Couch 242: madam i'm adam

Could you figure out something you want to spend money on, whether new clothes, a trip, spa day, therapy, anything really, and think of the extra overtime money as a way to pay for that? I mean, it will still suck, but maybe it will help to think you're working toward something fun or useful.

Great idea, LT.

Hope you can work something out, Artie.

Yes, I think the trick is to not buy something considered a "wedding dress."

Though I ended up doing that. It's funny now, but the original one I bought, they had to alter it a bit, and when I went for the fitting, I felt like I couldn't breathe in it. They tried to take it out a bit, and it was still a problem. Like, "No, if I wear this on my wedding day, I'm going to pass out at the altar." Ended up getting one off the clearance rack (still a bridal gown) that I liked better anyway! They gave us a partial refund for the other dress.

One thing that really sucks about wedding dresses, too, is the sizing. The one I got was 2 or 3 sizes bigger than what I wear in typical clothing. It makes no sense to me--if anything should have "vanity sizing," it should be wedding dresses!

I feel OK about much of my Dr. T session yesterday, but am feeling really bad now about the email part. Where he said, in a discussion about email, that I'd been emailing him a lot lately. He asked, "Do you not think it's been a lot?" And I said I didn't think it was that much (about one a week), especially with two of them only being a sentence or two long (and one was just thanking him for his support that session, so I wasn't really counting that--didn't mention that though). To which he said, "Well, they were still emails."

I also said how at the time (a month ago), he'd said that one of the longer ones (a few paragraphs) wasn't that long and "not a big deal." So I guess I just didn't see it as being an issue? And that's when I tend to feel worse about things, when I'm trying to follow the rules, but still mess up in some way (not just with Dr. T, with people in my outside life, too, or work).

I asked if it would sort of "reset things" if I didn't email for a couple weeks. Dr. T: "That would help, yes." I asked, "But what if something really bad happens?" He replied, "Of course you could still email then."

I just feel sort of like a little kid who's been bad (thanks, paternal transference!). And like a sort of safety net has been taken away. I don't know if this is a case where I'm supposed to limit emails more going forward or if it's sort of a temporary reset thing. He's always said he would never take email away from me, that he offered it at the beginning, so it wouldn't be right to take it away. And I don't think that's what he's doing here. But it still hits me in a bad spot, like I've been "too much."

Holy carp artie.

That's a great idea, focusing on my planned trips instead, to visit my sister at some point this spring, and am trying to pin my son down for a few days he'll be home so I can go visit him as well... It's so easy to lose sight of the good stuff sometimes, I wonder why that is.

Also I made a lot of stress-related Amazon purchases in January (oops), so I'm paying those off too. Books, painting supplies, some clothes, yarn... it adds up quickly. it's way too easy to place orders on there. But I am working on feeling grateful that I can so easily pay off those stress purchases BECAUSE of the overtime that caused them haha.

And yeah, therapy...

A spa day would be awesome too. There's a couple in town that have intrigued me for a while looking at their websites, but I haven't gotten past daydreaming about it!

Dr. T baffles me sometimes, LT.

How else are you supposed to contact him? Carrier pigeon?
I bet he'd be even more averse to that.

If a therapist agrees with a client that they can make contact, then it doesn't make sense to me to put a limit on that retrospectively.

I hope you're able to figure it out in a way that means you still get the support you deserve.

Thanks, Lost. I think what's particularly difficult for me is that his email limits seem rather arbitrary and inconsistent. Like if he said to me, "OK, you can send one email a week" (or one every 2 weeks) or gave me a sort of word limit, that would help.

But sometimes, I fear I'm emailing too much, and he'll be like, "No, you're fine." Or I'll say I know an email was long, and he'd say, "It wasn't that long, and it only took me a few minutes to respond." So I've had that in my head.

It's just confusing to me, and he doesn't seem willing to give me a more set limit or standard (he's said I'm really the only client who regularly uses email in this way, like for support). It's almost like that court ruling ages ago regarding what's considered obscene: "I know it when I see it." How can I know if I'm breaking a rule if the rule is unclear and shifting? (I had similar issues with ex-MC and ex-T, particularly ex-T.)

