Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLV

I'm thinking of the time in November 2019 when I was dealing with cellulitis and I was very sick from the antibiotics and this 2 year old got mad at me because I wasn't being overly friendly to his mom and he said to me "why you don't talk to mommy? Talk to mommy now!"

Its like "why arent you emaiIing me? Email me now.."

Hi R,

I have no idea where tomorrow's session is going to go.
I'd like to unpack the experience of the service, but I know we need to talk about my outburst at Steve before the break.


First of all, though...the candle.

Ps, I'm really good at practicing CBT on myself... Problem is, it doesn't help the feelings. Really. I feel like I'm the adult and the teenager all rolled in to one. You hit the nail on the head today when you said that I totally missed out on that stage of life when you learn how to have and how to manage emotions. So I'm learning how to do it now. And I guess I just have to keep telling myself what I know yo be true, and hope one day that it does affect the way I feel, because right now it doesn't seem to make a blind bit of difference.

help. help. help. help. i can’t do it anymore.

Thanks T. You're awesome. I wish I knew you.

Thank you for your compassion and understanding today.

It means a lot to hear you say that you are proud of me.

Hey L. So this morning I was reading through my therapy notebook from our final sessions, and came across something that you had said, that I had completely consciously forgotten about... but when I read it I remembered you saying. Reading it left me feeling good again about our ending, and I think reading it also helped me get over the lingering hurt from that one thing you had said that haunted me for many months... and, it totally explained something else that I'd been questioning inside myself - the thing you said, is exactly, precisely what I have been doing with those emails I'd sent you previously, isn't it, and it all makes so much sense now. You really are one of the good ones, you know, despite a few mistakes you made here and there, and despite that I still think you never really understood the depth of my attachment to you. It's definitely been a process 'getting over' you/getting over the IRL relationship. But, I think I'm finally getting there, nearly a year after our final session. Definitely getting to the point where I can look back at our therapy relationship and appreciate all of the good things that it was, while forgiving both of us for the parts of it that weren't so good, and holding onto the version of therapist-you that I have created in my heart.

I'm suprised you emailed me back this afternoon in response to my email from yesterday. Although you have never really left me hanging before. Your email was understanding and sympathetic and you said you hope I have been feeling better and are looking forward to chatting with me tommorow.

I am feeling quite a bit better from all the covid crap. Plus I actually ate today. Like went out and ate healthy stuff at a resturant. Which is super rare for me to do. I hope this therapist you are switching me to is as nice and understands the things you do.

Thank you for being here for me this week. Trying to hang onto Friday is very, very hard.

Sometimes I just want to frame a poem.

This one is one of those.

Dear T
You really hurt me this week. I don’t know what I have done wrong for such a big change in demeanour from you. I wish I never went to our session. I hate the things you have said. You have hurt me so much and it feels like you can recognise your part in it. Like it’s all being blames on me.
For the life of me, I hope we get through this. Because I am not ready to let you go. I’m not even close to that.

So I am asking you to please not abandon me. Please stay with me. Please feel safe again

At some point tomorrow, I will find out whether I have won a place on the mentorship scheme.

With just five places available, I have no idea how to feel about it...

I'll let you know when we next speak.

Hey C. I meant it, I really do appreciate your guidance during the past 16 weeks. I enjoyed our conversations and learned a lot, and will continue to use the self-challenges thing to continue pushing myself outside of my comfort zone. That last challenge I gave myself especially had a surprising result - with my Supervisor giving me information I hadn't even asked for! So that was good. This result really makes me want to continue speaking up. I didn't tell you this, but I'm gonna miss our weekly talks.

Dear E: Thank you SO much for being here for me this week. I don't know how Ive made it through. I still don't know how I will make it through, but maybe seeing you tomorrow will help.

L,
I have a feeling you canceled our session without us agreeing on it. I don't blame you if you did, but can you make it up somehow?

