Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLV

I haven't been thinking much about you besides our same taste in music. I have other, decently good stuff going on to keep me busy.

Dear T,
I really don't know if we can continue. Yeah, I've said that before, but after today? I really don't know... I feel like we both have resentment built up toward the other. Plus your need to focus on your feelings. When I'm the client who is paying you to work with and, I would think, prioritize my feelings.

I'm managing right now. In part due to the support of friends. And going out after session. And a brief chat with R.

But I just don't know about our future. Which is extremely painful for me, after all we've been through. Why do you have to be so weird about this? Like I asked today--what is so threatening and scary about me? Why can't we just process this? You know it's mostly transference.

My intention is to not email you. Well, unless it's to cancel Monday (though that would be a text). I need to think about that. And I think if I do cancel, it will be exactly 24 hours notice. As you require. In fact, I'm adding that to my calendar right now.

I just don't know what to think or feel. You've likely gone on with your weekend. I hope you think of me at least once or twice, to think, "Hey, I hope LT is OK, she seemed a mess when she left." I wish you'd check in, but you won't.

I thought what I needed was to work all this through with you, have you accept it, and come out on the other side. Maybe what I need is to stand up for myself, like I did today, and choose to walk away on my own terms? Maybe that would give me something--saying things to you that I couldn't say to the teacher or ex-MC (I guess I said a few things to him, but it wasn't the talk I'd wanted). And then move along and work on this attachment stuff with someone else, to move to the next stage?

Like maybe you were a needed stop, though perhaps I should have spent less time with you. Yet you gave me some really important stuff regarding my D. And helped me through the pandemic. It's not like it was all for nothing. But I really thought, two Mondays ago, that things were good and moving in a positive direction, that we could move to the next stage, to go deeper into things. How delusional I was. I guess you were just lying to me when you reassured me about all those things? Or maybe if I hadn't brought up the L-word again after that, it would have been OK? I don't even know.

I'm just trying to tell myself that so much of this is YOUR stuff, that it's not all just about me. You have lots of issues. I know it's easier to blame them on me because I'm not operating 100% in your comfort zone. But you need to be able to handle this stuff if you're a therapist. I don't even know what I'm doing that's so threatening, where you may feel the need to tell me to "back off"?

LT

Go LT!!

I am sorry though that you have to go through all of this.

Thanks, Velcro. I appreciate the supportive words.

Knowing what I know, how do I carry it?

I'm glad we are meeting on Monday. I was worried it was later in the week. My mom is being kinda annoying about it and being sort of dismissive and saying she wishes it were later in the week because we have to bring the baby with us starting next year. But its always been important to have therapy for me on Mondays and I'm glad I can go back to that. I don't get why she thinks bringing a baby with is all that hard.

It's supposed to hurt, it's a broken heart
But to movin' on is the hardest part
It comes in waves, the letting go
But the memory fades, everybody knows
Everybody knows
What if I'm tryin', but then I close my eyes
And then I'm right back, lost in that last goodbye?
And what if time doesn't do what it's supposed to do?
What if I never get over you?
Ooh yeah
What if I never get over?
What if I never get closure?
What if I never get back all the wasted words I told ya?
What if it never gets better?
What if this lasts forever and ever and ever?
I'm tryin', but then I close my eyes
And then I'm right back, lost in that last goodbye
And what if time doesn't do what it's supposed to do?
What if I never get over you?
What if I gave you (what if I gave you) everything I got?
What if your love was my one and only shot?
What if I end up with nothing to compare it to
What if I never get over? Oh, if I never get over
What if I never get over you?
What if I never get over you?
Oh, what if I never get over?
Over you

We seem to have had a series of impossible conversations lately.
Thank you for guiding me through them, and supporting me when it gets tough.
How on earth do I respect the person that I loved, and grieve the waste of his life?

