Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLV

yo feel free to ignore that email. i just thought you might be interested, so no need to respond.

Also, I'm getting closer to a decision on whether or not I want to ask you for a one time, one-year post-ending follow-up. Maybe I also sent that email yesterday just to break the ice again or something heh because I'm pretty sure I'm going to ask. I wonder what you'll say if I do. There's just a couple of things that I feel like I want to say to you in person now that I no longer care what you think of me and stuff.

I have so much I want to say. More than I can. I didn't mean to insult your taste last time, btw. I mean I own a teddy bear for crying out loud, and I talk to him, too. I was just saying that it makes sense you'd buy the shoes, as you also bought the blanket, it really wasn't a snide remark. I should have apologized and explained right then, I noticed you flinch. Not sure why I didn't connect the dots right away.

You know I think it's funny that you still haven't officially committed to working with me, but you do put a lot of effort and work into this relationship, maybe even as much as I do. So for all intents and purposes you have committed, but you don't want to say it. I understand your resistance, and it's fine. I'm not pushing, not even asking, this is something you have to come to terms with (or not) in your own time. It's not my place to point this out or interfere in any way with your process. It's just something I notice, an inconsistency you struggle with.
It's been over one year now, and I could not hope for a better therapist. I know I would never find anyone specialized in working with me outside of forensics, so your willingness to learn inspite of all your doubts is something I am forever grateful for. It's been over a year now. A part of me would like to give you present for christmas, something small, something to make you smile, but I'm not sure either one of us is quite there yet, let alone both of us. I might write a card, or a letter... a card, I guess. I would need to think how to write it. It seems a card would not be enough to encompass all I want to say, but perhaps a card is the perfect amount. I'm sure you have better things to do over christmas than read the ramblings of a patient.

Thank you, anyway, for agreeing to help me.

I don't really want to see you tommorow. Nothing has happened since Thursday afternoon. I've just been zoned out in front of the TV trying to get used to a med increase. But I've handled things fine on my own. I just feel like it will be a useless session.

Dear T, I am scared of the break that we will inevitably be having over the Christmas break. I really hope that you are able to recognise how hard this is for me, especially after we have had a big rupture that is still unresolved.
I am worried that you just won’t know or be willing to see how much these breaks impact me

This is too relatable. I really hate this feeling. But it’s something to hold onto..

Now I kind of want to see you. Just because of recent stuff on the news.

I did strength training for half an hour today and food wise things have been kinda weird. So I don't know what to expect from you since I just met you last week and you didn't really seem overly concerned about the food stuff. To be honest I couldn't get a sense of what you thought at all about things. Even when I hinted for feedback you didn't give an answer.

I was doing relatively okay recently with the binging and purging, but today has been BAD. I wonder if it's mindless rebellion because I'm not seeing you today?

But I think I'm doing really well. I am following my CD strictly (although no one has checked in on me to make sure I'm taking my meds and drug testing me??). No sh since last week's spectacular event.

Dear ex t.

You are a jerk and a phony. I wish I'd never been so stupid to believe you really liked me

So, last night I did a piece of writing about the wisdom (or lack thereof) in asking for a one-year follow-up session as I'd been pretty close to deciding to go ahead and ask... and by the end of the piece, I began seeing pretty clearly the folly of the idea, so I'm not going to ask after all. (I'd like to think this is the true wisdom, not just me being wishy-washy.)

With the decision made at last, I feel... freedom in a way I didn't until now. I guess it took sending that email on Saturday and realizing that I didn't want a response (probably for the first time ever) - for me to know that I truly don't want to re-engage in the therapy in any way, shape, or form, even briefly. It's over, I'm done, you're ex-T and shall stay that way; part of my past. A good part, a helpful part, but a part that's now being relegated to history in my mind and heart. As with everything therapy-related, it was kind of a convoluted process that got me here!

And I'm not sorry. I'm grateful to have figured it out.

