Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLV

Do you remember the times we talked about my anger and how much it scares me? I really wish you'd felt able to help me with that. It's happening again here lately and I just don't know what to DO with it. But it scares the bejeezuz outta me.

Artie, I had/have exactly the same problems with anger and exactly the same problems with a T who seemed unable to help. (I'm yet to see if this new one is any better). If it's of any help, I once went deep into the woods and found an enormous branch lying on the ground. I picked it up and hit it repeatedly against the largest tree I could find. It felt like the only thing big enough and strong enough to withstand the enormity of my feelings. It helped. A lot. Just don't hurt yourself in the process.

Sadly, your words have been of little consolation. I guess the fact that they have been of little consolation is also a good thing, but there is also a great deal more that needs explaining. I am sure that I saw more from you in that moment than maybe you saw from yourself.

I think getting out in the woods is a fabulous idea Waterbear. Thank you. Maybe Friday afternoon I can do just that. I will ask the trees which one is willing to help me.

You know something I'm really scared of L, that's pretty much always in the back of my mind, that one day I'm going to go to pull up your psych today profile but it won't be there anymore because you will have died, and I will not have had the chance to see you again. That thought haunts me, did you know that? Especially since you're going to be 73 this year. I kinda wish I didn't know your age. Why'm I so stupid like that, you were just my T, I was just one of many clients... yet, you meant and continue to mean so much more to me than "just" that professional relationship. Grrr.

I very much wants to talk with you my most dearest ex T. I know better than to let myself email youi tonight, though, oh yes I do that shant ever happen again a tipsy email, nonono. Heh. Id' prolly pour my silly lil heart out and you'd be all what the freaking hell is this?! If you even remember me by now that is. Ha. I'd like to believe that I am unforgetable but I won't flatter msyelf that much you were prolly glad to push me out your memory huh.

dammit why i still luv u

Teeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!! Me wants you. But you prolly wouldn't understand that. Meh. My inner teenager (do you remember her?) is stomping her feet in a petulant fit tonight. I know what I need to do!! YES! THIS! I need to give her a red pen and my notebook again and let her write out her angst!! That worked so very well the first time I did it.

Thank you for reminding me of the importance of patience.

Dear T,
This seems like it would be a weird thing to actually say to you, but I hope your vacation feels as long for you as it does for me. As in, I hope you're relaxing and getting a break (well, aside from my emails, but I'm sure those took up a tiny portion of your time). I hope you return refreshed. Four days (to the hour) to go... I think I'll do better with it once tomorrow afternoon is over, as it's not like I'd have normally been meeting with you over the weekend. And I plan to do something tomorrow afternoon to keep me occupied.

Though I guess this weekend I'll be concerned about your getting home safely and not having a flight delayed or something, with all the airline problems lately, plus potentially weather depending on where you are... I'll likely send you some sort of brief check-in email on Sunday, though I imagine you'll be expecting that and won't be bothered by it.

Love,
LT

Sending an email and not knowing whether you will receive it is unnerving.
It is an important element of my emotional wellbeing plan to be able to contact you.
Not sure how to approach this without feeling like I'm overstepping.

I did badly today. With everything.

I'm still trying to work out if you are a 'good guy' or a 'bad guy' tonight. I'm still very unsure, and I imagine this will take some working through. I tried to write my diary tonight. I did write my diary tonight, even though I honestly don't remember a lot of the session. I couldn't put a finger on how I was feeling, so out came the feelings wheel. The one that I landed on, was drawn to, took me by surprise. I never would have guessed that one. But it has led me down an interesting path, and I'm starting to make some more sense of what happened on Tuesday. It's SO hard trying to navigate feelings. Especially these more complicated ones. In the binder with the feelings wheel is a DBT workbook I printed off years ago. I decided to use one of the sheets to try and explore this a little more, and it's opened up a really interesting pathway. It's been like dredging up a car that's stuck fast in the mud, but I do think I've made some headway, and I'm proud of myself. I want to say "I hope you are proud of me too" but right now I'm not sure I want you on my side anymore, if I'm being honest. Given my experience of you, I hope we can work this through, but I'm not holding my breath.

I hope you've got your head screwed on next week. I think you'll be in for a difficult session.

Dear T,

Work and school are unbearable right now. I keep switching between intense dread and the numbness of dissociation. Being around people makes me so uncomfortable, I can't even explain the mix of horrible feelings I get around them. I just want to fly to another planet and get away. I'm dreading our next session because you're just another person I don't want to deal with right now. I really do hope that changes when we see each other again. It's exhausting feeling like this.

Sincerely,
LoneWolf001

Hi R,

I'm trying to keep my head above water today, so that I can be fully present for the concert I'm going to tonight.

I'm trying to believe that there's nothing 'too big' for us to talk about.

I'm trying to believe that you can hold some of the anger that I feel towards Steve, even though it doesn't feel fair to pass it to you...

Let's have the session that I'd planned for this week next week, when my burn will hopefully have begun to heal.

You are thoroughly nice and I don't really like you. I don't dislike you, but I don't feel much other than varying levels of irritation or indifference. Once or twice I have something a bit warmer towards you, but I think that is mostly transferred from ex-therapist. I miss feeling things about the person who sits in your chair. This all feels a bit listless.

If loving you is wrong, I don't want to be right.

Nevermind. Its broken. And I knew there was a chance that would happen. But I had to choose between my mental health or not having these feelings anymore. And I had to save my mental health. It was a sucess thankfully. But sometimes I wish I still felt things toward people.

I haven't been doing the things we talked about doing. I've been taking progress pictures. Drinking plain hot coffee instead of using creamer. I lowered my calorie goal. I am just freaked out about food and I am not feeling the greatest either. I did try grounding yesterday which helped.

Dear T,
I hope you get home safely today or tomorrow, whenever you're getting home. Though for all I know, you've been at home this whole time! I'll probably check in sometime tomorrow. Though maybe you'll do billing then, so at least I'll know you still exist?
Love,
LT

Hi R,

The concert was an incredible experience.
It took me out of myself for a while, and I didn't realise quite how much I needed that.

Hearing him play that one song was so amazing.

Hearing him say to his departed friend in all sincerity 'I'm not pissed off at you man'...

Lots of feelings came to the surface then, and I squished them, like a good gig-going human.

I haven't yet given a red pen to my inner teenager again... I feel her wanting to express herself lately though so I need to do that again. It's not easy though to just let her write what she wants to say, without ego trying to stick in interpretations and excuses and stuff. I don't even know where a red pen is around my house - maybe I don't even have one anymore... I found a green one, may have to let her use that!

I Stand Alone

"Deep in the darkness my heart still sees
Everything that I'll never be, yeah"

Running Alone

"I believe that every soul
Has a song to sing
The spirits locked in every man
Waiting for a wing
Oh so much wasted
And so little used
The trick of the dreamer
Is keeping yourself from the blues"

I'm lonely, L.

I haven't thought about my transference T much since the start of the month. Those dreams have all stopped and the achy feelings stopped. I think this is the longest I've gone without being a mess about her. I'm not sure what changed. I can tell something is off but I'm not sure what.

Dear T,
Please reply tomorrow morning--I don't want to head to session wondering whether you still exist. Maybe I should have emailed this morning instead of waiting until a few hours ago.
Love,
LT

E: That was the best hug I may have ever received. I don't know what I did to deserve you.