Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVII

Dear T,


It seems some of my fears were founded. At least you were empathetic (for the most part) about the stuff with my mom.

Love,
LT

Thanks for not seeing me today. Not like I could really use some support right now or anything... I am seriously considering drinking again because I cannot deal, but no, I'm going to do a coping thing and go to Guitar Center and test some stuff out, see what's out there now.

During lockdown, Thursdays began to feel like a destination.
Then Steve died, and that feeling never left.

I appreciated not fielding 'How are you?' during today's work Zoom meeting.
Then the question arrived via email from a senior colleague, after I posted my latest artwork on social media.

All I could do was tell [part of] the truth.

Dear T,

I wish I could tell you why it was so funny which song the one band closed with last night. And maybe I told you back when it initially led to that (private) meme my friend created early on in my seeing you from your professional website pic. But now knowing how you are about photos being used, I doubt you'd find it amusing.


Love,
LT

Dear T,

Also, I'm really on the fence on whether to meet that Thursday before the move. I suppose I have time to decide. I just don't know if virtual, even with your screen turned to the window, would feel too sad. And you'll likely be preoccupied with the move, so I fear you'll be distant. Well, and that I'll be distant, too, in trying to protect myself. And there's already the distance that virtual gives.

I just worry I'll feel sad and disconnected, then will take that into the weekend when I'm on solo D duty. Maybe we can discuss it. And perhaps you'd be open to a morning-of decision? Or at least night before.

I also wish you could guarantee you wouldn't take certain things out of the office before that Tuesday's session, too. (You said before it wouldn't be till after, but I guess you've changed your mind?) Maybe I'll ask about it again Monday. There are many things I don't really care about. And you said you'd forewarn me, but if you're like, "I already packed up the fish," that would be extremely difficult for me. At least I already got the stone back.

I suppose I could just ask you to hold off on packing the fish up. I mean, it's one item, it's not going to take you that long to wrap it in newspaper or whatever. I understand if you're moving the paintings yourself that you might have to take those down early, but I'd feel OK about that, I think? And the sconces.

Love,
LT

I make it five more sleeps.

Explaining the aftermath is hard.

I have a little bit of the missing you blues today. It started with looking at the bird feeder live cam in my mom's yard, seeing my sister's house, I started missing my family. And then I started missing you.

Yesterday really took it out of me, and work need me to be on form at the moment.

I'm wrecked, and you're the only person who understands why.

Dear T,

Struggling with the move stuff right now and am hoping you have something tomorrow, as I'm reluctant to send you this novel of an email. I doubt you will, though, as I think it's your busy week, based on it being one two weeks ago. Maybe I can just sit on it till Wednesday. (Or send and say to not reply, then we'll discuss then, but not sure how much that will help me.) And I did feel connected for most of today, which was good, but the move is just hitting me more, I think.

And your uncertainty of when things will go away from the office is really difficult, especially considering that you do, in fact, have control over most of that. Yes, you can't control some aspects, but it feels like you feel it's up to the fates, when you could opt to hold off on something until a few days before your move. I have moved before myself. I get you want to do stuff when you can, but my last in-person meeting would be 3 days before your actual move.

Yes, I'm being selfish. But I also feel like your uncertainty about timing is making this much more difficult for me. If you were like, "I am definitely going to take x out of the office Monday," then I could decide, "OK, maybe it's not worth going in Tuesday, and I'll say my office good-byes Sunday." Or good-bye this Friday, I guess.

Like I said in the email draft, it's like I'm watching someone die slowly, their faculties going away one by one. I'd rather be there when they are still conscious. Of course, your office is not a sentient being, but still. I feel like ex-MC and ex-T just ripped off the Band-Aid, where this is a slow, 6-week removal, where every arm hair hurts.

Love,
LT

Thank you for your email.

I'm still keeping hold of 'It doesn't matter what day it is. Your job is to take care of you.'
Layers upon layers.

See you Thursday.

Love,

Lost

You said you were thinking of me when you were at a Coke freestyle machine. I'm kinda preoccupied with other things and I don't normally think of you at random times.

Also what was up with your boobs practically popping out of your shirt? Yes I saw you pull up your shirt up when you thought I wasn't looking.

Ayyo,

haven't seen you since the 6th. Another cancelation this week so won't see you again until the 26th if you don't have any emergencies or meetings or whatever else "comes up." Thought this was supposed to be a weekly thing. I'm not saying I'm mad about not seeing you. I'm saying I'm mad because I make time to see you. I make sure I'm not sleeping. I make sure I'm sober (enough). I do not make prior plans during our appointment time. And when you cancel on the session, I also cancel on the session, a nap, binge drinking, I don't know having lunch with a friend or a good fckking?

I am so glad our session was yesterday and not tommorow. I do not feel like doing therapy right now with everything else thats going on.

Go to the ER if I don't feel "medically" safe. Never heard that one from a therapist.

T.S. Eliot asserts that "April is the cruellest month."

For years, I agreed with him.

Now June is giving April a run for its money.

Hi R,

Thank you so ****ing much for springing that on me at the beginning of session.
Having had two years of virtual sessions where you opened the call, I tried to speak and promptly dissolved, you'll understand why I'm not thrilled at the prospect of you going virtual for the summer.

Of course, you 'know' that will have an impact on me...and we can talk about it, but like we talk about Steve now, it doesn't change anything.

Feeling pretty broken right now, and possibly worse than I was.

See you Thursday,

Lost

There's something screwed up about having a session, and needing to call the bereavement support line on the same day.

There's something more screwed up about having another human being say to me: 'If you feel the need to cry again and you'd rather do that with somebody, you can call back.'

How the hell has my life come to this?

I wish I could send you this song, because it says it all.



People in pain need people, not screens.

There's a quote attributed to the Sufi mystic Hafiz:

'Fear is the cheapest room in the house. I'd like to see you living in better conditions.'

It's running around my head again, when it hasn't been for a while.

Much appreciated.