to ask. I have a reputation of being a chatterbox that annoys the professors (and some of my classmates) so I'm worried that while this job is the PERFECT fit for me, I won't be considered due to my personality.

Situation 2
There is a tenant in my building who is struggling to live alone. She's in her 60s, is on a county program for AA/NA housing financial support and she is actively using b/c she falls against her gas stove and then passes out, and then the whole apt bldg fills up with gas aka carbon monoxide (she's done this 7 times despite property management giving her a warning AND installing childproof knobs on her gas stove). The neighbors (two of them) yelled at me during the last episode, while we all stood outside waiting for the all-clear from the fire dept. One of the neighbors yelled at me, "You're what's wrong with society!" because I (due to exasperation) complained to the caretaker loudly, "I can't believe this is happening AGAIN! This woman can't live by herself! This keeps happening and making those of us home when it happens sick with dizziness and nausea and it's scary!" Because i said that, the neighbor who yelled at me thinks I'm not a compassionate person. Yet I am. I lived with my mother for 3 years taking care of her due to her dementia progressing to the point where my sister and I had to find a nursing home to put our mom in. Then, I moved in with a roommate, not knowing she has bipolar depression and I took care of HER for a year after that. I do not want to take care of any more people. I just want to take care of myself.

Question: That mean neighbor has never apologized. Should I just ignore her even though there is a building BBQ coming up in two weeks (she has not signed up to go either, but I have). Should I knock on her door to address her nasty behavior with me? Or should I just ignore her.

If you can afford it, why not do a what do they call it - second something. ACT! If there is something else you would like to do. University jobs have already taken a turn for the worse, have they not? Nobody gets tenure, non-tenured part timers teaching students, and now they have everybody's classes recorded. Who knows what the future holds? It may be wise to get out while you can. And you are so disciplined - not a layabout like me - and have so much to contribute. Be the change you want to see in the world. Come back to the U carrying a whip.

I wouldnt go to a neighbor to confront them. I would bring a bowl of cherries or cherry tomatoes, and tell them that i may have been a little oversensitive last week because i have caretaker burnout, from taking care of my mother for x years. And leave it. I dont understand demanding apologies. To me its like rubbing a dog's nose in its business.

Is it a viable option to stay there? I mean, in terms of, can you legally stay there, etc., vs. having to sell the house for the estate (just thinking of what my mother dealt with with her mother's house and the assorted sibling drama that dragged on....).


Is it possible to do a sabbatical sort of thing, take a year off? And if not, if you quit, would that hurt you in finding future work? I don't know how the academic world operates in terms of things like that.

I actually have not known many academics who didn't want to quit and walk away from academia for any number of reasons. And they were valid like yours are. Even my person kept threatening to walk away (and she loved the scholarship -but hated teaching even though she was a great teacher (not just love bias here - she got student award after student award and all of her graduate students got jobs -she had a 100% record with her grad students getting teaching jobs soon after graduation) and become a gardener (ugh- I don't like gardening).

Trigger warning SUI

my T keeps trying to tell me this. That he was old, and probably knew the end was coming. He didn't escape to just go frolic in the outside (but he did like trying to go out all the time), but that he knew the end was coming.

It doesn't make me feel better. It sort of makes me feel worse. I do know that cats like to be alone when they know they might not make it...but just the thought of him suffering even a moment alone breaks my heart. Even if that is just projection of my feelings onto him, it doesn't help me.

But thank you.
I ask this question all the time, especially when I am very depressed. I have never really come up with a good answer. For a long time, it was my cat, Jack. He and I have (had?) a special bond, and I knew if I left him, he would never be the same. After he escaped in February, I was sure I wouldn't make it.

