Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVII

I'm kinda not sure how I would feel if you switched to virtual tommorow. How many times can you or your kid suddenly wake up sick though? It seems to happen every other week.

Dear T,

I think that was a very productive session today. I'm glad we were able to meet. I really appreciated what you said about how the vast majority of the time, you really enjoy working with me. I think I needed to hear that.

We definitely need to continue the conversation on my feeling stuck, in terms of reducing sessions, emailing less, etc. It helped that you said it was unnatural to pull back from a relationship. It makes it feel less like it's some failure with me in particular and more just human nature in general.

Lots of other important stuff, too. Still "marinating," but pretty sure I'll cancel tomorrow. I'm glad you're good with that and with my letting you know this evening. And made it clear you see that sort of change as part of how you run your practice.

Love,
LT

Hi R,

Struggling to feel as though you have the full picture again.
How many times is it acceptable to explain something?

I wish there was some other way to ascertain what you understand here.

Lost

Agreed, Lost. I wish there was a way to tell that they truly understand.

I just read this quote and it hit me right square in the feels: "The desire to be loved is the last illusion: give it up and you will be free." - Margaret Atwood.

She is so smart.

I think about something like this sometimes when i am making dinner for myself. Would i want to do it for so.eone else? I.e., be all "oh youre so smart and pretty and i love you." Like what is the point? I think it is mortar to the brick of a child's psyche, but after that? And if it wasnt given then, a lot of rebuilding and refacing is needed.

You didn't switch to telehealth but you did email me asking if we could meet 15 minutes later.

And all I said was my normal "yeah thats fine." Even though I wasn't very happy about it.

I sometimes feel like you do this all the time because you know how agreeable I am all the time.

more to think about. thanks, una.

L, I wonder what you would think of this: "the more you pursue feeling better all the time, the less satisfied you become, as pursuing something only reinforces the fact that you lack it in the first place." That was me in therapy. In a nutshell. I didn't even know exactly what I was pursuing anymore, even talking with you had started to leave me feeling "less-than". I keep saying I'm broken. I'm not ****ing broken. I'm HUMAN. And ain't no therapy that can "fix" being human.

Dear H,

Thank you for sitting with me for all these weeks on the phone.
I appreciate you reminding me that I am always worthy of the space, regardless of the other support I have.

The fact that you remembered the significance of Saturday (or at least I think you did...) without me spelling it out meant so much.

The Critic is blithering about pulling myself together, but that doesn't mean pulling away from the people who support me.

Thank you for making sure that I know that.

Lost

Where are you getting all this smart stuff?

Ha, believe it or not for that last one I googled "i don't give a **** itis" (because today I don't lol) and stumbled upon a book called "The Subtle Art of Not Giving a *****: A Counterintuitive Approach to Living a Good Life" by someone called Mark Manson, that includes that little gem. Tis a book I need to read.

Thiis sounds like a good way around my self-sabotage. Like it was a joke in the olden days that the way to throw Arnold Palmer off his game was to ask him a specific question about his swing. It would get him thinking about an unconscious process or something.

Thanks!!!

Well, it's just dawned on me what has been missing in our discussions about my new realisation.

It's a big one, in terms of our relationship.

Empathy

I don't feel as though you understand the impact this realisation had on me.

I've had many conversations with other people as a result of your choice to work virtually over the summer, that I couldn't have with you online.

We need to talk about the feelings, and yet for that to happen, I need to know that you understand what I'm talking about.

Rational mind says it's been a while since we talked about it...and yet I've never had such a sense that you need a recap.

I didn't eat much today but what do you expect

I want to see you in person. I miss you. Idk why. I don't normally feel this way. Just a few more hours.

You know there's too much on my plate when I forget to mention the agonising context of this coming Saturday.

It's the first time this particular anniversary has come around with the full picture.

There's no poetry in this at all.

Dear T,

Happy 7 years! Don't worry, no gift this year. The past 6 months have been rough, with the move, but we're working through it, I think. Tempted to write a brief thank-you note, as you seemed to really appreciate that a couple years ago. I'll ponder it.

Love,
LT

I sent an email to see if you would have me as a patient again before I ask my Dr for a referral. Your admin doesn’t understand what I was asking. Only you would know.

What the davey was with that one email asking if I was fine to do in person then those 2 weird those emails cancelling altogether? I was all ready to go into. Idk. I guess I'll go get coffee now. I really did want to see you

Also why did the receptionist call me to schedule the appointment? I feel kinda bad about that to be honest. I don't know if that makes any sense or what I'm even trying to say.

She did email me herself half an hour ago or so confirmimg our appointment. So I do feel better now about things. I guess maybe the receptionist just had to take over for a bit.

My non dairy oatmilk apple machiatto was really good.

I want to see you. I miss you. Weird. Maybe they gave me a different generic. I thought this was the same med just in a different form.

Dear T,

So we avoided the one difficult area (the move), but ended up in a different dicey area in the last 15 minutes or so. But I think I'm OK with how it went. I was trying my best to see and feel the caring in your eyes, to take in what you were actually saying and not how my "freak" brain tends to twist things around. Will it hold? I hope so. Or at least enough for me to not reach out to you before Monday.

And that was really weird how your phone was trying to put our meeting location as the coffee shop at your old office. A sign of something? Maybe your phone misses it, too!

Love,
LT

Dear T,

Still doing OK with what we talked about, trying to think of the totality of what we discussed about that topic, the bigger picture. Progress?

Oh, and I ordered a (different) DBT workbook. Thanks for saying you could help me work through one a bit if I wanted--I know that a group or formally trained DBT therapist is best, but maybe this could be a start, a stepping stone of sorts.

Love,
LT

Hi R,

I wish I could reach the sense of safety that I need in our relationship at the moment.
It feels so flipping distant, and I've never needed it more.

H is well aware that I don't feel properly safe with you again yet...and I feel conflicted about still seeking support from her when we are able to be in the same room.

Hopefully it's just today, but everything ****ing hurts.

Lost

I don’t know how to tell you what my brother did to me