Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVII

Yes, Muddy...this is the way.

May I make peace with the level of support I need during this time, and never take what is freely given for granted.

Don't be mad or worried. Let me go. I don't need or want your help. Want to ghost the world.

There is nothing worse for me than being a source of capital c Concern.

Dear T,

Thanks for being open to talking more about the move (though you did try to veer away from it at one point). I do think maybe your talking about killing the palm tree today triggered some of the sadness. Not because I have a particular attachment to that tree, but because it's another thing going away.

I think we came up with some good stuff together on why this is so distressing to me, aside from the obvious dislike of change and attachment to places. Your thought on how this is probably the first time I'm losing a "space" since my termination with ex-MC. Yeah, there have been restaurants that I've lost (thought of that on the way home), but in terms of safe spaces, his was probably the most recent--and that was 6 years ago. Losing his first office would be the other most recent one, and that's like 7-8 years ago.

And your comment that we've worked through ruptures and conflicts in this office, and maybe I fear that the same energy won't be there in the new one to do so. Or at least that we won't have that history there. That rang true as well. Lots to think about. And not all literally about you/your office either.

Love,
LT

Right now I feel like I can make it in person tommorow. Earlier I almost emailed you and asked if we could switch to virtual. But I sat with my feelings or pushed through them or some dumb *** thing I learned in IOP that I'm not quite sure applies to this situation.

Dear T,

Also, I tried showing empathy to H about the work badge thing, and he acted like I was crazy. (Like saying, "I'm sorry--I should have been more supportive this morning when you were complaining about having to show the badge.") So, uh, apparently, it wasn't about that! I did finally admit it was something you suggested, as he was reacting like I'd lost my mind.

(And I admit it did bother me a bit that it felt like you were sort of siding with him at the start of session. I mean, seriously, it was about wearing a lanyard for a few hours a week...I thought you'd agree he was being a bit over the top, but maybe it was like, male/husband solidarity or something).

Love,
LT

Dear T,

You really suck at your job and I am done. You're fired!

Me being sick and not able to make it in person is like in 2020 when I wanted my transference T back in person real bad.

I know how much you want to see me. I'm trying.

Hi R,

I really didn't like how rushed today's session felt.
When you said you needed to cut it short, I couldn't shake the sense of you having started a timer.

Rationally, I know that wasn't the case, but it still sucked.

Anyway, thank you for the reminder that concern can come from connection.

Let the pre-anniversary bracing begin.

Lost

I have a feeling I’m going to fall out with my oldest best friend soon.

I just feel like our opposing views are making us grow apart.

How did you read that word, with all its letters written jumbled up on the page of writing like that. That was the only way I could make myself write it. You weren't supposed to be able to read it.

Glad you liked the horny/suicidal cosine wave from me. I know my CM gave it to you, and I love how you saw it and said "that is definitely something Sam would show us." Glad you know the leader of myselves so well

So glad you did the right thing so far and have never taken my SI, "attempts," or reckless behavior and self-neglect from passive suicidality seriously.

I know how you can help me. Be my sober drinking buddy and make sure to cut me off before I call the Boston Police Department and ask them who their favorite person is and what frantic efforts to avoid abandonment are you doing to subconsciously push them away? (Boston Police Department? BPD? Get it?) You get a gold star and a hug if you'll be my trip sitter. Look like a God to me? Talk to my old IOP MD and tell him he needs to be my masochistic ***'s sadist for important therapeutic purposes. I will literally start a religion that worships you if you tell me I'm a stupid fking ***** that should be buried alive after being held captive by hundreds of venomous spiders because I'm a useless POS who just serves to spread blood born infections. That would probably make me so happy my blood would turn into glitter and my poop would be a more effective antidepressant than prozac.

See, you understand me. I think you're the only one. But you don't seem to judge amoral, destructive, or illegal behavior. You just ask me if I want to take a different approach to therapy. Yes. Invalidate me in every way and tell me if I don't make better choices you're going to make me make up the next treatment plan. I'll do better then.

I'm pretty sure you schedule sessions with YOUR therapist right after your shift you see me during

I think I smoothed things over with G.

It turns out your sense of things was absolutely correct.

T: Do you schedule appointments with your therapist after your shift on the days you work with me? haha jk I know I'm your favorite My tangents have been a little ridiculous lately, so do a good job at refocusing me so I don't walk out saying "I just spent almost an hour talking without letting her have a word in, and started talking about having more control over my drinking than anyone else has led me to believe and ended up talking about a pizza that costs like $100000000 because of the fancy mushrooms on it. That was not productive."

CM: Pleeaaaase help me get in with a doc and let me become my own rep payee.

The premise of this song is that it's made up of lies.

It's a clever way to write a song.

'I will always feel this way
I will never leave your side
I won't lose myself to fear
Or lose you to your pride...'

It's a perfect soundtrack for a tender time.

Dear T,

Well, I'm certainly glad I didn't use up some of our session time to call my mom over *that*! (I was wondering when I left if I would have regretted not taking you up on that.) I mean, it wasn't nothing at all, but it wasn't the life or death (or serious illness) sort of thing I was worried about. You're probably half-expecting an extra session request or an email from me, but I can just fill you in Wed.

Love,
LT

I'm very surprised about how quickly I've developed feelings towards you. I thought you'd just be a useful stranger to me for much longer.

CM: Shyyyyt I was not expecting 5 beers to make me this drunk. Things gonna be interesting if you actually meet me. Doubt it. You only come to unscheduled meetings when you're not wanted and it takes every ounce of energy for me to not make you press that emergency button on your work phone. Fking hate you. When are you going to cal???

Eta: okay, so at peak wasted-ness you come by somehow just correctly assuming I'm here without calling. Nice. Like how you knew I wasn't straight, but thought I had overdosed on conerta or took meth or somet shyt.

I know I've mentioned this before but do you ever think of the part of the song that goes

"Some men you just can't save"

And think of me?

I have started to feel things about you and that's a worry. No wonder I am telling you to £uck off. I must find a better way to be appealing to the people I want to be close.

J: Out of any fking substance, out of any substance I have abused in the past, you choose the one that was the least of my problematic use that was still problematic.

Mania+downers=looks like I did uppers?

TJ: I know we're supposed to learn distress tolerance skills tomorrow, but I feel like mine are already adequate. I tolerate distress quite well...I just don't like to do it the boring way.

Ah L. It feels weird to call you "ex-T" because you'll always be T to me. And I no longer want you to be anything else. I caught myself in another of those complexes you were always on about, and deleted my previous post when I realized it was a stupid complex driving those thoughts and not reality. All is well. I'm not angry. And because of the work we did, also thanks to Edgar Allan Poe's darker poetry, I've been learning how to partner with my shadow instead of fighting those parts to create my own poems inspired by his. It's interesting. I started out just googling his poems but ended up buying a hard copy. Easier for me to reference an actual book while I'm writing. For now anyway, writing every day is all the therapy I need.

Dear T,
After locating the new "leave" button on Zoom (thanks for giving me a few seconds to do that instead of just leaving yourself), I nearly reflexively said, "Bye, love you" like I would when saying bye to one of my parents on the phone. So glad I stopped myself after the "bye"! (Had all the "love stuff" not happened a year and half ago, I'm sure we could have both just laughed it off, but now I suspect you'd assign more meaning to it and it would be weird.)
I can say it here:
Love you,
LT