sorting out how I feel

So, here is a post about my T.

I am trying to sort out what I feel and whether or not it is okay to feel however it is I feel.

Yesterday we had a session. All of our sessions are on Zoom except for a few we had on the phone when her internet wasn't a good connection and the two where she came to my house.

It didn't start well. T seemed distracted, which she later owned. She had just got back from the grocery store, she hadn't folded the laundry, and there were dishes on the table. She needed to change rooms. Okay. So she changed rooms. (She meets me from her house on Zoom. I have seen her kitchen, her dining room, her bedroom, and her living room.)

Background: I relapsed yesterday after 12 weeks.

So we were trying to talk about some stuff. And it's been about 20 minutes and we still needed to get to how to move forward from this when she gets interrupted by her brother, who lives with her. He didn't come into the frame but he was talking to her, although I couldn't hear what he was saying.

T got flustered. First she said she needed to end the session. Then she said she just needed to take a break from session and would be back in a few. Then she said she needed to end the session. She said she wasn't charging my insurance for the session and I didn't have a fee because I am at the point in the year when my insurance covers the whole session.

So what happened was: her daughter fell a couple of days ago. Broke her elbow. Hurt her knee. But she was having other medical symptoms that were concerning. T had been trying to get her to go back to the ER. Apparently, daughter decided to go to the ER. So T wanted to end the session with me so she could go be with her daughter. Understandable but still sucky.

So we ended, but T made me contract. All I did was promise not to do anything that night. And I felt coerced into making the contract so whatever.

I have many feelings. I am feeling sad for T's daughter who they think has a fractured skull as well but they are waiting for the results to be read. I am feeling disappointed that we didn't have our full session when I really needed it even though I understand that family comes before me. It was sucky timing for me being that I was a bit crises-y. So I felt a bit selfish.

I also felt that if we were in a proper office, this interruption would not have taken place. I sort of think that when T is at home talking with me, she isn't as professional. Like she told me yesterday that she hadn't combed her hair. I couldn't tell but that makes me feel like she isn't as professional at home. So maybe she didn't really see me as a client right then.

This morning, I don't know. I just feel kind of bad. Not that I am bad. I just don't feel well. My stomach sort of hurts. I feel sort of sad. I feel sort of disconnected from things. I feel like I had too much information about T's daughter. I feel worn out. I'm at work. With nothing to do of course but ruminate.

Just bad timing...c'est la vie I suppose. Not too sure what to do next.

hugs

kit

Hi Kit,

I'm sorry your session was such a mess.
Even if you are not paying a fee for your session (I don't understand the American system, so please excuse me if I have that wrong...) she is still supposed to be professional.

I can appreciate that T was concerned about her daughter, and yet when she is in session...you should be her priority. Especially in the circumstances you describe.

Helping you figure out how to move forward is important, so that you can build on the successes you have had.

You're doing really well, and that's something worth trying to hold on to. The therapeutic relationship should be a tool to help you do that.

I'm not saying that you are beholden to T as a reason not to hurt yourself, but rather within that relationship, there should be a sense of support that you can lean on when you have those thoughts.

If she's not able to provide that consistently, then maybe it would be better for you to find a T who can offer in-person, in office sessions.

It sounds like you would benefit from that kind of container. I appreciate that you are attached to your T, but is she really capable of providing what you need most right now?

Also, your feelings are your feelings. 'Your feelings can't be wrong', as R often reminds me.


Hugs,

Lost

Thank you, Lost

About the insurance: for part of the year until I reach my out of pocket maximum, I pay part of the fee and the insurance covers the rest. After I reach my out of pocket maximum, I pay zero and my insurance pays the whole bill. T gets paid the same either way, just who does the paying shifts partway through the year for me.

Ideally her brother would have waited until she was finished with my session before interrupting her and telling her about the daughter. The daughter fell a few days ago so this was like, going back to the doctor, not the first trip. But once she knew about the daughter going to the Emergency Room, she couldn't concentrate on me. I get it. Your daughter is hurt. You want to go and comfort her and be there for her and whatever else parents are supposed to do. (She is grown and does not live with my T just for clarification.) I get that I am second priority when it comes to stuff like that.

Just the timing sucked. I'm trying to hold myself together today but it feels like I'm holding myself together with scotch tape and not duct tape.

I don't know if another T would be better. I just know I can't leave. I'm like trauma bonded or something. I don't even understand myself. My head does see red flags but the heart won't hear of it. When she is 100% she is great. But when she's not, she really sucks as a T.

