Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVII

LostOnTheTrail · Apr 23, 2024 at 03:34 AM

So, it's about six weeks until the anniversary.
Somehow I have to arrange two mentoring sessions with students during the shortest month of the academic year, when I don't know how I'm going to feel for the first 10 days.

Working while grieving is hard.

LonesomeTonight · Apr 24, 2024 at 12:33 PM

Dear T,

Is this your excuse to get rid of the fish I gave you? "Oops, no room for it!" Couldn't you have just said you'd find room? I know your office will be smaller and you didn't want to commit to anything, but it was hard hearing you say you weren't sure what you'd have space for when I mentioned it. And of course it was near the end of session. At least you said it was OK to bring in something tiny if it doesn't fit. Suppose I should start my search for the world's tiniest model fish, in whatever medium, so I can be ready. "OK, here is a fish painted on a grain of rice."

Love,
LT

InkyBooky · Apr 24, 2024 at 04:09 PM

Here you go, LT. Grain of Rice Painting by Hasan Kale

But seriously, that would make me sad too if my T couldn't find a place for a small item that I'd given them. Why can't he just put the little fish on a windowsill or on top of some books? It's not like it needs it's own bookshelf. Hopefully he will find a nice spot.

Does he have lots of items acquired over the years that he needs to find space for? Like, lots of client gifts and nicknacks? My T has a lot of that kind of stuff. Mostly gifts from clients I think. Their office is a bit cluttered with it, but it's cosy and I don't mind. They also do sand tray so there are a lot of sand tray figurines scattered about as well.

LonesomeTonight · Apr 24, 2024 at 05:00 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by InkyBooky

Here you go, LT. Grain of Rice Painting by Hasan Kale

But seriously, that would make me sad too if my T couldn't find a place for a small item that I'd given them. Why can't he just put the little fish on a windowsill or on top of some books? It's not like it needs it's own bookshelf. Hopefully he will find a nice spot.

Does he have lots of items acquired over the years that he needs to find space for? Like, lots of client gifts and nicknacks? My T has a lot of that kind of stuff. Mostly gifts from clients I think. Their office is a bit cluttered with it, but it's cosy and I don't mind. They also do sand tray so there are a lot of sand tray figurines scattered about as well.

Thanks, Inky! He does have a lot of items, some from clients, some not, in his office. So I understand his not being able to take them all. Or to maybe get creative in how he displays them. It's pretty cluttered, like you said your T's is. There's a really small sand tray, maybe 5" x 7" with a couple miniature animals in it (not the fish). I imagine your T's is bigger if clients actually do work in it.

It feels like if he doesn't find a spot for it, it's discarding me, in a way, even though I know it's not quite like that. I'm hoping maybe if he can't find space, he'd tell me I could take it back--maybe to keep at home as a sort of connection--and let me know how small something I'd replace it with would have to be.

Those grains of rice paintings were a thing years ago in a tourist place, like "your name on a grain of rice"--not sure they're still a thing? Though it occurred to me that if I put a grain of rice in there, it might get swept up by the cleaning crew. Maybe in a sand tray?

LonesomeTonight · Apr 24, 2024 at 06:22 PM

Dear T,

Sorry for the email, but I can't stop crying about this. Thinking of you throwing it in the trash or in a storage bin with other random junk particularly shattered me. It probably seems ridiculous to you, so I hope you can understand before we meet next. And like I said, I know this isn't just about the fish, or you--that it cuts deeply into something in me, likely tying into childhood. I hope you can get that.

Love,
LT

LonesomeTonight · Apr 25, 2024 at 08:10 AM

Dear T,

Yeah, that reply didn't help. Even Gmail knew it, as one of its suggested replies was "Ugh."

Love,
LT

Mountaindewed · 11:01 AM

I can't do anything because I already rescheduled this week. I just hope my stomach holds up for 45 minutes.

Well it held up until about 15 minutes after I posted this.

