Couch 241: Twin primes!

Finally happy Christmas and new years day is doneish. Tired of the pressure to be happy the "most wonderful time of the year" when I've just been miserable.

F goes back to work from tomorrow, there's around 4 more hours of today left . I know it's unreasonable but I'm feeling so annoyed at him for taking a break in the first place.

He did offer a session on the 18th which I didn't take up. So it's 3 weeks that I haven't seen him.

Hugs, Lemoncake.

10 more days!

Oh my how adorable!!!

I took down my outside christmas lights today (we had to per the HOA, should have done it yesterday per them but oh well). It's actually somewhat helpful going outside at night now and seeing our street looking back to 'normal'. We're keeping out tree up though until after son is here later this week. He texted today and they're not going to stay with us after all, they found an affordable-enough hotel. I suppose it's just as well, as they are night owls, and I'm gonna be starting work at 5am beginning Tuesday so... still, I wish they were going to stay here. They'll come over probably on Friday and we'll do Christmas with them then.

Haven't talked much with H yet. He was home for about 3 hours (and on his computer) when his work called with another job so he's been gone again for about 3.5 hours, not sure when he'll be back. They have been keeping him busy lately.

cooollll whip! anyone do anything for the new year? i was in bed by 10:30.

I crocheted most of the day on NY eve, then fell asleep watching tv. I am old and boring haha

Spending your time creatively is never boring, Artie.
The only reason I stayed up until midnight (at 30 years old) is because I figured there were going to be fireworks, so it would be pointless to try and sleep.

Well, so much for the reduced overtime this month! haha. Already this morning they've reneged on the overtime reduction. PPbbbbtttt I say. Oh well. I like the paychecks anyway.

true, i guess the boring part was falling asleep in front of the tv! boring cuz there was nothing good on.

H and I went out for dinner at the early bird time of 4:30 because that's when his mom was available to watch D for a few hours. I was then asleep by 9:30, so you had me beat!

I didn't really do anything for new years. I did go out to dinner with my parents at a nice steak house. But I was in bed by 8 PM.

What do you talk about when you don't know what to talk about with your T?

I have T tonight, well, supposedly. I sent her the Zoom link and my payment so we'll see.

I don't know what to talk about tonight. I kind of feel like we need some kind of connection session since she was on vacation for a while. I don't feel connected to her at all.

My son and his gf are actually flying in tonight! I got the dates wrong haha. They're going to come spend some time with us on Friday since that's my day off. Yay! Can't wait to see him, knowing they are on their way has cheered me up a lot!

Glad to hear it, Artie! I hope you enjoy your time with him.

If you feel the need to connect, maybe tell her that? I've done that before. Maybe just talk about how your holidays went? And you mentioned having hallucinations recently--not sure if it helps at all to talk about that.

L and I have too much to talk about. But when I need connecting, we focus either specifically on connecting and grounding (i.e. holding hands, breathing, just going with the flow, playing games, asking each other questions, etc.) or sometimes we do deep emotional tunnel work (i.e. talking about trauma, attachment, etc.) which tends to get me crying. It's connecting being able to experience pain in the safety of her presence.

Today happened to be a connecting session with handholding, breathing, talking about my dogs, and crying about attachment pain.

Kit, maybe you should talk about how her flakiness and unreliability does not help you at all.

I have had a day—dentist this morning (a crown needed to be recemented), then doctor to look at my arm, then X-ray on the arm. X-ray hurt because of the position my arm needed to be in. Like nausea inducing pain. It’s likely just tendonitis, X-ray was to rule out any fractures.

So I am having a hot fudge sundae with jimmies for dinner. Sue me.

Also, what will they think of next? A human dog bed: Amazon.com

So I started the meditative painting course last night but very quickly discovered that the little canvas I have is way too small... so I painted a light brown color over what I started and let it dry for a background of something else. And, I ordered some bigger ones that should be here by tomorrow night. I like the instructor so far, she's really upbeat and happy in the first video anyway and her voice is relaxing to me. There's nice calming music playing in the background as well. Looking forward to starting again once I get the bigger canvases! She recommends using at least a 20x20 inch but I wasn't ready to go that big just yet so I tried a 6x6 last night and that was just way too small. I have 12x12 ones coming now. My new paintbrushes are nice, they don't lose bristles every 2 seconds like the super-cheap ones I used to have did. These are still not expensive, but they're a little nicer than I've had in the past. I figure these were my christmas present to myself! I know I'll be having some good paychecks this month especially since they bumped us back up to working 60-hour weeks... so I am considering going ahead and getting a couple of 20x20 or even 24x24 canvases after I get the first of the overtime paychecks just so I have them here. Now I'm just rambling I'll hush...

@@, thanks for the update on your arm.

That dog bed is 4' x 6' ! With an egg crate upgrade?

Here's my latest attempt at a painting, it's not part of the meditative painting course, just something I did outside of that. I haven't named it yet.

Time to log onto work. Hugs and headnods all around as appropriate/wanted/needed. Later couchies!

When I have nothing to talk about in my session, I usually talk about how upset I am that I don't have anything
Those discussions have lead me to believe that lots of people don't have something to talk about every time though. My T says it's fine to talk about whatever, small talk for a session is fine to connect.

Oh, I like that, Artie! Nice colors.

Thanks, LT. I find it almost as relaxing as crocheting.

I had an interesting conversation with L in my head last night (I do that a lot) I told her I felt like I owed her an apology for the whole my previous behaviors making her feel taken advantage of thing. And in my head I heard her say "You don't owe me anything, Art. But maybe you should think more about what you owe yourself."

Indeed.