Couch 241: Twin primes!

(therapy never really ends even after it ends, does it?)

International shipping is ridiculous!
I've just been looking at a guided grief journal, and finally added it to my basket.
When I went through the checkout process, I discovered that the shipping added up to the price of the item again!

If I'm going to pay nearly £50 for something, I want to be certain that I'm going to get the use out of it.

Thanks, LT. I did tell her on text but not when we sat down in session. We mostly talked about how the past three weeks have been. She thanked me for giving her the time off and not texting her etc but how it would have been fine if I had. I did text her a little bit, mostly to try to set up a session but it never really worked out. I did talk about the hallucinations too and being sad and also being scared about being rejected for my Peru trip by the Missions Director. She asked if I was nervous about that because of my Schizoaffective Diagnosis. I said yes. She didn't really have anything else to say about it so I don't know what to do with that fear. I'm going to give the director this week to go over my testimony and application and then text him next week if I hadn't heard. He said he would go over it after the New Year. I feel slightly more connected to T now after our session. She hypothesized that my SH is more a compulsion than an impulse and talked again about me having OCD. She also said her goal this year is to bill my insurance since she is crap at that and hasn't billed my insurance in the 14 months that she has been my T. Which means I am overpaying for my insurance because all these appointments are not going to my out of pocket maximum. Sigh. There wasn't really any ah-ha moments. But I guess it was an okay session.

Love your painting, Artie! Gorgeous!

@@ How I wish I could tell my T that her flakiness and unreliability is affecting me. I can't bring myself to say it. Maybe someday when I get pushed over the edge. UGh.

HUGS, Kit.

I'm so sorry your T's unreliability has such an impact on you.
You are worthy of consistent support, and I hope you can find the courage to seek it.
For what it's worth, I think it would be better to speak up before you get pushed over the edge.

What a potentially hurtful thing to say to a client. I would not have been okay with that comment.

These are the basics of her profession. She should be taking care of this. Does she know she's costing you extra money? I mean, for Pete's sake, you're already setting up her Zoom calls and paying her in advance (with her flakiness, I wouldn't pay her until after the session has taken place). She should be running her own practice, not leaving all this up to you to deal with.

I know there's an attachment, but I feel like you could find a better therapist that would actually meet your needs. You deserve that.

I agree. Since Brexit, shipping to our stupid little island has become truly ridiculous. It's either wildly expensive with added complication of import taxes, or businesses in other countries don't ship here at all. It's infuriating. Obviously, there are much bigger issues going on in this island but this is the kind of small scale problem which was never discussed during the Brexit referendum.

I am having trouble focusing on work today. My son is in town now and I want to go see him stompstompstomp but I can't cuz I have to work. Ah but besides he's a grown man who has his own life and doesn't want his mama clinging to him every moment he's in town so I will try to wait patiently to see him on Friday when they plan to come over.... just chomping at the bit a lil to give him a hug I guess. Their flight got in during the wee hours this morning so they're probably still asleep rn anyway!

What do you think stops you from doing so?

I love how much of a good mama you are artie.

Good question, Lemon,

I think fear of conflict. Plus I think part of it is just her. How she is in her ordinary non-T life. I don't think me telling her would make a difference. So I just try to accept her, flakiness and all.

HUGS Kit

Yay! My 12x12 inch canvases just arrived while I am on break. I'm super excited now about for-reals starting the meditative painting course; these look SO much bigger than the 6x6 ones! In fact they look huge to me. I can't imagine painting on a 24x24 one. Welp break is over back to work with me.

Awww thanks. I appreciate that!

It's the fact you realize he's an adult and respecting his boundaries despite missing him terribly.

My mother would have been over even if I was asleep and I would have 30 missed calls. .

I haven't seen all of your previous posts about this T- just the last page. Conflict can be good in making relationships stronger.

Like NP said you really do deserve a much better therapist and you don't have to settle for this because you can't see it for yourself.

A : @@ quote "this is hurting you". Her flakiness is not something you have to fully accept. If she's unreliable drop her and find someone who can fully be there and support you. "No therapy is better than bad therapy." as EM once said.

You’re starting from the wrong premise. Your premise is “she won’t change so I just need to deal with it.”

The actual premise is “I need a reliable therapist. She isn’t it. I need to find a better one.”

You didn’t take vows to this woman or swear an oath of loyalty.

In college I was devastated by a breakup. A friend gave me the Dr. Seuss book “One fish two fish red fish blue fish” to remind me there were more fish in the sea.

Same with therapists.

Hugs, Kit. I completely understand the fear of conflict, as I've struggled with that as well. It was put in my head during childhood that if expressed anger (or other negative emotions) to someone, then they'd abandon me.

I feel that one of my biggest gains with Dr. T is becoming better able to tolerate it, to the point that I will tell him when I'm upset/angry with him or feel hurt as a result of something he said or did. It's still scary, but it's also freeing to be able to get some stuff out. The session last month where I raised my voice to him (and shared other thoughts much more calmly during session), I had this sense of empowerment after that. (I did apologize later, and he accepted it.) I was worried about the relationship, yes, but I also felt good for having spoken my mind to him instead of just turning it back on myself.

It's helped me some in outside life, too, becoming a bit more assertive. But I feel like therapy should be a safe space where you can express those things. I'm not saying you should yell at your T, of course. But expressing how some of her flakiness affects you could be a positive thing for you. Even something like, "I'm never really sure if a session is going to happen until you're there on my screen." Which is more expressing your inability to feel secure rather than coming out and saying, for example, "You're so unreliable!" Or to let her know how you've had to pay more for sessions due to her not filing with your insurance (she probably doesn't know that).

Just something to think about. Especially as it's negatively affecting you. I agree that you deserve a T you can rely on.

Thank you LT and @@ things to think upon.

I see my T in her office this weekend, well at least I hope I do. Unless she cancels. It's about an hour and 15 minutes one way but I figured it would be good to see her in the office setting. See if she is more professional there or not. And to see her amongst her professional things instead of seeing her in bed or on the couch. I'm not looking forward to the drive but I am looking forward to the session. Maybe I can tell her if she is more professional in this setting to find times to see me when she is in the office. We'll see.

Boy did I get a new one reamed this morning on a call! Holy carp. Sorry sir I'm not your fairy godmother, I can't bippity boppity boo this issue away. I hate January. So much for my resolve to go into this month with a positive attitude. I guess waking up with a headache this morning isn't helping matters any. I get to see my son tomorrow. I get to see my son tomorrow. I get to see my son tomorrow. is on repeat in my head to get me through today!

I'm going to work on the painting course after work today... 5 more hours left of this 10-hour day... halfway there!

Hang in there, Artie. Sometimes work sucks but then it makes the time off so much more sweet. You can do this! And hooray for seeing you son tomorrow!

I hope you'll be able to meet with her and that she might be more professional. I can't imagine meeting with Dr. T from his bed! Even his couch would be weird. When he met from home, he was always in a sort of desk chair, usually in what looked like a home office, but a couple times in what may have been a bedroom (I couldn't see the bed though!) or, in one case, his basement (quarantined for possible Covid).

I do wonder if she could just meet with you via Zoom while she's in her office, like you said. Or if she maybe has a home office or could set up a tiny desk in her bedroom (which I've done).

Yes the bed is a little weird. I always meet her on Zoom from my dining room which has a desk, a computer (obviously) and a chair from our table. When we have met in my home I always meet her in the dining room, at the table. She's never even seen my bedroom. But I've seen hers. I have to admit. That was pretty weird.

Again, i admire your restraint!

I'm tellin' ya. We should get one call every January where we can SAY stuff like that bahahahaha!