Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLV

i wrote an email to you last night but of course i won't send it. it's interesting to me, that somehow just the act of pretending to reach out to you was a teeny bit helpful. between that teeny bit, the bigger spark of hope i feel getting on the waiting list for pdoc, and now una's book suggestions the dark cloud is being pushed back ever so slightly just enough to where I feel like I have a little breathing room again. like descending back into the dark hell of clinical depression is not actually inevitable and I can still fight. That with help and connection with other people I might be okay this time. And then I talked to my sister, and she told me about a podcast i need to listen to called "We can do hard things" and this is a hard thing, this pushing back the dark cloud of depression trying to settle over me right now. if this has taught me nothing else, it's that i need to reach out everywhere i can and talk about it, not just let it overtake me in silence like I did back in 2008.

Pdoc please get back to me soon. Thank you. Kit

Dear T,
I think I sort of squeezed your hand at the end of the handshake today, before letting go. Thanks for squeezing back, even though maybe it was sort of an involuntary reaction. I feel it was looking for comfort and reassurance. Like something that can't really be expressed with words. Probably coming from a younger place inside of me, especially as we spent much of the time talking about my parents. Thanks for being there.

Love,
LT

I'm so glad he was able to offer you that, LT.
The hand squeeze is an underappreciated form of communication, support and encouragement.

I want to meet with you today but I don't know how productive it will be. I'm still pretty sick and I'm coughing a lot and I'm out of breath. So I don't know how much talking we'll actually get done.

I feel kind of guilty I cancelled our session and that you were so nice about it and didn't charge me. But I still feel badly. But you are literally leaving the practice for almost a year so I think me cancelling one session because I have covid and can't breathe evens things out a bit.

Thanks, Lost! Agreed on it being underappreciated.

Dear K,

I MISSSSSS YOOOOOOOUUU!!!

Love Me xx

Ps, it was good to see you in my dream last night!!

You're as stupid as the last one.

I miss doing dream work with you. Even more I miss the wild, wandering, adventurous dreams I used to have when we were in the thick of things. My dreams here lately are only snippets of things like the other night the purse dream, that was more than I usually remember anymore which bums me out. Man, I had some good ones back in the day!! Remember the ones that took up a full typed page? Yeah, I miss those ones. And the ones that you were in were always interesting.

Maybe I'll get out my box of dream journals this weekend and read through some of them, might stir up the ol' dream-maker and induce some dream time activity.

I'm feeling a little better again today than I was yesterday, so that's good. I had a meeting with my sup yesterday at work and I told her what was going on and she let me talk about it for a little bit, which was helpful. Showing up authentically does not come naturally to me, having grown up in a household where appearances were everything, but I'm learning. I mean you know how long it took me to be authentic with you. Showing up that way around my family, my boss, etc is hard but yes, practice makes possible. I won't say perfect cuz that I'll never be.

btw, it's almost 10 months now since my last session and yep, I still love you. I don't expect that will ever change. It's weird too, I want to hold onto the version of you that lives in my head that I can talk to about stuff and know what you would say... keep that, but somehow let go of 'outside my head' you, living-breathing-in-the-real-world you. That's a trick I don't know how to pull off.

Ha I guess my dream-maker must have taken note of what I was thinking yesterday when I wrote the above. This morning I was awake shortly before alarm buzzed, turned it off, then promptly fell back asleep for 2 more hours and dreamed what felt like a long, rambling, storyline... it was great... one of the dreams I've been yearning for!! I filled one whole side of an 8x10 notepad page writing it out. I'm going to type it up on my computer now because more details often come back to me when I type them up later in the same day. Oh how I have missed my long, wild, lots-going-on dreams!!

Dear T,

Trigger warning if someone is an emetophobe or doesn't like reading about gross bodily functions:


But I think that discussion helped you understand how deep-seated some of these thoughts and fears are. That they're just a part of me. My fear of disgusting/horrifying people.

Though it is amusing trying to think of what I could do to shock you/gross you out that would be something you hadn't seen before. (I won't actually do that though!) You're right that human bodies are pretty gross in general though....

Love,
LT

I guess its starting to sink in that you are leaving and I have to make a decision if I want to switch now or not. I really regretted switching with my transference T before I moved. But that was a whole other situation. Part of me thinks that this therapist does meet all my needs and she has room now. But will she have an opening in a month?

LT - i once had MOMtezuma's revenge (after eating at mom's) - my t LEFT THE BUILDING!!! So i was able to repair myself (and the bathroom!) in blessed solitude.

Lol to "MOMtezuma's revenge" (though sounds rough!) Nice that your T left the building (I mean, assuming that's what you'd have wanted!)

Dear T and E: Not sure how I can keep doing this. I have spiraled down so fast this week, and mainly today. E: You are amazing that you will do a short walk with me tomorrow morning. And that you stayed with me tonight until I was able to calm down some. Thank you will never be enough.

Dear K,

I miss you so very much.
It's all so hard to explain.
I'm not sure this is finished yet, but it's what I've got for now...

Losing your therapist.

It's been a year now, but the blink of an eye,
Since that fateful day where you said goodbye.

Why can't I see you, and take hold of your hand,
This is a loss I just can't understand.

I don't have a gravestone, or pictures of you,
And the memories I have, they just seem too few.

So much I miss, but no-one to share,
All of my longings just end in despair.

You taught me to walk, you taught me to be,
You were the good enough mother to me,

Something so special, something so right,
Something I held in my heart oh so tight.

Then all of a sudden, one day you were gone,
But you didn't pass, your life carried on

Beautiful poem Waterbear, thanks for sharing

I really want to email you, I want to hear from you, to know you’re with me still. But I feel like I need to leave it until I have more to say than just “are you still with me?”… Surely you get tired of hearing from me

I hate being back here. It's like I feared. The week was but a short relief. I want to go back to where I feel like I'm home.

Dear T. I'm sad today. I do not know why. And I am anxious. Waiting for Pdoc office to get me the paperwork for my workplace accommodation. The Practice Manager emailed me today and said she would work on it ASAP. But so far nothing. How long does it take to write a letter? Sigh. Kit

i'm sitting here thinking about so many things when i should be working. i can't focus today. I am coming to the conclusion that I no longer want your voice in my head. so why do i still love you?! maybe i'm finally just losing it. remember that analogy about my house and the cliff?!

I called my pdoc and asked if he'd raise my Prestiq. He said no. He said the the therapy situation and me getting Covid and going back to work are all situational issues that meds won't fix. Is he right in this? The Prestiq does really help me and I thought an increase would help. I do get that my anxiety isn't always mental health all the time and it can be situational or medical. A couple hours after I got off the phone with his nurse I got a massive stomach ache that did not feel like anxiety but just Covid leftovers. I get the situational vs actual mental health anxiety though.

I googled it. Doses over 50 mg dont have increased effectiveness, but they do have increased side effects.

Then he could have just said that instead of coming off as rude and like I was drug seeking.