She texted me today to update me about her daughter. Not one question about how I was doing. Petty to think that way, I know. But sigh. It is what it is I suppose.

HUGS Kit

As Lost said, feelings are never wrong. And you are not selfish for 1. Having feelings and 2. Expecting that your sessions are your time. T should have helped you more with your relapse than just making you contract.

There is nothing wrong with how you feel. Except your belief that you are selfish.

This is not a boundaried professional relationship, which is muddling the waters as a consequence.

She behaves more like a friend or a peer than a professional in the service of you. This blurring of boundaries is not fair to the client and not *ethical*. And, as you are appreciating first hand, you are paying the price for her inconsistency + from her placing the burdens of her personal life squarely on your shoulders.

You relapsed, you needed her - or at least, you needed consistent, undivided, care and attention (which is a T's role within the 50 or 60 minutes of a session). Instead, she left you hanging. What I am asking myself is: where are your needs met in this professional relationship? And is it enough?

Kit, I don't think it's petty to think that way at all, regarding her updating you on her daughter but not asking about you. It might be different if she were a friend or family member, but she's your T--the focus should be on you and how you're feeling.

I can definitely understand her wanting to be with her daughter. But like you said, it wasn't the first doctor visit. Unless it seemed like a case of life or death (or if she'd just fallen), I'd think she could have waited 30 minutes (or however long was left in your session) to go. And her brother interrupting her, unless it's a true emergency, doesn't seem right. Like you said, if she were in an office (or didn't live with him), that wouldn't happen. Maybe he'd have texted or called, but she could have chosen to ignore it until the end of your session (or possibly read it really quickly).

I admit I was bothered by the time this summer when Dr. T's wife called him in the middle of session and he talked to her for a couple minutes while I sat there. It's when there was a tornado warning, and she wanted to make sure he was aware of it and to move to an interior part of the office suite that didn't have windows. He explained later that she'd done the agreed-upon call for an emergency, where she called, hung up, then called right back. That he wouldn't have normally answered the phone (plus she would have known he was in session, I think, as it sounds like he gives her his general schedule--not names). It would have been more difficult for me had it been during a virtual session and she or his son was talking to him in the room (even if I couldn't see them).

Anyway, there's also the element of her being distracted by the laundry and groceries. Dr. T has said before that he has more trouble focusing at home, which is why he typically comes to the office to do Zoom sessions. Even at home, he's generally in a small office (I assume) with the door closed. So he wouldn't have those sorts of distractions. It's good your T admitted being distracted, but it would bother me if it was due to something like groceries/laundry. She should be able to put something like that out of her mind or know that if she generally can't, to not be in a place where she can see it.

To me, the big thing is her lack of consistency and reliability lately. It's been for a variety of reasons, but it seems like she's canceled a lot lately. Or ended early. You need someone who will generally be reliable. Of course, emergencies and illnesses/injuries happen, and no T is always going to be there on time, fully present for every session. But yours just seems especially inconsistent and unreliable. And also, lately, more focused on herself than on you (I think of her texting you that photo of her injuries).

I'm not trying to trash your T, and I know I can get defensive when someone is critical of mine. She seems lovely in many ways and that she genuinely cares about/loves you. But maybe she's not the right T for you right now, due to her inconsistency. If you don't feel you can terminate entirely right now, possibly you could find a new regular T and just see this one occasionally?

Hope this helps in some way. And I'm sorry you're struggling. Do you have another session scheduled? It would be good if she could try to find a time this week to make up this session with you.

ETA: Hugs!

You seem to dread the idea that you are selfish, slumberkitty. Bugger it. Be selfish. Be concerned about your own needs. Prioritise your well-being. More women should be selfish, we won't find our freedom and solace by denying our importance. Your needs are central.

Im afraid i disagree about the emergency notification. The daughter wasnt going to a regular dr appt, she was going to the ER. T could have been notified by phone and needed to leave immediately. So i really dont think cutting the session short was a function of zoom.

And re having your cake and eating it too. How can you rejoice at having a t who does home visits and at the same time condemn or question her for her loose boundaries?

This reminds me of my home situation. On the one hand, my parents gave me a lot of freedom, while simultaneously being overstrict. I found this frustrating. It was like, either trust me or dont. But they were not trustworthy. Are her actions reminding you of your own parents? Like my dad would agree with me, but not in front of my mother! That did NOT help. So im thinking, your frustration with t echoes your frustration with your parents. Youre caught in a bind. (After reading moo's post) How to break out?

