When the transference is overwhelming

Okay here's my rant du jour.

How the heck can you trust a T upon whom you transfer all the confusion and fear you bottled up as defenseless child? If the working through is supposed to include this transference then how are you supposed to trust again, even if you know it is transference and you are projecting?

When T does something IRL that is NOT a projection and I respond AS IF i were the defenseless child, then it is a transference. BUT he still really did the crappy %#@&#! or say the crappy things IRL. So, today I think that therapy is a bunch of crap.

I will never tell him anything again. There was a reason I put all this stuff away. It is toxic to me and those around me.

T says it is the pain of abandonment but what I want to know is wasn't once around enough? Why go through this twice?

I completely understand what you mean

I suppose it depends on just how crappy the things the T says and/or does are .. and how they resonate and hurt us because of our history of abuse.... whether they destroy our trust or not.

I couild and would say more if I didn't have trust issues (sigh)

((((( sister )))))

Sister, sorry you're having so much trouble with your T.

I try to look at the overall picture, the overall relationship. When my T said something ugly to me, it was "out of character" for her and the relationship. I didn't deny she said it but I had to look at it and see if there wasn't some valid reason she said it. Took me an entire week but then I realized it was a warning rather than a put-down. She cared and was trying to show my previous patterns were dangerous and to "watch out!" for them so I wouldn't keep repeating them, making them stronger. If I'd been further along in my therapy I could maybe have stopped her right there and discussed my reaction and gotten to her reasons for what she said instead of my paying attention to what I heard in my self and thought it meant.

(((((((((((Sister))))))))))))),
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BUT he still really did the crappy %#@&#! or say the crappy things IRL. So, today I think that therapy is a bunch of crap.

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I know what you mean! I've asked my T about this and he always says that he is human and says/does some "bone-headed" things and will probably do this in the future. I guess he is trying to say that this happens in relationships IRL but that people without abandonment issues are able to look past the bad things that were said/done and move on. I am not able to do this either, though. My feelings run too deep and it takes me a long time to get over things.

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T says it is the pain of abandonment but what I want to know is wasn't once around enough? Why go through this twice?

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OMG, Sister. I've just totally figured out that my devastating feelings are the pain of abandonment. Don't they seem unbearable at times? Is it any wonder why we can't move past things? Why can't people understand this? It is so frustrating. I am so sorry to hear that you, or anyone else, has such intense emotions as I do. I wouldn't wish them on my worst enemy. I don't know the answer to why go through this twice. I'm in so much pain now that I know I can't just do nothing, so I'm hoping therapy will rid me of these emotions sooner or later. I hope the same for you.

Perna

I think you did what you were supposed to. Stay where YOU are....

His %#@&#! is his %#@&#!

Thanks.

I don't hate him I just am having a lot of trouble trusting him now.

Once you transfer these feelings and such onto the therapist, and the therapist continues to show you trusting attitude, understanding and safe unconditional love, then you begin to work through those feelings about the other(s.)

It's important for the T to not take things personally nor be reactive (counter transference.) But that's part of a T's training, and shouldn't be any patient's worry.

((((hugs))))

*shouldn't* be - but often IS.

Sister - i gotta say, I love seeing the Shera icon =)

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Fuzzybear said:

I suppose it depends on just how crappy the things the T says and/or does are .. and how they resonate and hurt us because of our history of abuse.... whether they destroy our trust or not.

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I agree with Fuzzy here. It really depends on the severity of what the T says/does. There are going to be mistakes, there are going to be countransferences that DO come into the session. The question is whether or not trust can be regained, and to what capacity. Again, it has to be treated less an an extreme and more as a development. Not that trust "comes back" but it develops, as it always has in the relationship. Perhaps think of it as a thermometer-- trust may have been increasing in degree, but then something happens-- so it drops a bit-- or maybe a lot-- but that doesn't mean it can't go back up again.

sister, I'm sorry the transference is so painful and overwhelming right now.

Maybe this is a dumb suggestion, but how about if you and your T go for a short walk outside of the office? Just 10 minutes, around the block? Maybe this will jerk your T back into being your T for you and help you get out from under the transference for a while. It sounds like you need a rest. It really helped me this one time T and I walked together outside his office. I saw him as just a guy then, walking beside me, and who could exist many places, not just in his office, in his bizarre T role. And now I see him occasionally outside for my legal meetings. For me, it really helps ground the relationship and pull it back into everyday life in the here and now.