Mountaindewed · Apr 25, 2024 at 03:10 PM

I asked you something that had been bothering me that my transference T never told me and you asked how did I find out about it, and I lied and said my Pdoc told me when actually I found out from google.

Sorry for lying. But at least you were on my side that she should have told me.

Also I threw up about 3 minutes after we logged off. But I'm glad I held on during the session.

comrademoomoo · Apr 25, 2024 at 05:53 PM

You are clever, mostly. It's reassuring for me.

LostOnTheTrail · Apr 26, 2024 at 04:03 AM

Seven more sleeps.

Layers upon layers.

It all bloody happens at once.

LonesomeTonight · Apr 26, 2024 at 04:12 PM

Dear T,

That session didn't help. I just felt shame. Maybe I should just leave.

--LT

unaluna · Apr 26, 2024 at 05:24 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight

Dear T,
That session didn't help. I just felt shame. Maybe I should just leave.
--LT

Ya know, he probably cannot help you with your shame, because he cannot deal with his own shame. He puts up rules and regulations and boundaries, but he hides his own shame. Just as you have always suspected about his feelings towards his son. I was aware of my t's shame. He even told me he had thought i was trying to shame him, when actually i was asking him, how are you surviving? I think that was a valid question to want to ask your t. Why shouldnt they be a mentor? But your shame makes him uncomfortable so he blames you. You need a smarter and more human t. Not one you try to coax - like i was doing with penultimate t. Its like my last two ts had only one gene difference between them.

LonesomeTonight · Apr 26, 2024 at 07:47 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by unaluna

Ya know, he probably cannot help you with your shame, because he cannot deal with his own shame. He puts up rules and regulations and boundaries, but he hides his own shame. Just as you have always suspected about his feelings towards his son. I was aware of my t's shame. He even told me he had thought i was trying to shame him, when actually i was asking him, how are you surviving? I think that was a valid question to want to ask your t. Why shouldnt they be a mentor? But your shame makes him uncomfortable so he blames you. You need a smarter and more human t. Not one you try to coax - like i was doing with penultimate t. Its like my last two ts had only one gene difference between them.

Thanks, Una, this resonates. And I was just thinking that it's actually a similar dynamic to something with my mom--where she also has anxiety (both Dr. T and ex-T have said it's obvious from how I've described her). But she doesn't want to accept it, let alone admit it, so she seems critical of me for my anxiety instead.

Whereas my mother-in-law has anxiety and admits it, so she's empathetic to me for mine (and accommodating/understanding).

But yeah, maybe it's a similar dynamic with Dr. T, but with shame or something similar. And/or maybe self-doubt/insecurity from some things he's said.

LonesomeTonight · Apr 26, 2024 at 08:06 PM

Dear R,

I know I've sent a couple different emails about times, but if you could get back to me at some point tomorrow, that'd be good. I'd at least need to know about Monday.

I hope you aren't having second thoughts about meeting with me. I'm being honest that Dr. T said it was OK, if one or two sessions. That if it was more, we'd need to discuss further. But this is just for one. I feel a little stuck with him on this topic and how to understand and explain it. I'm hoping your knowledge on things like parts will help here. I want your help to not throw out the baby with the bathwater. To figure out how to comfort my younger parts about this if he can't do that.

--LT

LonesomeTonight · Apr 26, 2024 at 09:11 PM

Dear R,

Thanks for confirming the Monday session! And also wishing me a good weekend after I wished you one. Hope Monday helps, whatever "helps" means.

--LT

LonesomeTonight · Apr 27, 2024 at 06:00 AM

Dear T,

Maybe your trying to understand what I'm feeling and why it's important to have a place in your current or future office *is* your way of caring? Maybe I'll try to think of it that way.

Love,
LT

LostOnTheTrail · Apr 27, 2024 at 11:38 AM

Nathaniel Rateliff on repeat...

