Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLV

another long day of phones, my attitude stinks and i know it and i don't give a ****. the only reason i don't call in sick is because if i do, i won't get paid time and a half for any of the overtime hours i work this entire week. i really should turn my life completely upside down and leave everything i know behind and just reinvent myself 100%. crazy thing is, you'd probably be willing to walk me through doing just that if i were to ask.

Dear T: Please be good enough tomorrow. Thanks. Kit

I don't know why I have such a **** job. Why I have earned so little money in my life. Do you think it has something to do with not having parents to give me confidence? No direction? No connections? I don't even understand job listings, wtf are they on about. I'm just really upset that I make less than people on benefits, and they get loads of perks on top.

Dear T,
Thanks for the reassurance today and also the connection. I'm glad you were understanding about my struggling with your absence and reaching out. The cement seems a bit drier now.
Love,
LT

i know we talked about this in the past but i am struggling with resentment again... right now it's mainly because h has the kind of job where he can just take off work whenever he doesn't feel like working for any reason at all (sick, beautiful day, football on tv, whatever), because he's a contractor not an employee. i have to check myself - and remind myself that I am not the type of person that could handle contracted-type work; I need to know that my hours are set and my paycheck is set etc and what comes along with that security, is the tradeoff that I have to work full time and do mandatory overtime when I'm told to (like this month and however much longer this year). I mean it's not like he isn't bringing ANY money in when he's not working, he gets his SSA every month so that's something anyway. I just resent him a lot when I'm working 9-10 hour days with one day off a week while he's watching TV or sleeping. I don't envy the pain from dental work, that's for damn sure.

Um L, methinks that my dream this morning taking place on a train and remembering how you told me that once upon a time in your pre-T days you were a train engineer is somehow not a coincidence. I'm not sure yet what that bit means, but... yeah.

I miss you.

I just had a sudden, out-of-the-blue, epiphany of sorts - about your continued insistence about how I don't really know you. What hit me is that maybe, maybe, you were trying to show me that just as I was 'using' you as a 'good mother' and I didn't really know you, perhaps in a similar kind of way I never really knew my actual mother (beyond her judgmental and anti-emotional outer shell) ????!?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!? and realizing that I don't really know her... maybe... she's not all bad?????????????????????

Jeez. Therapy never really ends, even after it ends; you are still with me in my head/heart and 'together' in that way we are still doing 'the work'.

Crimeny. I don't know how I feel about that.

Dear T. I don't know why you texted me and asked me to call you after the OBGYN appointment. Especially because when I did you said you were on the other line waiting for your doctor. And then you never called me back. Why even say to call you? Sometimes you are random. It's not the end of the world. Anything I have to say can wait until our appointment tonight but I am baffled by you sometimes. Please be good enough tonight. I hope I have the guts to talk to you about something that is bothering me (not about you)....intrusive thoughts. I don't want you to overreact or think I am a psycho or something. HUGS kit

Tonight will probably be the night I break down and email you to ask (beg?) for a one-time session. If I don't, and manage to handle these feelings on my own, it will be a miracle. I feel so broken, L.

I wrote the email but I haven't sent it. Yet.

Dear T,
I know you likely won't reply tonight, but I wish you'd just say you're still there. I just feel like I shared so much today... I feel exposed.

Love,
LT

I emailed you twice and you didn't respond. Idk. I guess you are busy. I don't feel good to care enough.

It was kind of a weird comment when you were talking about a Chinese takeout place and said "its very clean." I don't ever think about how clean Chinese resturants are. You also had a quick grossed out look when I talked about going to the Asian market.

I guess everyone has some sort of sterotype or whatever. At least thats what a former boss told me.

We also work in another persons office now instead of her own. In her own office she has some sign up with the word on it and I was kinda stareing at it the whole time because I find that word offensive. So maybe she figured that out. I've seen other clients coming out of her office.

I still can't really believe I actually asked.... anyway thank you for agreeing to see me for one session. Honestly, I think that just sitting in your office alone for an hour might even be enough. I just need a temporary calm port in the current storm of my life. But my heart is sure it will be nice to talk with you a little bit again. My head hopes it wasn't a mistake.

Dear T,

Something really made me feel today. I'm not sure what I felt, but it was hearing this on an IG reel...

There are only two people in this world that you need to make proud. It's not your Mum, or your Dad, not your kids or your spouse. It's the 8 year old version of you, and the 80 year old version of you.

For some reason that really made me stop and think. Taking the current me out of the equation for just a split second allowed me to see a glimpse of... Something.... I'm not entirely sure what.

Not sure how to feel about your announcement today that you're going on holiday at the end of February.

Turns out that the day you are going away is also the day of the event at the Cathedral.

So we won't get to discuss that until early March.

I know it's to do with the teachers' strikes, but...

The timing is unfortunate.

Dear T,
Thanks for that. You said exactly what I needed to hear.

Love,
LT

Waterbear, wow. Those really are words to live by.

I could do without the thought process I am currently having.
That workshop opened up a world of pain, in a few simple words.

Una, I think I actually got the words wrong. I saw the word impress when I searched for the quote, bit the word that I heard, and that made me feel, was proud. Only two people you need to make proud.

Dear T: thank you for reminding me that there are people who love me and care about me. Kind of settled down the anxiety within. Thanks for your texts. HUG kit

Thats even better but impress and proud both work for me. Impress gives me the feeling of a stranger looking upon the activity, whereas proud implies ownership, plus that was really missing in my relationship with my parents. My good actions were THEIR pride to flaunt to their peers, so kind of a bad taste in my mouth. But the point is really the 8 and 80 year old, isnt it.

Dear T, Thank you very much for having a phone session with me while you are away. I find these sessions are really helping me more then when you where at the clinic. I feel better tonight that I shared my anxieties with you about my husbands health. Thank you

Dear T,

I really hope I got the timing right for tomorrow, and that you can do the full hour and a half. I really think we are going to need it. Even if I can make a start right from the off, we have a LOT to cover, even more so I now want to bring the figures in too. I was surprised at my gut reaction to them. My head tried to change it, but I saw what I saw when I didn't try to twist it.

I can't say I'm looking forward to coming though. I really think it will be hard.

I'm not really sure what to expect tomorrow morning when I get there. I know what I want: a little time in that space of peace and mutual trust in which to regroup/recharge and remember who I am. That's probably asking a lot of 60 minutes... but as I sit here tonight pondering on it and reminiscing back to before things went sideways... I believe that if anyone can make it happen, you and I together can.