Couch 242: madam i'm adam

Captgut, of course i remember you. We had similar attachments to our ts. I hope you can stay safe.

I'm making a scrapbook for my dad's dog that passed away last year. My sister was supposed to do it, but never got around to it. I'm using shutterfly and canva. I've been having a lot of fun!

I also got my IUD removed!!! They said it dropped really far down. I feel so much better mentally without it. It just felt like an alien inside my body. Never again will I do that!

Things in therapy have been really hard. I'm realizing how unhappy and unsatisfied I am in my marriage. And in my life. I feel pretty hopeless right now. L says there is a path forward even if we don't see it right now. She's holding the hope for me since I can't. The only reason I'm safe right now is because of the promises I made to her.

HUGS Scarlet. That is nice that you are making a scrapbook for your Dad.

Can't decide if I want to text my T just for the connection or if I actually need something. In my mind, it isn't acceptable to reach out just because I want connection--even though I know it would probably be fine with her. And I know that Wednesday and Thursdays are busy for her. So I don't want to set myself up for disappointment. Even though she usually gets back to me at some point when I text her.

Hmm.

HUGS, Kit.

I hear you about it not being 'acceptable' to reach out because you want connection.
Do you have previous messages from your T that you could look at?
(That's what I do when I think about emailing R for similar reasons.)

Hope you find a way through it soon - keep posting if it helps!

Take care,

Lost

Thanks Lost. I do have a nice text message that T sent me last week when I was feeling suicidal. Well after the fact. I didn't bother her with it at the time and instead utilized a crisis line, which helped. When she checked on me later in the week I told her about it. She went on and on how I can always reach out to her--maybe she was a little upset that I hadn't--but the nice loving, caring part was good. Maybe I will wait and see how I feel tomorrow, which is a less busy day for her usually, and if I am still in this weird space I can always reach out then. But re-reading what she wrote last week might be a really good thing. Thanks so much for the suggestion. HUGS Kit

Ha. So much for my resolve. I texted T but told her I was just checking in with her for connection and then let her know the couple of issues I am having. But I let her know that generally I am okay. Like I am not in crisis and it's not an emergency. We will see if I regret it.

Congrats!!

I'm hungry too. So I am probably grumpy.

Anyone else looking forward to Valentine's Day? No significant other here. But my Dad always gets me flowers. I am thinking about getting myself some chocolates this weekend. We'll see. I did buy me some new Vans. A light grey/pink floral high top pair which looks really cute with leggings, a black on black checkered slip on pair to replace my old black on black slip on pair that is getting worn out and that is my usual day to day shoe, and a green lace up pair. Kind of a kelly green. Really cute. Not sure what I will wear them with but I really liked the color. I want to get a high top pair of yellow too, like goldenrod yellow, but I need to wait. Maybe when I get my tax refund.

The shoes sound cute, Kit! I think it's nice that your dad gets you flowers.

I'm feeling pretty sad about valentine's day this year. Also, a little melancholy/sentimental or something because my dad's birthday is coming up next week, it's almost 10 years now since he passed. It's hard to believe. But my family, every year on his birthday, still goes to Taco Bell wherever we happen to be living at the time for lunch or dinner and take selfies in his honor that we send to each other - it's a silly little tradition but he really loved Taco Bell, so we do it.

Valentines day isn't special for me. H doesn't get me anything: no flowers, no jewelry, no chocolates. All we do is say Happy Valentines to eachother. Maybe he'll let me buy some Sees candy for myself? Doubt it.

I still want to get my hair cut. I'm so tempted to get it cut shorter this time - I don't know if that's just because I need a change, or to spite h, because he doesn't like it short. So I'm not doing anything yet. It's hard accepting that I can sometimes be a b@#$% but I am coming to terms with it.

I feel so sad this evening. I think I'll take a hot shower and just go to bed and bypass the wine tonight. I don't need to get more down that I already am. Night couchies.

In today’s Annals of Academic Ableism:

I had a Zoom meeting scheduled this afternoon, about half a dozen faculty, with my chair. One of the other faculty suddenly asked if it could be in-person, only a couple hours before. The chair’s assistant, whom she cc’d, immediately said, “of course! Or we can do hybrid if people are at home today.”

I wrote back and said I can’t come in today, and I can’t hear on hybrid, if I’m to participate, it has to be on Zoom. (And the chair’s assistant, since she has a role in implementing my accommodations, knows that my accommodations state that any hybrid meetings must have a captioned—and no one is going to find a captioned with three hours’ warning.)

To this the chair’s assistant responds that we can stay on Zoom if everyone else agrees.

So, what? The inclusion of someone with a disability must be put to a vote, and a unanimous one at that?

I hope you enlightened her. Kind of a microaggression.

“If everyone else agrees”? Nice. Why do they have to agree? How rude.

I don’t have hearing problem but I cannot hear what’s going on in hybrid meetings. When I had covid there’s one important meeting that I wanted to attend, obviously from home. Other people were in person except the one that let me join in goggle meet. I barely knew what was happening!!!! But that was my choice and not a disability issues. I’d be livid in your situation

Stuff like this makes me mad.

Eh. I guess it was kind of a mistake to text T yesterday afternoon. Or maybe not a mistake, but I didn't get the connection that I was looking for. Maybe I wasn't specific? I'm not sure. I said I was only wanting connection, not that I was in crisis. She did text back, ignoring everything I wrote, and replied with "Love you too" which is nice but not helpful. Not sure exactly what I need now so.....

My sister's wedding is stressing me out.

Art if you want to cut your hair short do it even if H doesn't like it. My favourite salon does consultations and the stylist will sit and talk to you about what suits your skin tone the best if you're going to colour and styles too.

I pay for a blow dry for my sister with him every 2 weeks or sometimes just once a month, as it's so good for her self esteem. So I hope you do go.

I need to trim mine this afternoon. Right now i have an 8th grade luna vibe!

My sister's wedding is stressing me out too. Too much to consider. Trying to help her dress shop online. Yikes. Dresses are expensive. I bought my maid of honor dress. Hope it fits and looks good. I got it on Amazon but it was like $60. Wedding dresses are like $500 to $2000. Yikes. I found a few dresses on Amazon for her that were not so much (since this is her second wedding she doesn't know if she wants an actual wedding dress or just a nice dress) then we were looking at David's Bridal. My Dad heard of a FB group where people offer up their used dresses. Then you wear it. Then you offer it up. So IDK if she will look into that. If I ever get married there is no way I am spending more than $500 on a dress and even then I'd have to really love it. I mean you wear it all of one night?! Plus there are so many other things to consider. Sigh. It's stressful.

I trimmed my bangs the other day. They are a little uneven and a little short but oh well. They grow so fast anyway. I didn't feel like going to the salon just for that.

I got mad at my hair once when I was a teenager and cut a big chunk of it out. After that was when I got my first really short haircut. I've been a mess for a long time, ain't nothin' new.