Man was that a good session. I actually found someone whos favorite singer is the same as me. And its not a well known singer either. It was great talking about the songs we like. The puzzle we were doing the whole time made the session much easier for some reason. You had some pretty good comments and inisghts, but not judgmental ones about what work will be like when I return. We had a very honest conversation today. I think I'll be ok until my other therapist comes back. I like you though and you don't judge my body or say I'm too skinny or that I need to eat more. But you don't say the opposite either.

The songs this singer sings reminds me a lot of my transference T. I had this gut feeling one of these days I'd go full circle. And I think I did. Theres other stuff about this singer thats too personal to mention on this forum. But its eerie how much it relates to my real life.

Dear T,
I was thinking about what you said about "authority figures who believe in me" and think I had an "aha" moment tonight related to grad school, when that ended, and when other things started happening, like related to ex-MC. Part of me wants to email you like, "ooh, ooh, I figured part of it out!" But I will just tell you next session. It makes total sense though. I think? At least some level of sense.


Love,
LT

It was interesting how you really didn't know my age. It makes sense now some of the things you said at the first session and that kinda child like tone you used with me. Which I get. Most people use it with me who don't know my age. Funny thing is we're actually pretty close in age.

I wanted to email you about my trip tommorow and some anxiety I was having. But I think I got it under control.

Dear T,

Thank you. For pushing me. Gently. For encouraging me to share these insanely difficult things. I don't think I would share if you didn't gently encourage me. But you also see how hard it is. How insanely hard it is. And you praise me when I do well.

Sometimes that feels like you are feeding in to the parts of me that want to have problems here, but is that necessarily a bad thing? To feel heard, to feel seen, to feel understood? I don't know.

All I do know is that surely it must be working, because I have never shared with anyone what I shared with you today. I am seriously surprised that I did. A huge part of me didn't expect me to be able to, despite coming today with every intention of it.

I don't think I was totally present for a lot of the session today, except the bit at the end, the very end. I really really really struggled to access my rational mind, and noticed there was a lot of face pulling, a lot of cowering and a lot of that strange wry smile that seems to happen from nowhere when these other parts of me are present.

I'm sorry that I freaked out when you looked at me at the end. For the first time I actually turned towards you, to look at the picture 'with' you, and you happened to look at me at that moment. I think I actually screeched and put my hands up to my head. It's that that I think we need to do more of. It's that that I think will help us to feel more equal - working together. Creating something together. I'll give it some more thought and let you know.

And thank you for offering me to email next week when I can't come. Two weeks seems like a long time after sharing something like that, but maybe the two weeks is also a good thing. Who knows. I will try and email though, because I think it will be a good thing for me to do.

So yeah, thank you, for doing your best to help me. For staying consistent and being patient even though after over a year I really still don't feel safe in that room with you, talking about these things. I hope I'll get there one day.

Me

Hi R,

Thank you for holding space for me today.
I wasn't expecting there to be another element to our conversation about that...
I know I need to let some of the emotion out, but I'm scared to.

I hate it when I get shaky in session.

I think it's cool that you could see something was up. And btw 50? You look my age, almost. Thank you for allowing me to use your office to feel my feelings.

I really should have elaborated more yesterday. I know all this stuff with my head but my heart don't want to listen.

Goddess, how good it feels - this freedom - this I'M OVER YOU-ness at last. I feel lighter, somehow. It's been a long process; in 10 days it will have been a year since our final session. You did a lot of good, helped me in a lot of ways; but, you hurt me in other ways too and mostly because I think you never really understood the level of attachment I had to you; I also think that you were never equipped to deal with it either and both of those things caused me to stay a whole lot freaking longer than I should have.

I'm also so thankful that I'm not doing my "pollyanna, romantic, hallmark-movie-watcher" (as you called me) whitewashing of things anymore. It wasn't therapy for a long time, I don't know what it was, but it wasn't therapy, I know that now; while I remain grateful to you for the good stuff, because there was a lot of it, I'm so glad I was able to break away from the less-than-healthy rest of it. Whatever it was called.