Clearly, I need to discuss this a bit more with him (but not over email!).

I would be confused too, LT.

LT, you do spend a great deal of energy worrying over emails: has he read them, when will he reply, have I emailed too much, his response or lack thereof was not what you were looking for . . . .

He's offered this support, but he is giving mixed messages, and you don't handle ambiguity well. It is probably, like you wrote, a case that he's never dealt with this level of email interaction with a client previously, so what he thought it would be and what it has become may not be quite what he was envisioning. However, here it is, and you are needing more clear guidelines for email interaction in order to relieve your anxiety about it. Put it to him that way: sometimes we just have to regroup and re-establish those guidelines from time to time. That isn't unusual in any kind of professional situation -- over time, sometimes we just need to regroup.

I wasn't one to email or even call my therapist very often, but there were other aspects of my therapy that we had to kind of regroup about from time to time. That's just part of the growth and change in relationships. Knowing the goals, the parameters, the boundaries and realizing they are going to change as we change is just part of healthy relationships. Nothing stays entirely the same over time -- change, whether we like it or not, is always happening. This is just one of those points where you need to be on the same page as you move forward. It doesn't have to be a crisis -- just an adjustment or reiteration of expectations.

Thanks, Artley. I agree that email can be both a source of comfort and anxiety for me at times. And I'll sometimes get annoyed with myself for sending them, as it can lead to anxiety. Or disappointment, if he sends a lackluster response (or doesn't send one at all). But then at times, he can also be comforting and supportive over email.

I have learned not to get into anything that could be a conflict over email, to save those for discussion in sessions, as email tends to be less likely to go well.

When you say to talk to him about a regrouping, do you mean to ask him for more specific guidelines?

I've tried to do that, but he seems unwilling to give anything specific. Just that if it goes above either a certain length or number of emails in a certain time frame (both also unspecified), then he may have to charge me. And that if it became too much, he'd let me know early on instead of waiting until he was feeling resentment about it (I guess that's what he's doing here, telling me early). Unlike, say, ex-T, who sort of exploded about them at one point out of the blue.

But maybe he'd be willing to give me some guidelines if I ask for them again. And at one point, prepandemic, we were using a green/yellow/orange/red system (yes, based off the US post-9/11 terror threat levels...) in terms of where I was in email levels, whether I was at a point where I'd have to pay. But he'd only say if I asked, like "What color am in emails?" And if he said green or yellow, then I'd feel OK sending one. But of course, I'd have to ask during a session, not via email, as he generally only replies in the mornings, which is fine. But if I sent him an email asking if it's OK to send an email...by the time he replied, it would likely be too late to send and email and get a response that day.

He didn't charge for emails the first 2 years of the pandemic, so we got away from that system. He also seemed more relaxed about the number. His changing to potentially charging again has also been difficult for me, mainly because it wasn't a thing for 2 years, and now I have to consider it again. (He seemed surprised a couple months ago to learn that it wasn't just the financial aspect for me, but also emotional. When, duh.)

Maybe we can still utilize that system though (for both "too much" and whether he'd charge me) and find a better way to do so. Like maybe he'd agree that if I sent an email during the day of "Email color?" he could send just the color back that evening or something. I mean, if it's not obvious (like if I haven't sent him an email in 3 weeks, I'm sure it's fine and wouldn't have to ask).

Thanks, Artie.

I did the same for my wedding dress. It was meant to be a summer lace dress. We were on a budget and want to spend the money elsewhere.

Lt- have you considered

Putting a schedule or number on yourself - and asking it he is good with one or two emails a week - so in other words you taking the control and responsibility for some of it? It seems like you could be sending too many that have No clear purpose but more like just "hi" sorts.
And he may wanting to cut back on that now as he encourages you to have agency

No wonder this stresses you out. I was stressed just reading about the ever changing target you're trying to hit. He seems kind of clueless sometimes about emotions and what might instigate them for being a therapist (re: the part I highlighted).