Thanks Una.

I'm not sure exactly how your response helps me to sort out how I feel but I appreciate you taking the time to write it.

Thank you Comrade. I do dread the idea of being selfish. I am generally a generous person and it feels bad/shameful to be selfish. I'm sure some of it is my religious upbringing but maybe one day I will get around to working on it in therapy.

Thank you LT. Thank you for your kind words. T did mention rescheduling. Although she said she was pretty full Wednesday and Thursday, although I have a feeling she cancelled today's session to be with her daughter. Just what I gleaned from the text message. Thanks for the hugs as well.

Rive, thank you. It feels less and less like a professional relationship. Although I have had a lot of therapy so I should know red flags when I see them, for some reason it is hard to break away.

Thank you Scarlet.

HUGS all, Kit

This is upsetting, Kit. If this were a one-time thing, fine, no problem. But she is consistently inconsitent... also: why does she (and now her daughter, apparently) keep falling?

Thank you AliceKate for your reply. Yes she has been inconsistent a lot lately, and this summer come to think of it. I went down hill this summer but not enough evidence to say if there is a correlation. I'm pretty forgiving so I'll be "over this" in a day or two. Right now I'm just wishing we had not had a session at all because to leave things off in the middle was far more painful than just not having a session.

Oh and apparently daughter went to urgent care. Not the ER. I'm pretty sure, and maybe Una this is what you were talking about, my parents would not drop everything to come sit with me while I was in urgent care. I'm not jealous that her mom came and did that. I just think my parents would expect me to take care of that by myself.

Thats all i ever wanted!

My t used to reschedule my regular appt when his daughter flew in so he could go pick her up at the airport. My parents would not do that. This was strange to me, but it made me realize that this is what caring parents do.

Yes, I would find that strange too.

In addition to the other problematic things people have noted, I am wondering whether all these rooms have doors that close. Could her brother hear what one or both of you were saying during your session? Having to wonder who was listening in would really bother me.

Her unprofessionalism and lack of boundaries are really throwing you all over the place emotionally. I can see where you're trying to accept the unacceptable by contorting your feelings and perspective, and it's not good. Given what you have said before about your background and childhood, you're already being retraumatized in this relationship.

SK - you are paying this woman for a service. She is not performing that service with any real consistency or skill. It doesn't matter that she can be nice, she can have good reasons, and she can have traumas of her own like other humans. You can feel sympathy for her and still not put up with it. She is a goof. Find someone who is not would be my position.

Feelings are feelings and you are entitled to feel what you feel. I’d be very unhappy being interrupted by a brother walking taking that’s just a no no. Going to ER or urgent care for her daughter who could possibly have cracked skull is a different story. Is daughter having some other issues? Why did she fall? Even if she stayed in a session she’d likely be unable to focus anyways. I totally get how you feel but I can’t imagine doing anything knowing what’s happening. I get it about being professional but life happens. I do understand though if emergencies happen a lot then maybe you do need a different t. With no kids. But she might have elderly parents etc maybe the one who does therapy in the office not at home.

Good luck, Kit, with trying to sort this out. It's an emotional experience, with its many dimensions, that only you can really sense & feel. It must be awfully hard, & I can imagine the personal feelings that would make me feel less important than T & her life. But you value her in other ways?, so it's a dilemma? I kind of wish you could find a better T, but only you can know what's right for you.

Your feelings are yours and totally OK even if you aren't sure what they are.
Awesome T has warned me once that he had some things going on and if his phone rang in session he would have to answer it. He told me at the beginning of the session and it didn't end up happening. If there were ever a family emergency there would be no way for anyone to get ahold of T until the end of the session. IF someone were to interrupt our session for an emergency (OMG I am hearing his wife yelling up the stairs and flipping out on the inside) it would have to be huge. I am willing to say he would 100% call me back that night to check in on me, apologize and update me on whatever happened as well as rescheduling.
Even awesome T can be somewhat more distractable on virtual sessions. I remember one when he was in FL and a neighbor started mowing near them and he kept looking out the window. BUT he always gets dressed for session, Always has a space set aside just for the session (usually a kitchen table if there isn't an office available) and always goes through his pre-session rituals. During Covid he even went into his office for all of his virtual sessions so that clients could have that consistency even though it would have been easier for him to work from home.
Awesome T does have some loose boundaries but never unprofessionalism.

