Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVI

MuddyBoots · Oct 26, 2023, 01:18 PM

T, you were nice to me giving me a ride home from the crisis center, so was I only perceiving you to be a total hellcat to me because I was being a totally reckless turd seemingly wasting both of our times when you have more important things to be doing and I had to take some time to myself to destruct for a bit?

Want to talk about how I've been crying or screaming on walks lately tomorrow because every car is the police coming to get me or because someone drives by smoking weed and it makes me think of my dad and then I think of my childhood and then I think of how I told my parents about what the neighbor was doing to me every day but they didn't do shyt so it continued for years. Gotta remember that and not totally shutdown.
By the way I found out my phone has this cool feature where if you scream and run with it, it asks you if you want to call 911 when you check it.

Elio · Oct 27, 2023, 08:48 AM

4 wks. I still don't have those results so technically my "update" would be premature. I will have an update on Tuesday so I can contact you then. Did you purposely use the words you used to give me some blackness to the grey I am in or to try to keep me from contacting you because you knew I'd take them literally? I am so mad at you and your whole profession. But, I did restart some of my meds even though there were many days I thought long and hard about not restarting them. (for PC crowd, had to go off of meds because of medical tests/procedures).

Lemoncake · Oct 27, 2023, 03:12 PM

Back to being happy again despite it all, now that my hormones have calmed down.

Current conflict

Possible trigger:

I’ve being supporting my Jewish friend who I’ve known for almost 10 years now for the past two weeks. Spoken to her more than I usually do In two months. Just listening and validating what’s she been feeling.

I’ve never seen her cry, not once in all the time I’ve known her. She was also upset over other people blocking her and her other two best friends ( who also used to be my old best friends) not even messaging her either.

I’ve tried to be a neutral space, but I feel like a fraud because my thoughts are different to hers. I do feel like she would stop talking to me if I publicly shared a charity link for aid, because it would be seen as me “picking a side”. So I did it anyway, but hid it from her. Visible to close friends only.

It is a privilege to be able to just close the app and turn off the laptop. To ignore the horrors unfolding because it doesn’t affect me directly.

I want to do more than just donate. I did look up how I could help, but the main UK charity said they want 5 full years of clinical experience which I don’t have yet.

Why do I feel bad about this dual role? You said it was actions, not thoughts that counted.

I do wish so could discuss this with you. You were always good with dreams.

ArtieTheSequal · Oct 27, 2023, 03:37 PM

Well, since I didn't cancel on you, I guess we'll see how today goes... see you in a little less than an hour...

MuddyBoots · Oct 27, 2023, 04:05 PM

I don't have scabies lol.
I guess I'm just frustrated because I've figured out how to survive in my own way, and you guys are trying to teach me how to survive better, but I want to skip to how to thrive. Fck surviving better, that's boring. Surviving chaotically is fun. Thriving is fun. Surviving without feeling like I'm the best me I can be sounds like...like inpatient. You're safe, yeah, but it's boring as fck, you can't do anything "fun" good or bad, you feel like you have to be a slave to staying safe. At least that's what it seems like what you guys want me to be. A slave to safety. That's just not me and it never will be. You're talking to the kid that had like 3 concussions because helmets don't work, but speed is more rewarding than safety.
Hopefully we'll have a legitimate appointment next week!!!

ScarletPimpernel · Oct 27, 2023, 05:35 PM

1.5 weeks and 4 sessions

ScarletPimpernel · Oct 27, 2023, 05:39 PM

G - I'm finding you intriguing. Like I'm interested in knowing more about you. I want to know what you've gain from feminism. I want to know your perspective on masculinity. You're like an interesting experiment for me.

Mountaindewed · Oct 27, 2023, 06:09 PM

I guess I should have responded to your email yesterday about cancelling. My mom said you emailed her too. I wasn't trying to be rude. You said you would get back to me as soon as possible with another time, so I thought that meant you didn't need a response. Sorry.

ArtieTheSequal · Oct 27, 2023, 06:26 PM

Hey L. Good talk today. I enjoyed laughing with you again. Been awhile.

LonesomeTonight · Oct 27, 2023, 07:18 PM

Dear T,

Wish i could talk to you before Monday about what just happened with D. Because it's really stressing me out.

Possible trigger:

This is two nights in a row where she was doing something stupid and got injured.. Very minor injuries, but still--they could have been much worse with the climbing. And then earlier tonight, she was climbing up on the banister--I probably hurt myself a bit getting her down (we'll see how I feel tomorrow). Had she done that and slipped, the way our house is, it could have been catastrophic.

We can keep her out of the basement, but I don't know how to otherwise keep her safe in terms of railings aside from either moving to a different house or making her stay in our presence except when she's sleeping and supervising her walking to the bathroom (including if in the middle of the night). I'm hoping this is impulsiveness from the ADHD and that giving her a late afternoon dose of her med will help. Or maybe we need some other medication. It just seems to have escalated in the past week or two. I'd email her pdoc, but she like never gets back to us, so I'll just call on Monday for an appointment.

