Couch 238: Appreciating Small Progress Couch

Oh wow, @@ that is a really awesome thing that you found--that telegram! That's amazing.

Well T did not text me last night. I texted her yesterday at 10:40 AM. I thought by now, certainly, she would have looked at her phone. IDK. I'm a little disappointed. But trying to not let it have a huge bearing on my day. Tomorrow I see Pdoc and if I get desperate I can make a GP appointment or something.

Happy National French Fry Day everyone! I love that such a thing exists!

Hugs, Kit. I'm sorry she didn't text you--and rather surprised that she didn't. Maybe it actually is some sort of emergency? Is there a chance she has family in Las Vegas and it wasn't just a fun trip?

I hope your pdoc is helpful tomorrow.

Had my second (of two) sessions with Dr. T's backup, R, today. Both were very insightful, to the point that I wish I could have a few more with her (she would not be an option to switch to as a regular T for assorted reasons, in part that she mostly works with small business owners and executives now). She does therapy so differently from him--the "where do you feel that?" and "how old were you when you first felt that?" sort of thing. Which is sort of weird to me at first but helpful in a way. It feels like we connected some dots today (and a bit Monday)

May write more about it in IST or the Dr. T thread (as some of it related to him, but more how that ties into other stuff with me).

So glad you had a good session with R, LT and that it connected some dots for you! I usually don't know how to answer questions like, "where do you feel that?" etc. Two T's ago used to ask me that a lot and I just made up someplace in my body because I was very confused by the question!

I'm glad you found the experience insightful! HUG Kit

Yeah. I don't know. I know her son lives by her, and her daughter lives in the same city as me. I don't know about her brother. I know he was visiting once when we had a session and she closed the door. (We have Zoom sessions and even though she has an actual office, she's always had our appointments from her home. Usually her couch. Occasionally her bed or the kitchen table.)

I am debating whether to text her, just like, to check in with her. But I am sort of nervous to actually do that, because if she does not respond to that then I will probably feel worse.

Pdoc messaged me last night through the portal. Even though in my fax to him last week I told him I made an appointment for the 14th, he must not have read it that closely. (Okay, so it was three pages--handwritten though, not typed.) Because he JUST realized that I had an appointment on Thursday.

I'm pretty surprised she didn't text me as well. But I guess, I mean, I didn't explicitly ask her to. She just always has before in the past. So maybe it is something random and an emergency. I don't know. I think she would have said because she tells me lots about herself. But maybe she wasn't thinking clearly.

Kind of lost as to what to do, really.

HUGS Kit

I caved. I just sent my T a text checking in on her to see if she was okay and if everything is alright.

Now begins the waiting game.

I must be in a depressed frame of mind. My last thought was literally: life sucks, and then you die.

I hate the waiting game. I sent my T an email on Saturday and still haven’t heard back. I am now of the expectation I won’t get one. Ugh. It would be semi-ok if I was at least seeing her Friday, but she is off. So I have to wait until next Friday. Normally that would be mildly disappointing, but I could handle it. Because the subject of my email was that I am afraid of “the talk,” where she asserts her boundaries or tells me I have crossed them. So in my head, since she hasn’t responded, I HAVE become too much for her.

Oh velcro003, I'm sorry. I think like you, if your T was going to respond, she probably would have by now. I'm sorry. I hope she will be wonderful when you have your next session. Ugh, not til next week, eh? That's hard. It's hard to sit with something that long. It's hard to keep that "containment." There's a therapy term! I never really know what the T is talking about when they use it but....anyway they do. I hope that she wouldn't think, feel, or say that you are too much for her. The T relationship is so scary sometimes and so fraught with all sorts of difficulties. "They" say you can say anything, but then sometimes they don't like what gets said. It's weird, and random. Hanging in there with you. Post here as much as you want. HUGS kit

I have that coffee mug!

I texted with a crisis chat line for about 30 minutes because of

But it wasn't really helping and it wasn't particularly helpful. It is hit or miss with crisis lines, but usually worth trying. She did comment on my resilience and openness and that made me feel a little better about myself. A bit.

I'm having one of those weeks where everything goes wrong. Today I lost my vape. And then I got charged $364 for my cpap I got over 1.5 years ago.

I've decided to switch my PCP to H's doctor. I already switched the insurance and filled out the paperwork. I just wish he was a woman. But I'm going to ask to be referred to a gynecologist. No way will I let him do an exam, and I need one anyways because of my PCOS.

Can this year be over with already.

Hugs Scarlet, I'm sorry things are so hard right now. We couchies are here for you. HUGS Kit

Ugh, I'm sorry. I'd probably follow up with something brief (like, "I'm feeling anxious about the email I sent--can you just confirm that everything is OK?"), but I understand how if you do that and she doesn't respond to that, you could feel worse. I hope it's just that she hasn't had time to respond or something like that.

Hugs, Scarlet, I'm sorry. A gynecologist would also be better for dealing with PCOS, as I imagine PCPs aren't that knowledgeable about it.

Hugs, Kit. It's good that you reached out, and I'm sorry it wasn't that helpful. I hope you feel better.

Has anyone watched the documentary series The Deep End on Hulu about this woman named Teal Swan? I'm curious to hear other opinions on it.

Thank you LT. I think a lot of it is stemming from my T cancelling, and asking if she could schedule me next week. Then I responded that I couldn't do next week (I'm volunteering--it's like a once a year thing at my Church, a week long volunteering thing) and that I guess we could push it out til the 26th but not getting a response to that makes me nervous because I don't technically have an appointment. And I don't know if she is okay or if something is wrong. My T is RANDOM so it's 50/50. She is either drunk off her butt in some bar somewhere in Vegas, OR there is an actual emergency. Either one does not make me feel good about her missing our appointment. It's not like her to not respond same day so it's concerning. So I guess sitting with the uncertainty is too triggering for me and I am looking for escape. I'm talking through it with a friend right now though, via text and hopefully things will be clearer for me. HUGS Kit

i think i'm heading towards shut down mode

HUGS willowtigger

Talking with my friend helped a lot. He sent some WhatsApp's too and hearing his voice is always calming and grounding for me. I mostly texted but I did send a WhatsApp as well.

Still perplexed about my T though. But I really should not be surprised by anything she does or doesn't do. Still, not having that continuity or that "being there" feeling is tough. It will probably be better when I go home. My niece and nephew are visiting. At work I have too much time to sit and worry and stew and be anxious.

Yeah, there is NO way I’m checking back in. I will just continue to have my anxiety heighten, and whine about it on here.
I’m glad you are feeling a little better. I am having the same issue as you (that you put in trigger quotes)