Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLV

T I can't wait till Wednesday. I need your support now. I'm hopeless and I hate myself. I disgust everyone.

Not this ****ing merry-go-round again.

Thats nice of you to bring a cupcake for my birthday in a couple weeks. I've never had a therapist do anything like that since I guess they considered it crossing boundaries. To be honest, I've been craving a cupcake. It was also nice of you to ask if I'd be ok with it or if it would make me too anxious because of my food anxiety.

Dear T,

I wish I could talk to you right now. Session with K was a bit overwhelming, starting with turning into the parking lot. I'll probably end up emailing you, which is rather early in your vacation, but I think you'll understand. Or maybe I'll just type it up and decide later whether to send it. I'm really on the fence on whether to meet with her Wednesday, so maybe there's this part of me that would feel better if you were like, "Hey, it's OK to not meet with her." I just feel bad if I cancel, even though she said it was OK. I hate that I only have till 10 am tomorrow to figure that out. I guess I just expected her to be different or something. I don't know.


I miss you...
Love,
LT

I'm curious as to what you will make of the fact that I didn't manage to finish my post session write up last week. That's the first time ever since we started. I'm curious as to what I make of it.

I think I just got overwhelmed, and confused, and the feelings got too real? Too muddled? I didn't want to write about what I was writing about anymore, and I didn't know what else to do other than stop.

Why am I so resistant to talk about the relationship?

Dear T,

I'm sorry. I'm trying. Just struggling. Really miss you. Next Monday seems far away.

Love,
LT

I had all these thoughts and a whole list of stuff I wanted to talk to you about in session this week, more than we could ever get through.

Then I thought it would be best not to send my usual email but focus on what we started last week, that feels unfinished.

Now our session is in a few hours and I feel so overwhelmed with everything, I just want to shut down.

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Dear T,

I wish to say something.

Go f*** yourself.

Two more sleeps, provided the weather plays ball.

Thank you for the discussion today, I think it was very useful, and it was totally what I wanted to hear. It was also a bit overwhelming when you said that you could see I needed help. I don't like that. I don't want to need help. But if I do need it (and yeah, I kinda do), I'd appreciate the help to come from you, so thank you, so much, for finally verbally committing to working with me. I'm honestly not sure how I feel, but no matter what it is that I feel (though I only "think I feel"), I know both in my mind and in my heart of hearts this is the right path for me.

And now I sit and wait. There's clearly a lot of work to do around this, because I am in a really bad place right now. I should probably just give up and go to bed. I'm so angry because I had been hoping to have a good week, and now I'm sitting here on my own, hiding under my blanket, having gorged on food, unable to do anything (yes, I've tried) just waiting for you to probably not respond. Seriously, I could so be done with therapy. £80 I had to spend today, to walk away in a worse state than when I came. Am I just throwing good money after bad? I tried to write it all out, but I just ended up going round in circles and getting lost in a maze with it all. I don't understand any of it. The attachment stuff was so easy to understand in comparison, and you really knocked the wind out of me with what you said today. It made me question the very foundation of my existence and I can't deal with that. It made me feel like I couldn't trust myself, and if I can't trust myself, then what do I have left?

I cannot have you undermining me or the work that I have done in the past.

Dear T,
Why is this vacation so hard for me? I saw you on Friday (though virtually), so it hasn't really been that long at all, but feels like forever. Maybe the unexpected virtual was part of it? And Monday seems very far away.

I wonder if it's because I was feeling good about the relationship and connected on Friday? I tend to sort of pull away and act more distant before you go away, and I didn't this time. Maybe it's easier in some ways if we're having a conflict or not in the best place or I'm feeling distant? I think it was also getting triggered by K, even if it was inadvertent.

I hope you aren't annoyed that I replied to your email with an insight and asking if I still have the option to email later in the week. I mean, I'd understand if you would be. I imagine you'll hold the boundary and not say anything in response till tomorrow morning, which is fine. Part of me feels like I should send an email saying "No need to respond, I assume other emails are fine, they could just incur a charge, which I already said I'm fine with." But then I'm just compounding the problem...

Ideally, I won't feel the need to email you again this week (unless it's sort of a check-in over the weekend to make sure you're back and ready to meet, like a one-sentence thing). But I think I'd feel better if you said, "Yes, email is still OK, LT." Maybe I just want the brief connection that getting a response would give me... Though maybe you won't reply. Or you might reply with irritation--maybe this is me trying to push you away by annoying you, I don't know. I wish I knew where you were... I can't explain why that would make me feel better, but it just would.

Miss and love you,
LT

Dear T,

That was a cruel dream. I thought it a bit too good to be true that you had availability, and I thought it an oddly worded response.

This could be prime art journal territory, if only I could prise myself off my beanbag......

To paraphrase Snow Patrol....

'This is definitely overload.'

I wasn't really into the idea about adding creamer into my coffee when you suggested it yesterday. Then I saw they had Cold Stone sweet cream, Snickers, (I have snickers flavored coffee) and Cinnamon Toast Crunch flavors and they were intriguing so I figured a couple tablespoons in a mug of coffee would be ok. I want to prove to you that I am trying and using your suggestions.

Why am I such a mess, T? Why is this so difficult?

I managed to write. Properly this time. A letter than has been weeks if not months in the making. I haven't finished, but I'm hopeful that I can. I doubt it will happen, but I would like to be able to see you on Thursday, and to bring this while it is still very fresh in my mind, and in my heart.
Turns out I still have a way to go with regards to working on managing my emotions. I'm sorry.

I realized something this morning while I was doing the dishes, L. You know the saying "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder"? Well, it's similar with magic I guess - that magic lives in the soul of the one who feels it. And I will not let that go. Ever.

Dear T,

Please get back to me. Especially if the answer is no. I have committed to not letting the depression and anxiety rule my day today but it's a really hard fight.

Dear T,
Oh good, you're not annoyed (or at least refrained from expressing it if you are). Thanks for the good wishes for today's session with K.
Love,
LT

I don't know how much harder I can will you to message me. I'm very tempted to see if I can find a number and reach out a different way....

Thanks for confirming that the email went AWOL.
That's annoying - the single most important email I sent this week, and it's gone missing.

Hopefully you'll get it soon, now I have resent it.

Thanks for being gracious about the phone thing.

I need help dealing with this anger that is consuming me.