I am still here, still grieving, but I do have two other cats to take care of, so that helps. I don't have many people in my life, so I get the crippling loneliness. I think something that has stopped me from Sui is that I do know the people who are in my life would be devastated. My T at the crisis center, who is warm and light-hearted, asked me very seriously (putting this in trigger quotes)



I don't know. I'm rambling and feel like I didn't give a good answer. I hope it helps in some way? Sorry if it didn't.
Inertia/apathy is a huge part of what keeps me going.
Situation 1: YES, apply for that job! Go for it Who cares if two other professors may not care for you as much as you'd hope for.

Situation #2: If it were me, I'd ignore her. Usually people who say things like this won't easily be swayed by that person looking for an apology.

well the fridge repair guy was here this afternoon and said the fan needs to be replaced and some other thingamabob part too. he has to order the parts so we borrowed a mini fridge from our friend for a few things but left the freezer stuff and some of the fridge stuff at their house. so now we just wait for the part to come in he said the most would be a week, probably a couple of days.


the closer it gets to h's heart procedure on friday, the more nervous and worried I am getting. the surgeon's office called today and asked a ton of pre-procedure questions about stuff and gave instructions like he has to shower and wash very well that morning, and wear clean, loose, comfortable clothes etc etc. he doesn't seem worried at all, apparently i am worrying for the both of us which is pretty much the norm I suppose. I keep telling myself just breathe, everything's going to be fine. i'm gonna go try to get some sleep, I got up at like 4am today so I'm tuckered out. Night couchies!

Trigger warning SUI

Thank you all. It's still a hard question for me to answer for myself, but your answers help.

I talked to L about it too today. We've talked about death before, but not in this way. I got 2 important messages from her. 1. Even though I can't really help my nieces at this stage, I do provide them with a role model who has good boundaries and loves them for who they are. 2. I do affect L. I do contribute to her life and I do bring her joy. That means a lot to me. She didn't try to guilt me into anything. I'm the one who asked those questions.

Trigger warning SUI

That’s great Scarlet. Your T has very valid points. My T, when she was very worried about me, showed up at my house one morning. After we talked for a few minutes, I said I was so sorry to ruin her day off. She told me that I didn’t ruin it, but if I had died, it would ruin her entire year and she would forever be affected. That meant a lot.

Ugh. that is so difficult Artie. I’m sorry you had to deal with that.

I have tenure, but everything else you say is accurate.

I can just buy the house from the estate. My sister is fine with the idea, in fact she first suggested it.

I loathe gardening. My sister has to text me whenever I need to water something.

It sounds like your person worked really hard to compensate for her hatred of teaching.

Had a great time today, hopefully tomorrow will be just as good.

I do sometimes appreciate the concept of karma, but way too many people in my society (with a really strong Buddhist tradition and a lot who practice it) literally think a child that's abused had bad karma in a previous life.

But yeah, to me its not about recognition. I see it like...a "ripple effect". Having experienced pain, we want to ease someone's pain, or at least witness their pain with compassion if it can't be eased.

Trigger warning SUI

Regarding suicide



Huge hugs... sorry, I relate a lot to loneliness and finding reasons to live and I mourn the cat who loved me even though he's still alive and hope he'll not miss me much.

Trigger warning SUI

Trigger warning: SUI

Polite request: could we identify what’s going in a trigger box, please? Like TW FOR SUI or some such.

Basically, I’m in that state of mind quite a bit myself these days and it’s jarring to open a trigger box thinking it will be something insensitive someone said, when really it’s something that’s much too much on my mind these days.

Thanks.

Edited mine. (I had thought we were supposed to avoid using words like that outside a trigger box because it could trigger someone just seeing the word, but I'll be more careful about that now.)


I'm very sorry you're feeling in that state.

I can't edit my post to add TW, I'll take note. Sorry, Atat.

ETA: thanks Candac for editing my post.

You know how we have a big couch to fit everyone on this forums? How cool would it be to have a picnic that could fit all of us too?

Bignik is the Picnic Dreams are Made Of - Cultivating Culture

I saw that on tv!

Nice!!!!

I love that, Scarlet. Thanks for sharing!
Can somebody pass the lemonade?