feelings for T waxing and waning

so here's the dealio. T cancelled our session on wednesday cause she was sick. ok, understandable. disappointing, but understandable. Her message said, and i quote, "i'll give you a call within the next day or so to reschedule for later in the week, or we might just have to touch base by phone." first off, when she said the second part, i knew for a fact that she wasn't planning on fitting me in the end of the week. not only did she NOT touch base by phone, but mondays are our "usual" days and she has not touched base with me to make our usual appt. Now maybe she is just assuming i'm going to come, no. she isn't because even though its our usual day things can still come up and we need to at least connect with each other and make sure we are both good for our usual day. she could still be too sick for all i know. WHAT THE HECK! so i plan on not calling her. chances are she calls me tomorrow from the office while im in school seeing if i can come in after school. i feel like not even getting back to her. screw it. i'm sick of her not making any effort whatsoever. i don't know when i'll eventually call her back, but its not going to be right away thats for sure. and its not like im skipping sessions because THEY ARENT EVEN SCHEDULED! last week i cried at the thought of leaving T and right now im so mad i could stay away for months. i hate this waxing and waning.

((Krazibean)) Hopefully she will call you in the morning.

Krazibean, you're just making yourself krazi :-) with all the jockying for who calls whom and when's the appointment. Save that for your sessions. If she hasn't called you by when you expect, call her and ask how she is and if your usual schedule is still on. You're working too hard getting more from therapy outside the sessions than in. That can't work. The point is to get into a session and work on your issues with another person. If you don't talk to your T she can't know what you're thinking and feeling. Being angry at her when she isn't part of the equation, isn't in the discussion with you, just burns holes in yourself. Call her, set up an appointment, go, and lambast her there for not calling when she said she would/when you expected if you think it will help. Tell her to her face you're tired of her jerking you around and she's fired.

T ended up calling and left a message saying she had me in for our usual time. What perna said makes sense but I don't know if I could do it. I get really shy and I wouldn't be able to sufficiently tell her how angry I am and I might end up just saying "oh that's okay I don't mind" even if I still feel hurt. If I go in there and tell her I'm angry she didn't call and then she defends herself with a reasonable excuse that she was realllly sick, I'll just feel dumb and dismiss my anger. What do you think should I go today like usual or should i skip.

I'm mostly all talk too; would be anxious telling my T I'm angry at her (or that I thought she'd done something "wrong").

But krazibean, you are the only expert on you. If what your T says or does is in any way not good for you, you have to actively tell her, with the natural authority you have from just being you, that you don't like or accept what she's said or done. Otherwise, you are tacitly agreeing with her treatment. It is only by making our views known and discussing things that others can get to know us and us, them."