Dear T,
I really want to know examples of how I "battered" you, in addition to the obvious recent one with the billing. And maybe a couple things I can think of from like 3 years ago or more, but it seems odd you'd reference those now? Part of me wants to ask you, but I'm not sure I want to know. As it could make me feel like I can't share, say, "This thing you said upset me" without thinking you'll feel I'm battering you. If that's the sort of thing you mean. Which, if that's battering to you? Maybe you shouldn't be a T! (OK, *that's* battering, but I'd never actually say that to you.)

Love,
LT

Tonight I am marinating in disbelief that this is actually my life.


Big questions, and there are no easy answers.


I am hurt by Steve's death in a way that I haven't been with any other loss.

I smiled to myself this morning as my social media post about 'finding good help' resurfaced.

Today is the anniversary of our first meeting in 2016.
I don't remember making eye contact during that time, but I'm glad I've reached a point where I can look at you now.

Connecting with you is a significant part of not feeling alone with it all...and so much has happened in the time we've been working together.

Everything I do just lately seems to require energy that I don't have.
I can't help but wonder how to take time to recover when the thing that I'm recovering from is ongoing.

Yeah Sheila, I'll admit its food related today. I almost overdosed on caffeine by drinking so much Mountain Dew and a can of coke this morning and I've also barely eaten. So yeah hardly any protein. Idk why I did it though. I guess I just wasn't actually hungry today. Just pretty thirsty.

Dear T,
There's stuff I want to say to you and stuff I wish I could explore with you, which might help me get past this. But I just don't know if it's safe. I don't know how you'd react or handle it. Or that you'd fully understand that it wouldn't be just about you (you do seem to be getting transference more, at least). The problem is, I feel I'd need to do this with you if it were to have any effect, not some random T that I just met or even R.

Hearing ways in which you feel I have battered you, which I fear tomorrow could end up being, if I ask, is not really going to help me, I don't think. I suppose I could just say that. Or I could say "OK, we can spend 10 minutes on this, then we're moving on. I don't want this to be all about your feelings" (I might put that last part a bit nicer).

Plus I may want to talk about my D, too.

Hoping R can have some ideas--just wish I was talking to her, say, Monday instead of Thursday.

I do think I may need to figure out what you can handle if I'm to consider moving forward with you. I'm just not sure how I feel about things right now--your comments yesterday didn't really help with that. I do wonder if twice a week would be better. Maybe we both need more time in between?

Love,
LT

I can’t believe his choice of words here - that he feels battered? How utterly painful that must be to hear from your therapist. He seems to give you just enough ‘care’ to keep you entangled in this dance of y’all’s. It must be so painful to have your emotions so wrapped up in this relationship, to have your world shaken from day to day, depending on his responses to you, or lack thereof. I hear you hang onto his every word, every gesture, every move he makes. I would imagine he might feel ‘put upon’ at times, due to trying to dance around any land mines that he might trigger. But to say he feels battered is much too much. You see him three times per week, right? And he indicated recently that he was having feelings around the amount you pay per session. I hear he is feeling resentful. Of course, I have no way of knowing that. Sometimes when resentment builds up a little at a time, then things like this happen: He feels ‘battered’ now. How horribly shaming. I can’t imagine I would be able to work through this one…but I do hope you ask him what exactly he means. You can’t really say that to a person and then move on like it never happened. It’s not fair to you - to lay this at your feet. And now you’ll walk on eggshells as so not to be ‘battery’. Ugh! I hope you do get the answers you need. I have a feeling he will, again, give you *just* enough to keep you entangled.

Dear K,

Well I never. That took me by surprise!! And I'm guessing you too... If you believe in fate as much as I do, then surely you must believe that the Universe is sending us a sign. This relationship is meant to be. We are supposed to be in each others lives, somehow, somewhen. I'm trying to figure out how I feel right now and honestly, I haven't got a clue. Thank you for approaching. Thank you for the hug. I wish the conversation hadn't been so awkward, but hey, that's still a work in progress for me with people who are close to my inner heart!!

It was really good to see you. I really do wish you all the very very best. I love you so much,

Me xx