Dear T,
Your email response this morning meant a lot. I really thought, based on the agreement, that you'd just say "Confirming receipt." But all that you said, especially that you looked forward to seeing me tomorrow, made me feel much less afraid about walking into your office. It has not made me forget the hurtful things you said. And that maybe you aren't the right person to work with me on this. But at least the relationship has not been completely blown up. Because I would not want to leave like this after 5 years (even though I know it would be my choice). But it seems you still have some goodwill toward me at least.

Love,
LT

Well tonight I understand why bringing a baby might be hard. But you are mostly a virtual therapist, so this time is really all that works out.

I didn't even know some therapists still did mainly virtual.

Dear T: Too bad we couldn't have an in person session yesterday but I definitely understand about the weather!

Dear T: Dang. I miss you. Wish I didn't. But I do. Kit

Today was weird. I've been feeling like barfing all over the place since about 8AM. Then I have this weird feeling in my legs like I'm gonna collapse. Which isn't helping anything. But why do you treat me like I'm mentally challenged or like I'm a kid? Last week it was a puzzle, today it was UNO. After 2 games of leaning over the table I finally had enough and said "do we have to play?" And you were like "no. Next time I'll bring legos and play dough." We aren't even that far apart in age.... idk you will do but I'll be glad when my other therapist gets back.

Dear T,
My mind started going to negative places about whether I you actually want me to "step back" now. But today you were talking about how you think authenticity in our relationship is important. Including your being honest with me about how you're feeling. So, I really think you would have just said it, if that were the case, or if I was very near that (whether you were referring to talking about feelings toward you--though you said today that's fine, it's more if I were pushing you to talk about yours--outside contact, sessions, and/or pushing you in other ways).

So I'm not going to check in with you about that. I'm going to talk it through in my head and sit on my hands until Friday (and might not ask you then anyway). And I'm going to just step back some on my own in other ways. I've already mentioned about reducing sessions. But pulling back on email and reducing my pushing you in other ways.

I said today how I thought your comment of how you may at some point need to tell me to "step back" felt like a threat. But what if I look at it in another way? What if it's almost a (not very pleasant) gift you're giving me, letting me know before you hit that point? So I can look at what I'm doing and maybe we can examine the reasons behind it before I go further down some rabbit hole into a place from which I'd/we'd have trouble returning?

We didn't get to it today, but what if that thought your colleague had about sabotage was at least in part correct? I mean, I imagine it's subconscious, but this can let me put it into my conscious and stop it before it goes any further. I mean, if I realize this therapeutic relationship isn't right for me and opt to leave, that's one thing. But burning it into the ground in some way isn't going to be good for anyone involved. Particularly me.

Love,
LT

Dear T,
As often happens after trying to have rational thoughts like I was feeling earlier, I'm now freaking out a bit. I'm thinking about the negative stuff from today's session, the guardedness by both of us, a few things you said. Wondering if we can fully repair this. It's not my concern that you're going to terminate me, but whether I'll feel I can fully trust you again. And not worry you're going to tell me to "step back". I don't want to be walking on eggshells.

I know it's way too soon to know any of this. And you'll say that we can work through it. I know the thing about the Jamaican fruit cart was a joke, but it's still in my head a bit.

I just wish I was seeing you Wednesday. I know it was my own doing that I'm not, but I canceled that to see R before Friday happened.

I know I just need to sit with this. I can't reach out. I know you'd say I could, but I'm saying I can't. I've done that too much lately. See above re: stepping myself back. I just need to take it day by day, even hour by hour. And find ways to distract and occupy myself.

Love,
LT

LT - Not "reasons" - FEEEEEELINGS.

Dear R,
I'm worried the inclement weather predicted for Thursday will cause you to cancel the session, as I imagine schools will be closed. Maybe you have someone else, like your husband, who can take care of the kids while you still work? Virtual is fine.

I wish I'd just scheduled you for tomorrow, then I'd definitely be able to see you, but at the time, I thought I was going to a concert and would be out really late tonight. Now I imagine if you have to reschedule, it wouldn't be until the new year... If I were one of your regular clients, maybe you could have squeezed me in next week, but as just an occasional client, I doubt you'd do that, unless I was, say, in crisis. Which I'm not. Just want to talk.

