Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLV

C, last week was a pretty great week as far as being able to control my worry. A couple of financial-related things are going on for me right now which you'll read about once you look at my answers on the app for this week's exercises and I handled them very well, I caught the worry before it became a tornado each time and was able to stop it/let it go. If I wasn't doing this program right now, I'd have likely been sucked into an F5 worry tornado already. It's funny to me how I recognize so much of this from therapy with L, but it's all really coming together in a workable way now whereas apparently before I hadn't yet been able to put it all together into a workable format or something. I may tell you that when we talk later today. I'm so thankful I found this program through my job! Heh, I also saw that you changed my appointment from 15 minutes to 30 minutes for today, I guess you're assuming we'll talk longer again like we did last week. 15 minutes really isn't much, honestly, when I think about the kinda lengthy answers I wrote in the app the other day. I'm glad you're able to give me 30 minutes. It's helpful because you share so much good stuff. I'm going to miss talking to you when this ends 2 weeks from today!

Wait until you see what I look like in a hoodie. Then you will for sure lose your ****. My mom commented on my weight today so I do not doubt that you would have too. I just don't want to fight about this each week. Some stuff I'm not even doing myself, its the meds and hormones I'm on. Unless something happens tonight and I have to switch to virtual I'm pretty sure the majority of what we'll be talking about tommorow will be food and weight related.

I really really really hope this gets easier.

Hey C. I'm glad you let me know that I can continue in this program after the 8 weeks (and continue with you as my coach) if I choose one of the other areas of focus. I need to check and see if it would still be 100% covered by my insurance - or if not how much it would cost. I just might be interested. This solution-focused, goal-oriented, in-the-moment stuff is good for me. I wouldn't have been ready for it 10 years ago, but it's sure the right time now.

E: I wish I could carry you around in my pocket with C all the time. What would I do without your support?

I hope today goes well. I didn't sleep too good last and I'm about 15 hours behind on my weekly shot so I'll have to get it in a few minutes. I feel pretty much ok right now. Yesterday my eating was awful though. Quality and quantity wise and I'm not sure its even worth bringing it up.

I had my mom take a few pictures of me and she says I kinda do look anorexic and its best not to bring up yesterday with you.

I am legit very nervous to see you. This reminds me of how I'd have to close my eyes and do some deep breathing and pep talking before logging onto my telesessions with my transference T because of the anxiety the sessions caused. I'm hoping what I'm having now is just anticipatory stuff that will go away once we meet.

One more sleep.

Dear T,
I hope you don't read into that one thing I said. I imagine you've completely forgotten about it. I thought about emailing to clarify, but that will probably just shine more of a light on it, rather than it just being one comment. I'll see what I'm feeling like later.

Maybe this is just one symptom of a general therapy hangover, where I feel I shared quite a bit between Monday and today. But I guess this is what I need to be talking about right now. In some ways, it's easier talking about stuff from my past than from the present...

Also, I'm glad you were understanding about my concern that you wouldn't be there because I didn't see your car in the usual spot. That you expected me to be looking for your car, once you told me which one it was. Made me feel less stalkerish!

Love,
LT

Hey C. While part of me likes that you kept calling me sweetie yesterday, most of me was like NOOOOOO don't do that I'll get all maternal transferency on you and I don't want that! I mean if you knew my history with L, you would never have done that, but of course you don't.

hey L you know what would be super great?



yeah i don't either.

You called one of your clients "8th grade gymnastics girl." I wonder what you call me. "Eating disorder trans dude" maybe?

I do appreciate though the email reply you sent an hour ago. Even though the "have a good week and keep eating!" Part seemed a bit stupid.

Hey again L. So my son sent me a pic of him holding up his first (fishing) catch in his new state. He looks so happy, my first instinct was wanting to share it with you. I wonder when that instinct is going to go away? if ever.

Dear K,

I MISS YOU!!!!!!!
It's six weeks shy of a year since I last saw you. Over a year since our last actual therapy session together and yet I still can't get you out of my head, or my heart. You are still the last thing I think of every day when I go to bed. I just can't get my head around the fact that I'm never meant to see you again. After everything we did. After everything you were to me.

You know I'm not letting go, right? You know I'm not able to do that. I miss you and I love you and I think I always will. I'm waiting until November before I write to you. A kind of Christmas catch up letter.

I wonder if you'll ever be the one to reach out first? I don't think you will, sadly, not unless we can change the dynamic of what we have right now, but I'm not ready for that, yet.

I hope you are well, and happy. Love you lots, Me x

I'm not sure why, but after last session, I felt depleted and surreal. I cried at night thinking of the girl lying in her mother's arms, trying not to move lest she destroy this rarest of moments when her mother's needs aligned with her own. It's okay though. Sadness is better than anger by a long shot.

Thank you for validating my experience completely.

I needed that, and you picked up on it.

I know you want me to gain weight but I've decided to put muscle on instead. Even though you told me not to do that either. Isn't putting on muscle a good thing though?

Don't fire me on Wednesday. I swear its med related or something.

E: I guess I’m glad I made it through his service okay. Thanks for all the coping skills you’ve taught me. I definitely wouldn’t be making progress without you. I feel really bad bc of my relationship with T is still important.

Dear T,
Wow, I'm really surprised you agreed to shake hands tomorrow! I'm glad I asked you. I'm a little concerned I'll get all teary-eyed from it, as it's been 2.5 years, but I doubt that would surprise or bother you. I do wonder, though, if it might feel very anticlimactic. Like, "Why was this such a big deal to me again?" But I guess I'll just see what happens.

I think I might just ask you about the gift instead of bringing it tomorrow. Maybe the same with a card? To see if you'd rather, say, I just email something. Or that you wouldn't want to read a card in front of me, as I suppose that's what I'd want. So then I'd know what to expect.

Love,
LT

I had a dream about my transference T last night. I can not understand why I still think of her with this new much better non transference therapist around, but I guess the feelings never do go away.

Disbelief deepens
Shepherd abandoned the flock
More Pain Olympics

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I don't know much about churches, as I tend to stay away.
I do know that they talk a lot about being there for people in their time of need.
The 'national mood' doesn't mean that individuals' pain should be disregarded.
I don't have the wherewithal to take this one on, because I'm the one who's going to end up wounded.

It's irresponsible of them not to offer something else, or an alternative date.

I am SO exhausted. But, I made it back home. Intact. Still with a LOT of sadness and grief. For what, I fully do not know.

Dear T: I am annoyingly more upset about you moving back our sessions 15 minutes/having to end a little earlier. I feel like bc I am the last client, I get the shaft. Of course, I will never tell you this.

I got super scared last night and went into my moms room for 15 minutes and even then I was very unsettled. I know the therapists I've told this to are understanding because they understand when I do this It must mean I am pretty frigging terrified. I feel like you'll understand too hopefully.

I know I was okay not talking to you Saturday but I am really now looking forward to talking to you tomorrow. Though knowing me, I won't feel like talking to you tomorrow, but I will anyway. Thanks for being honest with me. Love you! Kit