Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVII

I think its the med increases helping with my agoraphobia. Plus I'm not normally too sick in the morning.

It's amazing how a subtle shift from talking about how something 'made me cry', to 'allowed me to cry' can make such a difference to how I view it.

Feeling my feelings is hard, as you know.

Thank you for your presence while I do so.

Ma'am, I am once again politely telling you to fk off.

Just kidding

I do like how you call me a horrible person without calling me a horrible person though. After sessions I kinda realize things you said and think in a more elaborate way of what was discussed/why my answers were those answers. Just wish I could open up in the moment in a way that doesn't sound more extreme than it probably was, generally to make people I'm not on good terms with at that second look worse than they are.

You said today you've been thinking about me a lot. I think you think of me more then I do of you.

My mom called you a "large woman" in the car. Idk why.

I'm glad you think my doctor is also a quack.

In spite of all the ex t stuff, it's you I want to see. When you sent me the zoom link I wanted to reply 🥲

Three more sleeps.

Release, release, release...

You said the other day you like my style.

Thanks. I dress the way I do because of the years I was bullied for my clothes as a kid.

I can't say I'm looking forward to tomorrow, but thank you for your willingness to sit with me in it.

There is a significant emotional difference between my awareness of the day that he died, and receiving the news that changed my world.

Dear online T, I am looking forward to your reply tomorrow. I am sleeping better this weekend. Thank you for helping me so much and listening to me.

Please don't underestimate the power of your presence.

Because I feel safe with you, I shared more deeply than I have before.

See you Thursday...thank goodness.

Love,

Lost

Dear T,

I wish I could tell you how much you mean to me. I'm sad that one day I'll have to stop seeing you because you are so important to me right now that it scares me

Yo I am SO freakin' happy to be free. I doubt you have any idea just how happy.

Dear T,

I want to talk about the H stuff with you tomorrow, but worried you'll side with him, at least on some level. As it's happened before. But I think I figured out some of what's going on with me, why I'm struggling with empathy for him here. So hoping you'll understand that aspect and can help me figure out how to talk to him about all this in a productive manner, so that maybe both he and I can get needs met.

Also, I hope you'll like the idea of a thank-you note to your office. Not sure I'd have thought of it without buying a bulk pack of thank-you notes for teachers/bus drivers, but I think it's a good idea. Not sure what day I'll do it, if that could work for tomorrow, if I have time to think of what to write amidst my mountain of work. Or maybe for Friday...

Love,
LT

heeeyyyyyy

another thread got me thinking just now about that old fantasy i used to have of sitting with you on my covered patio with my head on your shoulder, just watching the rain. I cringe at it now but at the time, it made me so happy. egad.

It was a bit weird that you had your flip flop feet on the table last week.

Dear T,


It seems some of my fears were founded. At least you were empathetic (for the most part) about the stuff with my mom.

Love,
LT

Thanks for not seeing me today. Not like I could really use some support right now or anything... I am seriously considering drinking again because I cannot deal, but no, I'm going to do a coping thing and go to Guitar Center and test some stuff out, see what's out there now.

During lockdown, Thursdays began to feel like a destination.
Then Steve died, and that feeling never left.

I appreciated not fielding 'How are you?' during today's work Zoom meeting.
Then the question arrived via email from a senior colleague, after I posted my latest artwork on social media.

All I could do was tell [part of] the truth.

Dear T,

I wish I could tell you why it was so funny which song the one band closed with last night. And maybe I told you back when it initially led to that (private) meme my friend created early on in my seeing you from your professional website pic. But now knowing how you are about photos being used, I doubt you'd find it amusing.


Love,
LT

Dear T,

Also, I'm really on the fence on whether to meet that Thursday before the move. I suppose I have time to decide. I just don't know if virtual, even with your screen turned to the window, would feel too sad. And you'll likely be preoccupied with the move, so I fear you'll be distant. Well, and that I'll be distant, too, in trying to protect myself. And there's already the distance that virtual gives.

I just worry I'll feel sad and disconnected, then will take that into the weekend when I'm on solo D duty. Maybe we can discuss it. And perhaps you'd be open to a morning-of decision? Or at least night before.

I also wish you could guarantee you wouldn't take certain things out of the office before that Tuesday's session, too. (You said before it wouldn't be till after, but I guess you've changed your mind?) Maybe I'll ask about it again Monday. There are many things I don't really care about. And you said you'd forewarn me, but if you're like, "I already packed up the fish," that would be extremely difficult for me. At least I already got the stone back.

I suppose I could just ask you to hold off on packing the fish up. I mean, it's one item, it's not going to take you that long to wrap it in newspaper or whatever. I understand if you're moving the paintings yourself that you might have to take those down early, but I'd feel OK about that, I think? And the sconces.

Love,
LT

I make it five more sleeps.

Explaining the aftermath is hard.

I have a little bit of the missing you blues today. It started with looking at the bird feeder live cam in my mom's yard, seeing my sister's house, I started missing my family. And then I started missing you.

Yesterday really took it out of me, and work need me to be on form at the moment.

I'm wrecked, and you're the only person who understands why.

Dear T,

Struggling with the move stuff right now and am hoping you have something tomorrow, as I'm reluctant to send you this novel of an email. I doubt you will, though, as I think it's your busy week, based on it being one two weeks ago. Maybe I can just sit on it till Wednesday. (Or send and say to not reply, then we'll discuss then, but not sure how much that will help me.) And I did feel connected for most of today, which was good, but the move is just hitting me more, I think.

And your uncertainty of when things will go away from the office is really difficult, especially considering that you do, in fact, have control over most of that. Yes, you can't control some aspects, but it feels like you feel it's up to the fates, when you could opt to hold off on something until a few days before your move. I have moved before myself. I get you want to do stuff when you can, but my last in-person meeting would be 3 days before your actual move.

Yes, I'm being selfish. But I also feel like your uncertainty about timing is making this much more difficult for me. If you were like, "I am definitely going to take x out of the office Monday," then I could decide, "OK, maybe it's not worth going in Tuesday, and I'll say my office good-byes Sunday." Or good-bye this Friday, I guess.

Like I said in the email draft, it's like I'm watching someone die slowly, their faculties going away one by one. I'd rather be there when they are still conscious. Of course, your office is not a sentient being, but still. I feel like ex-MC and ex-T just ripped off the Band-Aid, where this is a slow, 6-week removal, where every arm hair hurts.

Love,
LT