As we trust T's with our past stuff and they successfully show us they are trustworthy and can hold our pain, we lose some of that pain from our past. But they have to prove themselves to be trustworthy. It sounds like recently you have trusted your T, but he has responded in a crappy way, and so your trust has been breached. Can you talk with him about his responses and why you perceived them to be crappy?

It's not always easy for me, but I try to accept my T as human, and humans are not perfect and make mistakes. Whenever things aren't perfect between us, I try to remember what he told me about a good enough therapist (mother) only having to connect with the client (child) 1/3 of the time (from Winnicott). 1/3 of the rest is rupture then repair. The remaining 1/3 is rupture without repair. This is good enough. Whenever we don't connect, I just chalk it up to not being in the optimal third that day. But we weather it. If it's serious enough, we repair. If it's not so serious, we can let the rupture be, and try again another day.

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T says it is the pain of abandonment but what I want to know is wasn't once around enough? Why go through this twice?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">My T says I repeat the same patterns from my past in an unconscious attempt to finally get things right. That is why I seek out these unloving relationships, to try to surmount them in the way I could not as a helpless child. So for me, it isn't just twice I go through things, but umpteen times, never conquering the pattern. Now I am working my buns off trying once and for all to be done with this. I am gonna do it right this time (resolve the unloving relationship with my husband) and put all this to rest once and for all.

Isn't that a good goal to work toward? Go through it one last time, but do it right, and then be done with it. It may be painful, but you'll be free of it on the other side.

OMG PINKSOIL,

YOUR AVATAR--IS THAT A GOAT OR A COW?



Thanks all for your thoughts. I think I'm sorta where Fuzzy and Pink are.

It is the trust that is now missing because of his foot in mouth disease.

Kiya said: </font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
*shouldn't* be - but often IS.

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Yeah, exactly!!

Sky is right, counter transference shouldn't be the clients concern but it does occur and winds up in our laps. I guess we just have to give it right back from whence it came?

Sunny,

Thanks for your thoughtful response. T and I are not the going out for a walk type of couple! We are strictly sit in the therapy room types.... I would feel uncomfortable because to me, it would not feel professional, and in fact, he is so much taller than me it would be a walking mismatch

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Isn't that a good goal to work toward? Go through it one last time, but do it right, and then be done with it. It may be painful, but you'll be free of it on the other side.

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I surely mis-stated when I groused about going through it twice. In fact, you are exactly right that we repeat these patterns over and over. But as far as the goal is concerned here is how I like to think of it:

We work through these relational patterns in therapy so we can become aware of them and then integrate them into our experiences rather than look at them as anomalies or negativities. I don't think we ever get rid of them. I would love to get rid of them but have come to accept that they are part of me, like it or not. It's sort like accepting ourselves, warts and all. Then, I can begin to love myself.

Peace all

T's definitely contribute to the therapeutic relationship and sometimes we are reacting to their mishandling us in some way.

The trick for me is to accept that my T is human and makes mistakes sometimes. Lately he has said something like "I mishandled that or I could've explained it better this way".

If you have a T that will not adjust for you and admit he could've handled something better (some egos are just that huge) then call him on it.

You might say something like 'well, I realize that we are in a transference cycle but I really feel XYZ and don't believe that was one of my contributions to this process?

Tell him you would be willing to discuss his contributions too and that you feel it would be helpful. I've told my T that I like when he tells me how I affect him because it helps.

If you find that your T is responding to you similarly than those in your life, now is your chance to face that head on and have him respond in a kind way.

My T has told me before when he is having countertransference, although he doesn't use that word. It is helpful to me that he "owns" his reactions and says so. It makes what is happening more comprehensible to me and I think it also helps him get his own responses under control. The countertransference doesn't even have to be "mishandling," but just "is." It exists in the room, let's acknowledge it so we're all aware of what is happening here. I know my T wanted to at times give me the advice to drop kick my H across the room and bolt from the marriage and run like hell, based on his own experience of his own (past) marriage (we have some similarities). It was to his credit that he controlled that and just let me and my marriage be and find our own path and didn't give advice based on his personal experience. He would always acknowledge to me when he was struggling to hold back, so I knew what was going on.

As almedafan wrote, a big ego can get in the way of the T being able to acknowledge countertransference.