Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLV

I'm not really thinking about our final session in a few weeks or what the new therapist will be like. I can't tell if I'm accepting it or avoiding it. I know I have a lot of other stuff to think about too thats also going on.

Why is it so hard for me to use my words and ask when I need support?
The realisation that I had basically used Steve's words back to him in my second letter is tearing me up.

Thanks for showing me how much you don't give a s***. Guess I needed a solid dose of reality. So yes, bullseye, 'dearest' T.

Dear T,
So I really was emailing you to confirm the time and make sure you didn't have anything earlier. But part of me wanted to say something else about the session. I wonder whether you realized/suspected that? But I'm still trying to keep my balance low (or whatever term we used for it) as long as I can before H's surgery, in case I need you more then. Or if I need you more for whatever reason at some other time. I'm not even sure what I would have wanted to say, let alone what I would have wanted to hear in return, so I feel it would have been a wasted, possibly conflict-inducing (if I were unhappy with your reply) email.

I'm glad we seemed to avert the conflict early in the session. It seemed like you were accusing me of something I wasn't doing--I wasn't trying to say that you'd said a particular thing, just that your saying it made my mind go there. It just started to feel tense, which is why I said "I don't want this to become a conflict." It seemed we both sort of reset then, which was a relief.

Love,
LT

I'm doing that thing again where I get stuck in my head and forget that the rest of me actually exists.

Going to try and get a doctor's appointment in the morning.

Last time this happened, I swore it'd never happen again.

See you in the morning

Instead of talking to you in my head, I just started typing out an imaginary session with you. We'll see how that feels once I finish it.

You haven't sent the zoom link out and you normally send it out first thing in the morning. I dreamt this last night.

Well you sent it. You looked really tired today. When I mentioned it you said it was the lighting in your house. You seemed faded today but you still actually did the session properly unlike some other therapists I've had who have brought their personal problems into work. I feel for you though.

Eight more sleeps...

So much going on that only a few people understand, and fewer still really understand.
More rigmarole to come, too...but we'll cross that bridge when we get to it.

Dear K,

I think I am testing you. And given my dream last night I think I am slowly but surely bracing myself for you failing, sadly. This could well be a turning point. I will be so sad if what I hope happens, doesn't, but in reality it is what I am expecting. I feel like I need to do this. To step on the ice and see if it breaks, though in this situation it's actually a case of not stepping on the ice. I do nothing and wait to see what happens. Wait to see if you remember. Wait to see if you will reach out. For the first time since last year.

And that's all I can do right now (well, it's not, is it. I could continue as we have been, but then my question won't be answered!)

I hope that you are well, and happy.

I love you loads, Me

Dear T,
It means a lot that you'll make sure Friday works out that I can still see you. That if someone else wants to schedule, you'll prioritize me. It makes me feel like I'm important to you, even though I guess I already know that I am.

Of course, I'm worried about what you're going to the doctor for. Especially if it's someplace where there could be a "procedure" you'd have to do and wait for in the same office. But you said it wasn't the sort of thing where they'd send you directly to the ER (after my comment).

Perhaps it's an orthopedist and they might have to do an x-ray in the office, like they did with H. Or a cardiologist, and they might want you to do a stress test. Or, because we were talking about toes, a podiatrist? I'll stop now (and won't actually ask you--well, I might say that I hope you're OK, but that's not prying, just expressing something).

But you know how my mind works! You understand it even better after today--I'm glad you seem to finally get how deeply the indecisiveness and fear of making the wrong decision, even over minor stuff, affects me. How it can be nearly paralyzing at times. Interesting how you compared it to your 3 am thoughts that a pain in your toe means you're dying.

And I think that was a good discussion about what happened briefly there last session, where you got defensive. But I also understand why you did.

Anyway, see you Friday, at some point.
Love,
LT

I don't know if we can fix this.

We had an ok session, and I got a long hug which provided more comfort to me than I knew was possible. But I now feel like you’re tired of me, like I’m wasting your time and you must be so sick of me continuing to come see you without making much real world progress.
But I can’t tell you this, because I know it may not be true and I am ashamed to feel these things

I upped my protein which is making me less hungry then before since protein fills me up. So now instead of being hungry on 1440 calories I'm full on 1210 calories. But I'm eating a ton more. Am I even worth it to you anymore since we only have 2 more sessions left?

It all changed when I just decided to go and sit next to it. Just to sit next to the massive pit of hurt and trauma. I literally visualised myself sat on dry land, just looking into it, acknowledging it but not getting drawn into it. It felt safe. It also felt like you were right there with me, hence why I drew the two people. Maybe that's something we should revisit.