Though maybe we'd possibly still be able to meet in some way? I'd email to ask, but I think today is when your daughter is having a minor surgical procedure done, so I certainly wouldn't want to bother you! Perhaps if the forecast still looks ominous tomorrow (when you said you'd be back to work), I'll just ask if we'd still have a session if schools are closed. Just so I know.

Then again, who knows, maybe in the grand scheme of things, it's better if we don't meet right now? Not that I'm saying this storm is some sort of sign, just that I was already concerned I could become more confused when I talked to you. That was before Friday's session happened though...

Hm, it occurs to me that some of the worst sessions with Dr. T have been on Fridays (the "tornado session" from this spring jumps to mind). When I switch to twice a week, I should perhaps go with Monday/Thursday. Maybe he's just burnt out at the end of the week. But anyway, hope I can see/talk to you in some format Thursday or at least soon.

--LT

Before experiencing my own long-term therapy I would never have understood that word written with so many e's. But I certainly do now!!

It rained allll day yesterday, a gentle rain... the first rainy day in a very long time where I did not find myself wishing that old wish about you. Didn't even realize it until now, and with only a tiny bit of wistfulness.

Hi R,

Hope you didn't mind my comment about still being on Zoom last Christmas.
It was really special to be able to pick up our tradition of exchanging Christmas cards.
Hope you have a wonderful time over Christmas, and look forward to seeing you in January.

Best wishes,

Lost

Just looking in my emails for a draft email to you, and I found this... I wonder if you will ever read it...

Losing your therapist.

It's been a year now, but the blink of an eye,
Since that fateful day where you said goodbye.

Why can't I see you, and take hold of your hand,
This is a loss I just can't understand.

I don't have a gravestone, or pictures of you,
And the memories I have, they just seem too few.

So much I miss, but with no-one to share,
All of my longings just end in despair.

You taught me to walk, you taught me to be,
You were the good enough mother to me,

Something so special, something so right,
Something I held in my heart oh so tight.

Then all of a sudden, one day you were gone,
But you didn't pass, your life carried on.

Eternal time keeps ticking on as seasons come and go,
Through springs new dawn and summers heat, to winters falling snow.

But time is finite for you and me, mere mortals of this land,
And every day away from you I see the slipping of the sand.

I make the most of all these days and fill them with my best,
I do the things I know I love and then take time to rest.

And when I lay my weary head, when all around me is still,
I dream of the day when we'll meet again,
And hope against hope that we will.

Hi R,

I went to the Cathedral again today, to add a star to their Christmas tree in memory of Steve and Chris, and in recognition of the support I've received.

Ran into Simon, who was sweeping the floor. He said that Alan wasn't there, but he was 'sure he'd love to see me.'

I've decided what I'm going to do to mark Steve's birthday, and it feels fitting.

Part of me now understands that I need to separate my faith journey (?) from my grief journey over Steve's death. I don't know whether that's possible, but...I want to move towards that.

Dear K, thank you. Thank you for letting me into your world, just a little. Thank you for still being there in some strange way. And dear T, thank you also, I really appreciate your time and your words. It can't have been an easy email to reply to, so I am very grateful.

Dear T. I've been asked some complicated questions and I hope I can find out answers for myself. It's too big to think about though. The thoughts don't fit in my head. Love Kit

Oh dear T, just when I was starting to open up, too. Why do these things happen, hey? This will be a test, for sure. I can feel something, feels like it's going through my arms and legs. Not sure what it is though. I think I'm annoyed. I'm not sure I think it's right that you take a client in my spot without consulting me, but then you don't have to answer to me on how you choose to run your business. Thing is, I think I would be aggrieved even if you were a hairdressers, if we had a 'regular' spot and you just kicked me out of it. But I do understand that it makes way more financial sense for you to take someone who can commit to every week. I kind of wish they are more of a nightmare than I am.