Couch 238: Appreciating Small Progress Couch

I have a migraine, again.

I am dreading going home from work today because my niece and nephew will be there. I love them, but they are just constantly there and I need to have some by myself time. They are staying with us for another week. I about wore myself out this weekend with the kiddos. It's not even like they are a lot of work. They do watch a lot of annoying TV though. But with the voices, and work, and volunteering, and psychosis and SH urges I'm just like......I need escape.

I did text my T though. Who knows. She might be helpful in this scenario.

Kit, my T is bad about putting in claims too. It has been since March I think. I never remember to say anything when we have a session, and money is a no-go talk situation with me anyway. Either way, it sucks.

Also, over two weeks with your sister and niece and nephew! NOoooo. I love kids, but that would be way too much.

I hate my insurance. Twice I asked for a lists of psychiatrists and they sent me a list of therapists...

But I might have found a pdoc to work with. She's the medical director of a group. So...I guess there's a little hope.

SK, I really hope your T sorts out the insurance claim stuff.

I can't imagine staying with family for a week, even if they're my nephews (I've no nieces that I know of). I really like quiet.

I hope if you can work with this new pdoc that she will be helpful and give you what you need. HUGS Kit

Yeah. I don't have any children of my own (and there is probably a good reason for that), and they live 5 hours away, so we usually just see them a couple of days at a time. This is a really long time and I'm like, I love you but......inside my head I'm thinking, this is so annoying right now.

Thank you Quietmind. HUGS kit

I feel like crap today. Sort of Sui and



However, T has not texted me back.

Hopefully I will get my new dose of medication today but my pdoc said it would take a while to kick in. I definitely feel depressed. I woke up at 3 AM and couldn't get back to sleep.

Hugs, Kit. I hope your T gets back to you and that the new medication dose helps.

Thank you, LT. Hugs Kit

Tomorrow is the 5-year anniversary of the fire. I'm acutely feeling the aftereffects of that right now. It's been 5 years since I've seen my ex (unless you count the two times I saw him in court, in shackles and prison attire) and I'm feeling the impact of the loneliness. I feel like I need an apology or some sort of explanation for what happened. I want to know how he feels about me now and if he's had any sort of growth since then. Does he still think the way he was treating me was okay? Does he think it was no big deal to casually threaten to kill me? He did all this crap and I still want to see him. I'm so messed up. I doubt anyone in my life, other than P, even knows that it's the anniversary. I'm feeling kind of sui, but not in an emotional way.

Hugs, NP. Do you see P tomorrow? (or today). It seems like talking about your desire to hear that from your ex (and to see him) could be helpful. I think it's completely natural to have such mixed emotions about it, including feeling lonely and wanting to see him. But also wanting an apology, to know he's changed, etc.

And is there maybe something else you can do for yourself tomorrow, like a sort of self-care thing? (I know, that sounds cheesy.) Is there anyone in your life that you'd trust to talk to about this, even just to let them know it's going to be a difficult day for you without going into why?

Keep posting here if it's helpful.

We met yesterday and we meet tomorrow. We talked yesterday about all of this. He made sure to say he doesn't judge me for any of my feelings. I'm taking a vacation day tomorrow. I guess that counts as self-care.

HUGS NP_Complete. Yes, taking a vacation day tomorrow definitely counts as self care!!!

My T replied:

"Well, considering you are kind of a role model for kids this week, maybe you can bargain with yourself to delay
til next week. I don't know though if it ever works that way. Know you are loved and valued...by God...by your family and friends...be me...even when you are dealing with this compulsion to
Can you watch yourself from a bit of emotional distance and have some pride and compassion for the young woman you are?"

Yeah....I don't know. I think I am feeling too self destructive to watch myself with emotional distance. I'm way over my head in crap to do this week and way under resourced in self care this week. I definitely feel out of my league and like I need some escape.

I did schedule a massage but the earliest date I could get is August 22nd. Ugh. Not helpful for the here and now. I hope this new dose of medicine kicks in and helps soon because this struggle is real.

I hate my insurance... And I hate the psychiatric place I was trying to get into.

Good news is it looks like I found a private pdoc. I won't be able to see her until August 22nd, but I have plenty of refills so I'll be fine until then.

HUGS Scarlet

I was texting a crisis hotline and then sort of unexpectedly (to me) the crisis counselor was like, okay, thanks for talking with me today. And ended the session. I wasn't really done yet but okay. Guess I am now. I know they are usually volunteers so it sort of varies on the helpfulness of the person. She did have some resources to share with me but most of them I already had. So it wasn't overly helpful. But sometimes it is just nice to connect with someone anonymously.

I'm sorry they were so unprofessional, Kit.
It should be up to you when to terminate the call.
I used a service last July - I was told it would be free, and then my mobile phone provider charged me for the text service...so I haven't used them since.

Thank you, Lost.

Wow, that really sucks about being charged for the service. I did this through WhatsApp so I shouldn't get charged and I have used this particular number before so it should be okay.

yeah, I've never have had the person decide it was time to end the session. They always have left it up to me before. So I was really taken aback.

When I talked to my Dad on my lunch break, he said he had picked up my medication from the pharmacy so I should be able to start this new dose tonight. So that's good. Hopefully it will kick in soon. My dad can just say, "Put it on the card on file" and it charges my card, but it is nice when he is able to pick up my prescriptions because the pharmacy is a bit of a ways away and I am usually pretty tired after work. It wasn't ready this weekend though.

Just had an interesting conversation with a customer on the phone at work. He actually wanted our sister company in NY--this happens a lot, we get calls for them, they get calls for us. We can sell him the equipment but we will mark it up so it is better for him to talk to them directly. He was really nice. He is the president of his company. I told him I am just a peon. I got all his contact info and then Teams messaged the operations manager and the only sales rep I know in our sister company. I don't know if it is his area, but he should be able to get the right person anyway. I also gave the customer our sister company's number directly so he can call in the morning because the office is closed now. But hopefully someone will reach out to him first. The sales rep that I messaged on Teams said he would talk to the Operations Manager and get back to the customer tomorrow so that's good. I probably talked to the customer for 10 minutes. What a fun guy!

My T texted me again to see how I was doing. I told her not great but I will try to hang in there.

I used the word "EEK" in a Microsoft Teams message to a coworker of mine in NY. She asked me what "EEK" was....so I said it is an expression of dismay. I count back over the many times I have used that word with her and I feel kind of silly that she didn't know what I was talking about. I'm glad she asked.