I can't believe you didn't even notice my new glasses until I told you. I mean they're right there on my face and a different color and everything. That other stuff you've told me lately, like reiterating how impressed you are with my weight loss and how connected you felt to me while we were meeting on video, just feels fake now.

You feel different in this new office space. Our sessions feel lacking. I don't like your new office.

You basically said nothing about being out of town next week other than saying something vague about it a month ago without mentioning actual dates, just "first week of November". That's not like you. You always remind me of these things.

I shared something I feel deeply ashamed about yesterday and I feel vulnerable now.

I don't know which of these things is driving this, but I don't want to come to session tomorrow. Maybe I should just cancel. I've never once cancelled on you in six years. I could lie and say something came up with work, but I don't like lying.

Hey T,

did I ever tell you how useful the book was? To write and reflect, but actually also to tell you things in an indirect way that I wouldn't tell you otherwise. It feels much safer just writing it in the book and then letting you quietly read it to yourself at the beginning of each session. What felt like a total waste of time today could actually have been just another step forwards. Figuring out what not to do and what we can do.

Told you my grandad died on Sunday and that I was nervous about seeing family at another funeral so soon. Told you I didn't know when the funeral was and I wasn't sure about childcare etc. Then when I left you wished me good luck at the funeral? Confused.

Once again this morning things were going good regarding food and now I'm super low on calories and feeling like crap physically. Today I don't even know what happened. I just made bad food and drink choices.

My dad used to eat by the clock. One time my 2nd H teased him because it was 11 am and my dad hadnt eaten breakfast yet. H goes, you better hurry up, lunch is at 12!!

Maybe this is what we need to do, idk.

Hey C. I don't know what was going on with my phone earlier, I'm sorry we weren't able to talk today. Your message in the app said you left a voicemail but I haven't even got that yet. Stupid cell phones. Oh well, it was not a bad week really, I did the challenges I set up in the app and stuff, and I'm managing anxiety about son and about h's medical procedure tomorrow okay-enough-ish. I'm less worried about the results from my thyroid ultrasound because the dr didn't call me - if they were anything to worry about, I know she would have called by now. So I'm feeling pretty okay-ish today.

Dear T,
Sorry for my freakout email about the change to your invoicing code. I just went down a spiral with that one... I really appreciate your replying this afternoon instead of waiting until tomorrow morning. This part of me wishes you were warmer in your response, but reading it again, you were just being honest about the reasons, while also confirming that it wasn't about me, which is what I had asked for. So dunno exactly what I would have wanted, like what would have made it better?

I really think some of this was the contrast of feeling connected and validated in session and your "take care" with the handshake when I left, followed by my thought of (platonically) "I love you" as I was walking out the door vs. getting a bunch of invoices with a code inexplicably changed. I guess you had changed it recently and I hadn't noticed. But it was just jarring, I guess. Especially thinking of Wednesday, when you seemed in no rush to get me to leave, and it hit nearly an hour, how maybe you partly did that because you liked talking to me, then seeing you changing the coding. And fearing a subtle message.

I think maybe I need to talk about some of that Monday. Of course, this would be on a Friday that this occurred--couldn't this have been a time when you sent all the invoices on a Sunday, so I would have been talking to you the next day? But maybe it's better that there's some time in between.

But in order to talk about this, maybe I need to address feeling more attached/connected/secure lately, and how that can scare me, such that I'm looking for signs that maybe I'm mistaken in the security, that it will go away, that you'll tire of me. And yes, I was anxious about your doctor's appt. today, too--was glad you at least confirmed that "nobody's dying."

Love,
LT

Man, these therapists can come after you asking for payments long after you've stopped seeing them. My last therapy place contacted me suddenly through text after my last appointment with them was in September 2021 and told me I owed $508 from telehealth sessions from March-May 2021! I had to contact my old insurance company who says I don't owe anything and they are taking care of it.

Five more sleeps...see you soon.

Oh wow. Wow. I need to process this more but been doing some reading on shame, and something there, plus something I just saw on a comedy TV show has prompted a change of thinking. A tiny shift inside, but could be a seriously useful one.

I always thought shame was an emotion linked to something a person had done. Like you could only feel shame if you had done something wrong. But that isn't true is it. Is it?

We need to explore this.

Social structures. Other people can shame you? Does that make you feel shame? Wanting to make yourself feel small. Disappear. Like you are worthless. Lowering yourself in the social system. Hierarchy. It doesn't have to be linked to something you did... Is that right?

Interesting stuff.