Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVII

I have this strange feeling that you are enough.

I didn't really think that therapist I worked with was as horrible as you guys said she was. I know she said some pretty off color remarks to me about my appearance and then just left me hanging at the end. She did somewhat help in some ways though like lowering my copay and calling poison control for me and talking me through it instead of sending me IP. But to say she has absolutly no business being a therapist is kinda harsh. Idk. Maybe she did way worse to other people. But I don't really hold a grudge.

Dear T,
Sad I won't be able to see you in person tomorrow, but with the flu running around my house, I can't risk it. Hope I can at least see you in person Friday, if nothing else.

I hope you've thought about the handshake question, but I also worry if the answer is "no," that it will be especially hard for me if it's over the computer. Because then there wouldn't be the normal session-ending handshake for nonverbal reassurance. Part of me wants to say to wait to tell me until we're in person, but what if that's not until Friday? But then I'm also afraid I'll ask about it, and you'll say, "Oh, I haven't had a chance to think about it." Which I could understand, but still... I guess I don't know what all there is to think about? I don't even know that I'd ever even actually ask for it. Maybe it would help if I told you that... How I just want to know if it's an option, should I want that one session.

I also wanted to talk about a thing with H, but I imagine he'll be sitting right downstairs with his door open, because D is staying home tomorrow. I guess I could type it in Zoom and wear headphones, but that feels awkward. Maybe we can just talk about writing, as I watched the intro to my upcoming course.

Love,
LT

Dear T,

I admit it does bother me a bit that you didn't think about it--but at least you were honest, I guess? I don't call it lying though, like I said. I'm glad you gave a "qualified yes." I really don't get what's so weird about the logistics? You tend to be very hung up on those. Can't we just make it work? If it's a little awkward, OK. A lot of things are.

Also, it sucks that you'll likely be away over Spring Break, but I'm glad you'll still be meeting with clients virtually. From what you said, I think you're just going to be staying elsewhere to focus on your research article. I wish I could offer up my copy-editing services to you, but of course that's a dual relationship. (But wish I could exchange those for session fees!)

But that combined with today, possibly Wed. virtual, plus at least one virtual session when I'm at the beach (and likely only one in-person session that week), I guess I won't be spending much time in your office this month. Just worried I'll feel all disconnected again. It also felt like you were trying to get rid of me precisely at the 50-minute mark today. Maybe you had to pee or something.

Which reminds me, good to know that bathroom is still an option mid-session if needed.

Love,
LT

I'd hate to think that Dr. T is so tyrannical that he'd prevent you from using the bathroom if required.

I hope you're able to maintain some sense of connection.

Thanks, Lost. To clarify, it's a bathroom in his office suite that I think is meant for the other clinicians. There's also a public one in the building, in the main hallway, but I'd have to go through the waiting room, past the elevator, and across the hallway, and *then* he'd have to let me back into the office suite (there's a locking door between the waiting room and offices for security). So if I was really upset, I might have to walk past people in the waiting room twice, plus take up a chunk of time.

He let me use the office suite one on a recent Sunday (had an earlier session) to splash water on my face when i was really upset because no one else was there (he said it was fine because of that). He said today that it's OK in emergencies. And generally midsession. But if it's between 15 minutes till and the hour, clinicians will probably need to be using it, as it would be between sessions. I guess I need to time my panic or bathroom need for that?

Dear T,

You probably wish I just wouldn't see you for the rest of the month so you could just get your work done. I'm just an obstacle on your path to fame with your preferred psychological subject. I want to email you about it, but it would just eat up more of your time, and you'd probably be all "oops, sorry, didn't have time to reply."

And now H is annoyed with me and again gave me the "would you let me finish?"

J's probably gone, too. And like you said, i should wait a week to check in.

D didn't even want me to walk down the stairs past her room because she didn't want to have to look at me. (I mean, she's sick, but honestly, this is more a sign she's getting back to her normal, mom-hating self.)

At least I have the one friend who still wants to talk to me--for now, at least. She'll probably be tired of me soon, too. And a few people on here (who I think of as friends, too.)

Wish I could go to the beach tomorrow and stay for a month to recharge. Then, maybe I could come back a relaxed person who is a more tolerable spouse, parent, friend, and client.

Love,
LT

You're allowed to take time off, and yet I wish there wasn't such a relationship between you taking time off and me going through something frigging ridiculous that I can't really talk to anyone else about.

Ten more sleeps...

You can talk to us here, Lost. Feel free to PM me.

today i am a little bit missing what we used to be, in the before.

but, it's okay. it was going to have to come to this eventually, you know. I should never have come back. Let's hope I learned my lesson this time.

You know I say that the Universe has a sense of humour?

After today, that's definitely true.

E is also on holiday...so I bumbled through a conversation with somebody else, who then added a call with me to E's calendar for when she returns to work.

It's gonna be quite a session when you get back.

“At least TRY to stay out of trouble” lmao you’re so funny.

Every little thing I do, I do it for you.

hugs, lemoncake.

I'm kinda depressed about next week. If I don't make it I don't care. If I dont make it in general I mean.

If y’all don’t help me with housing I’m gonna pitch a tent in my case manager front yard 🤣

Dear Dr. S, you should have stayed. I needed you to stay. I strongly believe it would have been one of the best things for me. Not easy, as I know you couldn't/can't give me what I want. That is a big part of why I needed you to stay. That experience - how we worked through all of that. How I got to acceptance and all that stuff. You know if you do come back and we meet, I will need you to make a specific promise to me; that I don't think you will make.

Dear T,

Your email reply this morning really did mean a lot to me. So thank you for that. And now I have it that I can look at when I'm doubting whether you want to be working with me. Particularly "your wellbeing and happiness are very important to me" and "I am glad that you continue to work with me." I didn't really take all that in when I read it this morning because I'd been bracing myself for a dissatisfying reply and in part because D and H were around. I'm glad I continue to work with you, too.

Love,
LT

PS: It's "oversight." Not "oversite."

You are really good. I am not used to it. I mean, really good. It is so rare for me to value someone else's ability, it's actually really nice to have a sense of someone else being capable. I wonder if this is the start of me working beyond my dismissiveness.

I cried today because I was exhausted. Not sleeping properly over the past 2 weeks is making me ill. I’ve never had migraines before.

At least I’m not trapped in my depression anymore though.

I don't really care that you didn't email me this week. But you did tell me to. So I kinda expected a reply. But this past week wasn't anything I couldn't deal with on my own. If you switch to virtual again its ok with me but my mom will be pissed.

I haven't gotten a confirmation about our appointment either way. I'm sick too though.

Your holiday opened up an opportunity for me to attend an online Introduction to Grief Tending event.

The woman who ran it has trained with people that I have only read...and it encourages me that there are people doing this work in the UK.

I didn't expect an eight minute meditation to make me cry, though.

I'm clearly still dealing with the layers.

Technically I could sleep until I have to leave for our session. I have a few hours

That was an emotional session for some reason. running on 5 hours of sleep and needing to piss like a racehorse the entire time wasn't helpful though. But I wasn't being quiet because I needed to eat. We talked about stuff thats been on my mind a lot.

But when I mentioned pickle flavored cashews and you said thats good protein I kinda wanted to tell you to shut it.

Through our work, I have really come to appreciate the mind-body connection in a way I didn't previously.

That said, right now intentional breathing is only doing so much.

Six more sleeps, and I'm definitely going to ask you to be closer when we meet again.