Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVII

Dear T,

And so I am here again...

I'm not in a good place tonight. Session today was beyond anything I thought I would ever be able to do, but maybe we went too far. Maybe we crossed the line of safety, especially with you now on holiday, K gone and no garden therapy this week. Talking about all of that was insanely difficult, but the most difficult thing is now being left alone to handle the fallout.

I wonder if you knew how much I was crying while thinking about/talking about that stuff. You normally give me a tissue if you notice but you didn't today. Not a problem to be, but it makes me wonder if you didn't notice my silent tears as I turned away from you.

I wrote you an email, the first in a long long time. I also wrote a poem, again the first in a long long time. Things are shifting, for sure, but sometimes it feels like I'm going to be buried alive by the shifting sands, and it's not a nice feeling at all.

I just don't really know how to deal with these feelings, especially when I feel so alone with them.

Maybe I should start listening to those f*** off voices and quit trying to do this.

Thanks for being cool about the crisis being over and blaming the antibiotic like I did. I'm glad we talked about that documentary that upset me.

I don't know why I feel like writing to you here. But anyway I just wrote (and re-wrote) poem #121 since starting the year-long poem a day challenge on Jan 17. I'm not posting all of them on my poetry blog of course because some of them totally suck haha. But I am going to be reworking a bunch of them during April. Woo!

Hoping you'll acknowledge my email before we meet tomorrow.
It would be easier if I didn't have to run through the scenario from the beginning.

Actually, I am glad I saw you yesterday morning on zoom instead of seeing you tommorow in person. It makes things easier.

Also pdoc: I know you're gonna kick my butt in a few days because of the lamictal situation, but now I need to go off my valium for 3 days for a test and I don't think I can do it. But how do I bring up valium without you kicking my butt twice as hard?

I really appreciate you taking the time to reply to my message, even though we'll see one another in the morning.

I am currently in the grip of a brand-new complex who is super-duper pissed off at you and wants to post mean **** about you. I'd get drunk if I didn't have to pick up H when he drops off his car at the shop this evening. Artie is feeling like a vindictive ***** tonight.

okay so what I am, is sailing between islands named Grateful Understanding, Anger, and Apathy; still looking for the one called Acceptance. This island of Anger has a lot of fun parties going on, so I may be here for a while.

My poem for today is titled "A Cult of Two".

I should have quit seeing you YEARS ago.

Dear T,
Wish I could talk to you before Monday. I sincerely doubt that one of your three planned slots for tomorrow is available and doubt you're working Sunday (more because you were away, not so much because of Easter, but maybe?) Under normal circumstances, I'd text to ask. But I don't want to bother you if you're still working on that article. (I imagine nearly any other client would just text anyway...)

I know I could email to ask, which wouldn't bother you in the way that a text would (unless you've DNDed your phone). But you may not look at that until the morning, and then it would be very last-minute. I also don't want to send another email looking for a more substantive reply because you already replied to one this week, and I'd likely be near the $ threshold, plus you're busy, so...

This has nothing to do with today's session (well, maybe one of the topics is contributing, but not what we discussed about it) or the therapeutic relationship. Just spiraling thoughts, like, why would anyone want to stay with someone who just happens to get migraines whenever they have a fully free night together? Did I mess up by forgetting to have a second cup of coffee? Should I have just said I couldn't do that other work? Or is this shifting weather plus stress plus maybe hormones (it feels related to those, but with perimenopause, I never know when anything will be), nothing I did wrong? Well, I could probably handle stress better, but...

Maybe I'll do better once I have the house to myself for a day and a half? I guess my fear is that I won't, then I'm here alone with my thoughts.

Love,
LT

There are other layers to Easter now.
This year it isn't wrapped up in Chris' dying time for once.

TW for religious talk

Dear T,

OK, H is reacting very kindly to my having the migraine, so I feel a bit better about things. Still sort of guilty. I think I'll get through OK till Monday. If I find I'm struggling later tonight or early in the morning, maybe I ask if you have anything tomorrow. But I doubt you would, and I feel then I'd be disrupting you and feeling a small twinge of rejection (even if expected and completely understandable, it can still feel that way) for nothing. Maybe I'll try to focus on my writing instead, if I can get through this mountain of work. And I need to start working on the living room straightening, too. So plenty to keep me occupied, I suppose.

Love,
LT

8 weeks - I would really like to email you.

Y'all t's really should put in your opening paperwork that the therapeutic relationship can become very complex and challenging and is not something to be entered into lightly. You know? I mean for real.

I am still partying hardy on the Island of Anger. It seems the boat left without me, so I may just build a house here.

Sorry to butt in here... there's an open lot next to my house. Pretty good view of the ocean... nice sunsets and breeze.

Oh, and that moisture coming from my eyes is from the campfire... I'm not crying....

The tussle between faith and grief feels especially brutal this weekend.
I spent most of yesterday trying not to give in to a griefquake, which caught up with me when I went to bed.

I thought I saw smoke from your campfire. I'll bring the s'mores...

I'm not going to bother you on the Saturday before Easter, but things suck and I know you'll understand

I miss you today - I was wondering since you are not my doctor anymore, does that mean I no longer need to call you Dr. S? I could call you by your first name? Does calling you Dr. S - reinforce a role that no longer exists? Or does it really matter? I am not sure. I think words/names make a difference.

I used that coping skill this morning that other therapist called me weird for. The coping skill my transference therapist thought was amazing and was so happy I found it and told me to use it whenever I get stressed. I'm kinda nervous to tell you. But like it works as well as valium and majorly helps my sleep. I am in a good mood today now that I've started up with it again. I just don't want you to call me weird or creepy.

I will let it all go
at some point
just not
yet.

I was actually thinking about booking a one off session for the 10th of April, but my youngest sister messaged today asking if I could send her £5. Sent her the total session amount plus £20 on top instead.

Sixty nine % of this entire year done already without therapy.

Three weeks off for Easter is utterly ridiculous. I have got stuff I want to talk to you about! Important stuff! More important than you sitting about on your arse eating Easter eggs.