Couch 238: Appreciating Small Progress Couch

It looks like my plans with my friend have been pushed to next week.

My session with my trauma T is on Friday, and the last e-mail I sent her (that she didn't respond to) told her I was really afraid that she was going to have "the talk" with me about boundaries. And that I am intruding too much in her life. Because she didn't respond, I think she agrees. How will I handle her telling me this? I almost don't want to have a session anymore because I am so nervous.

Well, my dreams of being a mother have been crushed again. This time there's nothing I can do about it. H's testosterone levels are too low to get me pregnant. So the whole time I was on Clomid, I had no chance. And thinking if I lost weight with the bariatric surgery would help my chances, it won't. I'm devastated. Life is sure beating me up right now.

I'm so sorry Scarlet.

I'm sorry you spent so long thinking that you were responsible.

Sending lots of hugs,

Lost

I'm so sorry, Scarlet. Hugs, if wanted. Is there a possibility of his taking testosterone to help? I'm sorry you felt it was your fault before and took Clomid unnecessarily. I hope L can help you process all this.

Hugs if wanted, Velcro. I completely understand your anxiety about this, and I'd be freaking out, too (that doesn't mean this is what she was thinking or is going to say--just that I'd also be anxious).

If it were me, I'd have sent her an email earlier this week (or today) saying how I'm really anxious about the email I sent. If she's already bothered by the emails, one more wouldn't really affect that, I wouldn't think. If it's a case where she just didn't have a chance to respond before and isn't bothered by your emails, then maybe she could either let you know that by email before session or say something right at the start of session.

But I also understand your not wanting to do that. I'd bring it up right at the start of session so that you're not anxious the whole time. If you don't think you can say it, maybe write or type on a piece of paper you can hand to her at the start of session? I really hope it turns out to be nothing.

Sending you hugs, if wanted. I'm so sorry the medical people didn't test H much sooner. And that you have blamed yourself needlessly as a result.

T accidentally triggered me at our session a few days ago. I wrote her an email, and she couldn't recall what she said... I couldn't remember exactly what she said either but I remember the triggering word. She apologised, saying that lets take it that she said it.

I see her next week then not for 2 weeks as she'll be off work. I've never ever had weekly sessions on a regular basis (for years) until the past several months (after I experienced my worst psych crisis in my entire life), and I feel bothered by how much better it seems to work for me. And of course, feel a pit of dread about losing that, while also thinking I should go back to my previous twice a month.

Thanks LT. There is no way I can write her another email. I already feel way too needy, so this would exacerbate it. A little more than 24 hours. eek.

HUGS velcro. I hope the appointment will go well and that your anxieties can be smoothed at the appointment with your T. Hang in there. I would be nervous too, but I usually find that what I fear the most doesn't really happen that often. Hopefully that is true in this case as well. HUGS kit

I've been getting migraines like every single day. Annoying. I have prescription medication but I know from experience that if I take it too many days in a row, I get rebound migraines, and I think that is what is happening. But, it is intolerable when I have a migraine to not take the medicine. There is no winning in this scenario.

HUGS Scarlet. That must be so difficult.

I hope you can see your doctor. My mother has/had chronic migraines and there are preventive medicines.

Evening, Couch.

So, it turns out that the reason R cancelled last Friday wasn't half as severe as I'd feared.

She had a splinter that she had to have surgically removed, but omitted that detail from the email for my benefit. With the thought processes I've been going through, I'm not sure how much it helped.

It was good to be able to have a session today, though.

Thanks, I have tried a few preventative medications, but the ones I tried were older and they either had really bad side effects for me or interacted with my other medications.

There are some newer things out on the market. Might be worth pursuing again.

So glad that your session with R went well, and I'm glad that the situation wasn't as dire as you feared. I hope you are at rest now. HUGS Kit

Sometimes I struggle with wondering if I am too much for my T or if I am refusing her care or something. I'm trying to understand my own behavior in the relationship but it is difficult to know.

BTW I just texted my T a bit ago. Now is the long wait. The other day she asked how I was and I responded w/in 30 minutes or so. This was maybe mid-day. I got a response back from her at 2:45 AM (but I didn't actually get it until I checked my phone maybe around 530 AM or something). She said she was thinking, hoping, praying for the right response and the magic wand to make things better. That's why she didn't respond right away. I can't fault her for not responding right away. I mean, she has no obligation to respond at all. But we have a deal where I tell her if I do a certain thing and so now I wait. And like overanalyze everything.

In the middle of this heat wave, today has been fairly low humidity, with an absolutely lovely west wind blowing and gusting directly thru my balcony door. The heat index in the shade has been lower than the actual temperature. What a welcome respite.

It kinda freaks me out that my nightmare twilight zone episode is coming true. Its like the bible according to Rod Serling?!

There's two things that he could do: take testosterone or lose weight. I don't think he wants to do either. I don't think he wants to be a dad. He seemed okay if it happened naturally or if I was the one who had to make changes, take meds, etc. But him changing something...probably not going to happen.

T replied:

Love you, Kit. This is not a sign that you failed or that you are somehow not strong enough. This is entirely something else and when you can understand that...when I can find a way to make you know that...this will significantly decrease and eventually disappear altogether.

.....I responded with a heart.

Taking tomorrow off of work. I totally overloaded my schedule with this volunteering at Church this week. Plus I might take my niece and nephew to a wildlife sanctuary tomorrow.

Got this little gem from the crisis line. It's a breathing tool:

Breathe In Help GIF - Find & Share on GIPHY

I think it is pretty helpful personally.

Thanks Kit. I got an email this afternoon from my T, saying she just realized today that her response was stuck in the drafts folder and never sent. OMG. I truly hate myself for SO MUCH undue anxiety.

Thanks Kit,

I'm proud of you for taking some time for yourself.


HUGS