I wore a black skirt and black and white patterned blouse when I got married. I wish I hadn't. I felt fat and ugly and not like myself. I probably should have worn pants so I'd feel more comfortable in my skin. I also put on some minimal makeup which I don't normally wear which contributed to me feeling like an alien. Probably didn't help that the newly minted husband was flirting with the woman who was driving the horse-drawn buggy we used for transportation to and from. You'd think he could control himself for one evening. God, I feel like such a ****ing idiot when I think about that day.

I like watching Say Yes to the Dress clips (although I like Gok and the curvy brides one from England a lot better) on youtube and I often think they spend obscene amounts of money on these dresses. At the same time, if I were going to get married again, I think I would want to fork over some cash for a nice dress. I want to feel pretty again like I did for my senior prom. I had the most beautiful dress that my parents probably spent way too much money on for a prom dress, but it really did make me feel good about myself.

I would want a super simple wedding. Maybe just elope then come back and pay for dinner for people I cared about. I only have three names down for my imaginary wedding. Hair stylist I do actually keep in contact with. The receptionist at the salon we go to because he's so sweet + Fin who said he would come in full LOTR regalia. ( I said I wanted it Lord of the rings themed).

You could also just hire a dress for the day kit.

Thanks, NP. I don't think he realizes that it's a changing target--it probably seems clear in his mind. But it's certainly not clear to me!

When he said "Oh, I thought it was just financial, that you didn't want to pay," I just sort of stared at him, a bit incredulous that, after knowing me for 5 years, he didn't realize that it was more than that. Or at least suspect it.

Plus, doesn't stuff about money often have an emotional component to it? He also does a lot of marriage counseling. Does he assume if couples are fighting about money that it's always just about the money? Because it's probably not. (I mean, maybe in some cases if one partner spends tons of money, but that spending might be a way of fulfilling unmet emotional needs or something).

Both my sisters see the same stylist + he gave me a free haircut too. I honestly think it's better than traditional talk therapy. Go in for a blow dry art and make it a regular thing. He's said the same thing before.

When h and i got married 25 years ago I didn't want any big fancy thing either. I bought a beaded dress but it was knee-length, not like a gown or anything and it was $100 and I think my sister made my veil. I still have my dress, I've never worn it since as I'm not the kind of person that goes to places where one would wear a beaded dress haha

In retrospect, I wish we'd had something smaller. I want to say we had like 125 people? The place we had it was gorgeous (ceremony and reception were both there), but I feel that H and I had to spend so much time circulating the tables and saying hi to everyone (including some we didn't know that well) that we didn't get to have as much fun ourselves. I also wish H hadn't shaved (he normally has a full beard), as he doesn't look like himself in the wedding pictures.

I really like one of the salons near my house, they're a bit more pricey than I used to ever do, but I like the feeling of being taken care of there - they have fresh-baked goodies and tea/coffee, and do the whole shebang wash/condition/cut/product & style for the one price. I think that might be just what I need right now. I've never had a salon appt that didn't include a haircut before. But why not, right? Go spend some of my overtime money on having somebody wash and style my hair even if I don't get it cut! Although I would be a little embarrassed cuz the henna i did awhile back is growing out but they wouldn't judge, I suppose.

What happened with the charging for emails? I personally think having unclear boundaries is not good for you and this intermittent reinforcement from email isn't good for you in the long term.

30 people would be too much for me.

You could always do a redo and renew your wedding vows.

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I only found the salon maybe 5 months ago. I had dyed my youngest sister's hair blue. Then realized that I needed a professional to fix it as it grew back She literally had two block colours in her hair. There was honestly no judgement and I don't think you would get that at your salon either. I wouldn't feel comfortable at a super fancy and posh salon, but they're very inclusive. They also do mirrorless services so you don't have to spend your time staring at your reflection. They had one male member of staff wearing mini skirts.

A single appointment with Norman costs £60 for a blow dry. There's no cutting involved. You can also get treatments done too. Ours does Innoluxe basically adds protein to help you hair grow and feel better.