Flip side... as a parent if I were in T's position... provided my daughter was comfortable with her uncle and it wasn't true life or death I personally would have finished the session then cancelled remaining sessions for the day. Depending on the daughters condition the uncle could get her checked in and by the time she was in a room I could be there or they could wait until I was finished. My son was a head banger, so we had a LOT of head injuries. If there was an emergency that caused me to cancel on my clients I would follow up with any clients that needed it once the crisis was stabilized.

Long reply short each of these individually would bug me but I wouldn't say anything. All of them together would really upset me and I would have to say something.

Sure sounds like a plausible correlation
I'm note sure I understand the difference between ER and urgent care, but I imagine it would have been feasible for her to go half an hour later if it wasn't technically an emergency....
Hugs Kit. Let's hope for parents like that in the next life..

Hugs, Kit. I'm sorry you're being left to struggle so often by her inconsistencies. I also agree with everyone above that your feelings are legitimate, and I don't think you're being selfish at all. You hired her to be, she's paid to be, and she's supposed to be (i.e. she's trained to be) a boundaried professional and you have every right to expect that of her. Sure, she's human and 'stuff happens' sometimes, but it seems to happen an awfully lot with her and it sounds like it's causing you a lot of grief and turmoil. I'm so sorry you're struggling so much with it. I think you've hit on something that has a ring of truth to it, where you wondered if the two of you are trauma bonded or something. I wonder. I hope that you are able to resolve this situation in a way that is helpful for you. I wish I knew what to say and I hope that I'm not just babbling here. Sending more hugs.

Thank you so much everyone, truly, for your perspectives. I am waiting to hear from T. To see how her adult daughter is and whether she was hospitalized, or is staying at home and mom (T) looking after her, or what. Also waiting to see when T will reschedule me. I figured if I don't hear from her today, I will reach out tomorrow via text and "check in" to see if she is willing/able to reschedule for this weekend. I don't know how old adult daughter is. I don't know why she fell. I do know she is old enough to have a twenty something year old son, so I figure she may be 40(s). I know way too much about T's family, I realize as I type this.

I've planned a mental health day for Sunday. I am going to stay home from Church, do self care, watch Aurora Teagarden DVD's and chill. Reduce my stress as much as possible. I also see my GP today and I know she will do a mini psych visit so that will probably be okay. I'm feeling better about things, how time tends to do for me. I also though have a nagging feeling like my harm to myself was not important. Kind of like how my parents literally ignored it for years and years. It's only been in the past three years that my parents have been willing to acknowledge it, talk about it, accept that it happens from time to time. T seems to be inadvertently sending me a message that this pain isn't important. So I am paying attention to that. Maybe I can talk to some other supportive people in my life about these feelings that have emerged and see what they have to say.

As for the difference between Urgent Care and ER is Urgent care can handle some things that you need to see a doctor for immediately and you can't wait to see your own doctor for a day or two. They really vary in what they will do. Some will do x-rays. Some will do stitches. Some will do just basic first aid or write a script for a virus. It really depends on the urgent care. I usually only go to urgent care if I can't get into my doctor and I have symptoms of a virus. Otherwise I go to the ER. So the fact that she went to Urgent Care instead of the ER makes it seem not as serious, but sometimes urgent care will refer a patient up to the ER if they can't handle it there at their facility. Urgent care is also cheaper. For me it's like either $30 or $50 to go to urgent care. GP is $30. Specialist is $50. Pdoc is $200. ER is $250.

Thanks everyone for your messages! HUGS if wanted, Kit

Your pain, your feelings, your needs are all important and worthy of attention and consideration from others.

I agree with this. And you certainly should be getting that from your T. And should have gotten that from your parents.

I'm glad you're taking a self-care day Sunday.


Hugs to you, Kit.

Thank you Rive. and LT.

T texted. Her daughter is fine. It was seasonal allergies causing her symptoms, not the fall that she took. I'm sure T is relieved. I texted and said that I am glad daughter is okay. Then I waited a few minutes and texted again and said we should see about rescheduling when you have time. T sent back a heart. If she has been staying with daughter she will need to go back to her own house and stuff so I need to be patient and give her time to be reoriented at her home or office. So I must be patient.

It also works the other way around...

So I must be patient.
So I should be patient.
So I'll consider being patient.
So I'll be mostly patient.
So I'll be patient to a point.
So I'll be patient to a point, meaning i'll wait a day or two before feeling it may be justified to get pissed.
(escalate as appropriate).