I may end up emailing you before Monday, we'll see. Will try to just wait. I mean, I managed OK last Friday after a difficult discussion with H. I can do that again, though this is a very different sort of thing. I'm kind of scared...

Love,
LT

Lemoncake · Oct 28, 2023, 02:52 AM

LT just an alternative but maybe you could take her to a rock climbing wall if you have one in your area. Teach her about safe places to climb.

I’ve also seen balance boards and gymnastic rings at home for kids so she can rock and get excess movement out?

A few companies also do Indoor climbing furniture.

LonesomeTonight · Oct 28, 2023, 06:06 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lemoncake

LT just an alternative but maybe you could take her to a rock climbing wall if you have one in your area. Teach her about safe places to climb.

I’ve also seen balance boards and gymnastic rings at home for kids so she can rock and get excess movement out?

A few companies also do Indoor climbing furniture.

Thanks, Lemon. Dr. T actually suggested a rock climbing place recently--apparently, his son was also into that sort of thing at one point. There are a couple indoor ones near us and an outdoor one, but I know my H is concerned about Covid right now for indoor places. But maybe we try having her go anyway? Coincidentally, she's going on a field trip with school to the outside on in a couple weeks, so we'll see if she likes that.

Not sure if we'd have room for indoor climbing furniture, as our basement is pretty small (townhouse), but it's worth checking into. Especially if we got rid of one of the unsafe things she's climbing on!

We actually have a trampoline and gymnastic rings in our basement that she uses, too, so those were good thoughts! She just has a lot of energy to get out... She used to do gymnastics, but it doesn't seem like any of the places have weekend options for classes for her age group and skill level (not high!). But we may need to check again, in case that changed. Or consider something after school.

LostOnTheTrail · Oct 28, 2023, 03:38 PM

Today marks four years since I responded to Steve's request for someone to do a quick edit of the introduction to his book.

It was the first time I'd been paid for my skills outside of my work.

When I realised he'd paid me too much, I emailed him straight back.

He asked that I consider it a tip - 'A little extra for a job well done.'

Those memories burn just as much as anything else now.

Mountaindewed · Oct 29, 2023, 10:45 AM

I'm sorry if you get annoyed that I didn't email you about yesterday. I've just been busy with all this family and painter stuff. I'll tell you about it tommorow during our session.

MuddyBoots · Oct 29, 2023, 01:16 PM

J,
tomorrow I'm gonna look like someone ran over me on a bike ride you recommended I go on and then dragged me in the woods and left me there for a week, but then let me shower and get dressed (hopefully??). As "clear-headed" as you were surprised by last week? Not sure about that one, but I think so. You'll be happy to hear that a few things that normally would trigger rage in me did not cause me to scream, punch walls, swear at innocent people, or start fights with anyone. There was some yelling and cussing over the past week, but there's definitely been a lot of progress. I feel hope despite everything that's going on in my head, my body, and my environment.

Mountaindewed · Oct 29, 2023, 04:12 PM

That picture of you 100 pounds less and glareing sideways looking pissed is honestly a bit hot.

ArtieTheSequal · Oct 29, 2023, 05:07 PM

I kinda wanna talk again about why the f I can't just full.stop seeing you.

Ok Artie what are you learning in this assertiveness class, stop with the damn qualifiers. Let's try that again: I want to talk again about about why I can't just full.stop seeing you.

Lemoncake · Oct 30, 2023, 03:48 PM

102 days without you.

I still do feel like I want a session with you. You have slots on the 5th of November.

Wonder if you would cancel it if I did book online.

LostOnTheTrail · Oct 30, 2023, 03:48 PM

I am so effing tired of being brave.

Mountaindewed · Oct 30, 2023, 05:08 PM

You commented on everything I was wearing today. It was a compliment, but you do observe while I feel like its rude to look at you besides your face and I don't even pay attention to what you wear.

LostOnTheTrail · Oct 31, 2023, 03:03 PM

Thank God for colleagues who care. I was strongly impacted by a participant's piece of writing at work today. It mentioned both of my current major triggers.

My colleague checked in via email and text, and offered a phone call if I wanted.

I gratefully accepted.

Everything crossed that we can meet properly on Thursday.

ArtieTheSequal · Oct 31, 2023, 03:11 PM

Thanks L for verifying... I completely, totally, could not remember if we did or not. Does anxiety kill brain cells? I mean I quit drinking in June, so it's not alcohol doing it....

Mountaindewed · Oct 31, 2023, 03:14 PM

My mom said you seemed more "put together" then you have been lately. So why is it ok for you but not for me?

Lemoncake · Oct 31, 2023, 03:36 PM

Why was I the one worth leaving?

Possible trigger:

In this moment my heart currently hurts. I spent way too much time on Twitter today than I should have.

It's bringing up feelings of being unsafe and helpless, because there is nothing I can do.

MuddyBoots · Oct 31, 2023, 04:49 PM

Why does on-call never call me back even if I call them and leave 5 messages in 2 hours? Do they hate me too even though half of them don't know me?

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Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVI

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