This new song has a primal element to it that I didn't know I needed.

There's a moment where his voice becomes the 'solo instrument', where you might normally expect a guitar or something.

I kind of feel jealous that he can move that much energy that way.

Then there's the gut punch in the lines:

Don't be appalled with the fall,
It didn't hurt that bad
I've hit the ground harder
I've hit the ground harder

No prizes for guessing where that takes me.

ScarletPimpernel · Apr 27, 2024 at 11:47 AM

T,
I appreciate your support. I just wish you weren't so optimistic about situations that put me at so much risk. L is trying to teach me that it's okay to be weak sometimes. Sometimes we need to depend on others to get you through. I just want all of this to be seen as a whole.

Also, why are you so good at compacting your responses? I write a 3 paragraph email, you respond with 3 sentences... Still I appreciate your response and support.

LonesomeTonight · Apr 28, 2024 at 08:36 AM

Dear T,

It occurs to me that maybe you think this is just about the fish, or mostly about the fish itself. It's not just about the fish. It's not about dictating what goes in your new space. The fish is a metaphor, of sorts.

Hopefully, R can help me understand it better and also to figure out how to explain it to you better in a way you can understand. Like an LT to Dr. T translator.

Love,
LT

atisketatasket · Apr 28, 2024 at 05:26 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight

Dear T,

It occurs to me that maybe you think this is just about the fish, or mostly about the fish itself. It's not just about the fish. It's not about dictating what goes in your new space. The fish is a metaphor, of sorts.

Hopefully, R can help me understand it better and also to figure out how to explain it to you better in a way you can understand. Like an LT to Dr. T translator.

Love,
LT

Why not also ask R to help you deal with the consequences of his decision? Especially if he doesn’t change his mind.

It sounds like you’re assuming if he only understood, he would keep the fish. I don’t think that’s a given.

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Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVII

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LonesomeTonight Always in This Twilight Member Since Feb 2015 Location: US Posts: 21,615 (SuperPoster!) 9 76.2k hugs given	Apr 25, 2024 at 08:10 AM #506 Dear T, Yeah, that reply didn't help. Even Gmail knew it, as one of its suggested replies was "Ugh." Love, LT

Mountaindewed Legendary Wise Elder Member Since Jun 2016 Location: Where the sidewalk ends Posts: 38,767 (SuperPoster!) 8 9,744 hugs given	Apr 25, 2024 at 09:56 AM #507 I can't do anything because I already rescheduled this week. I just hope my stomach holds up for 45 minutes. Well it held up until about 15 minutes after I posted this. __________________ I'm Blue Last edited by Mountaindewed; Apr 25, 2024 at 11:01 AM..

comrademoomoo Grand Poohbah Member Since Feb 2019 Location: Toodlepip Posts: 1,837 5	Apr 25, 2024 at 05:53 PM #509 You are clever, mostly. It's reassuring for me.

LonesomeTonight Always in This Twilight Member Since Feb 2015 Location: US Posts: 21,615 (SuperPoster!) 9 76.2k hugs given	Apr 26, 2024 at 04:12 PM #511 Dear T, That session didn't help. I just felt shame. Maybe I should just leave. --LT

LonesomeTonight Always in This Twilight Member Since Feb 2015 Location: US Posts: 21,615 (SuperPoster!) 9 76.2k hugs given	Apr 26, 2024 at 09:11 PM #515 Dear R, Thanks for confirming the Monday session! And also wishing me a good weekend after I wished you one. Hope Monday helps, whatever "helps" means. --LT

LonesomeTonight Always in This Twilight Member Since Feb 2015 Location: US Posts: 21,615 (SuperPoster!) 9 76.2k hugs given	Apr 27, 2024 at 06:00 AM #516 Dear T, Maybe your trying to understand what I'm feeling and why it's important to have a place in your current or future office is your way of caring? Maybe I'll try to think of it that way. Love, LT