Dear T, I am starting to wonder if we will still keep intouch even if you do not come back to the clinic. I miss you very much and right now im struggiling with my mental health again. The therapist that is in for you has canceled on me twice now. I hope to hear something on Monday from her.

Dear T,
Sorry for falling apart when you said "I'll need to wrap you up." As you know, I try so hard not to overstay my time, and it really was just at the end of the time. Thanks for being kind about it and reassuring me that you weren't kicking me out. And still talking to me for a couple minutes after, though I wish we'd had like 10 more minutes. And that it wasn't a Friday, so I'd be seeing you sooner.

I did sit in my car in the parking lot crying a bit after and messaging with a friend. Had it not been pouring rain out, maybe I would have gone out someplace for a bit. If H weren't having surgery soon, I could have gone inside somewhere, but can't risk it right now.

I really had intended to talk about other stuff today, like revisiting some stuff from recent sessions, continuing threads from there. But I guess I'd been holding in stuff from that commercial for a few weeks now, so once I mentioned it, I unleashed a bunch of thoughts and feelings regarding D.

You seemed affected at one point. I do still wonder about your son, but of course won't go there--well, I suppose I know more about his birth now! I do wonder if I'm reacting in some way to your sharing that story. Though if I am, am I reacting to your sharing about your role as a husband, a father, or both? Interesting (though not surprising) that she gave birth in the same hospital as me--wonder if you used the same OB practice? And if you took childbirth classes where we did?

I may end up emailing, not sure. Part of me figures I should at least wait to see D's report card in a few hours, in case I want to talk about that instead of or in addition to whatever I'm feeling now. I'm not even totally sure what I want to say to you or what I'd want you to say back right now, and that's not a good basis for writing an email (see, I'm learning!). So I'll see how my feelings evolve over the next few or 15 hours.

Love,
LT

I put everything into that mentorship scheme application, and I didn't get in.

I'm sorry, Lost. Hugs, if wanted.

For some reason I'm kind of emotionless that next week is our last session. Maybe I'm handling it ok. Then again I felt this same with my transference T. I thought ending things with her would be a breeze and I'd have no issue moving on. And then it turned out to be one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. I hope it won't happen with you. At this moment I'm fine with things.

Dear T,
Now I regret emailing. I should have just waited until Monday, but the feelings just seemed overwhelming (and I didn't even tell you the extent of it). Please be kind in whatever you say. Sorry for sending the second email, but I just had this fear you'd be like, "I give you lots of extra time--what do you want from me?" or "this is a professional relationship, and you have a set amount of time" or something.

And now I'm afraid that if I end up feeling the need to email during H's recovery from surgery, you'll charge me, and I'll feel rejected because it's been so long since you've done that. Maybe I'm sabotaging myself in a way, I don't know. Or maybe I'm just hurting and want reassurance.

I do really wonder if this is mostly about what we talked about, all the stuff with D. If I'm really seeking reassurance about that, that you think I'm a good parent even if maybe I sort of paused trying to help her in certain ways. It seemed like you understood why. And weren't judging me. Well, maybe you were a little. But you can't judge me more harshly than I judge myself....

Just please don't be annoyed with me for the emails. I'm sorry. And please give me some sort of kind, caring reply today, even if it's just a sentence or two.

Love,
LT

Three more sleeps. Thank goodness.

Dear T,
That was a really kind, supportive, reassuring response. It made me tear up in a good way. Thank you. And I understand now.

I do think much of this reaction was due to the main topic. And it's easier to worry about overstaying my welcome and asking you about than to wonder whether I've been a good enough mother and think of all the things I could have done differently in the past 11.5 years. Maybe we should continue that Monday, or maybe I should put that topic on pause until H's surgery and maybe a week or two after. Yes, pausing is likely the best option, aside from day-to-day issues that may come up with her when I'm the primary caregiver for that week.

Love,
LT

I miss you, L! So so much. I can't wait to see you again whenever that is.

Ahhhhh!!!! What is even happening?