Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVII

ugh. gross. my psych NP broke HIPAA and called me husband when i wasnt in danger and i let her know how i felt. its so serious bc its so ingrained inmy head about what i can and cannot do. i hate when people think the rules dont apply to them

I wish I could cancel. You'd think high blood pressure and puking and shoulder pain would make them more sympathetic

I'm beginning to think that paperwork I filled out was for some other job application, not my current role.

In other words, I haven't had this conversation yet.

Is it her or did I just eat the chicken too fast

The song Let Her Go was my top Spotfiy song last year cause I listened to it so much because it reminded me of my transference therapist.

But other therapists have freaked out when I've mentioned her.

Dear T,

Struggling to write an email to you. What do I want vs. what are you willing to give me? How was today's session such a mess? I really don't know what happened. I felt I threw you some softballs, and...yea, I'm not sure how to work that sports analogy. I'll just say that it went poorly. Nearly every topic. I wish I could have a do-over. Is this just what our relationship is? A mess? I don't know...

Love,
LT

So sorry, LT.

Hugs if wanted.

Dear T,

Any sort of supportive response would help. I just don't want to feel this way with you about to travel.

Love,

LT

Dear T,

And I'm really struggling...I mean, you're probably getting ready for your trip, for prominence in your sport, so I'm just an obstacle to that...


LT

i'm missing you today.

Thanks, Lost. I brought up stuff I shouldn't have right before vacation, but I still wish he'd handled that and other, unrelated stuff, better.

Dear T,

You probably wish I'd just terminate...that would make your professional life much easier. Maybe I'll do that when you're back, I don't know... Maybe it would be better for everyone. Would be much easier if I didn't love you...


Love,
LT

Maybe you'll just terminate with me...I'm sure you're irritated by the email.

Hugs, LT.

Thanks, Artie. Hugs back to you!

He did send a fairly supportive reply, including "I hope that you are also focusing on how I have no intention of ending our working relationship." So that helped. I see R on Friday, so I'm hoping she can give some support, too (I did email to ask if she had anything tomorrow--I have p-doc this afternoon, or I'd have asked about today, too).

Hope you're doing OK...thinking of you.

Hi R,

I've just been looking at my notes from the last session where we really talked about my lived experience of disability.

Comes to something when I feel as though I have to check to make sure I'm not repeating myself.

It doesn't look like we've had this conversation before, and goodness knows we need something to talk about...so that will be the topic.

Speak to you in the morning,

Lost

Part Two

Trying to do therapy without involving feelings is dumb.

You know that, right?

Dear T,

Went pretty well with p-doc. Wish I felt like I could email you that (or that you'd have wanted me to), but of course I can't. Well, I *could*, but you'd be irritated, so... I'll fill you in next week. Seeing R tomorrow now and maybe still keeping Friday--hopefully you can deal with that OK. This just seems to be a not-OK stretch of time for me for whatever reason. Maybe the Latuda will help? And/or it not being summer?

Hope you've either it made it safely to your destination or are still...safely on the road.

Love,
LT

Dear H,

Thanks for telling me where to find a picture of you.
Is it weird that I am considering sending you a picture of Steve...just so that you can get a sense of what the world is missing now that he is no longer in it?

I don't know...I'd just like you to see.

Speak soon,

Lost

Dear R,

I wish you'd clarify about tomorrow, whether it's in person. I guess as long as you let me know by 10:30 or so, that's fine. And I assume you kept me on for Friday? You didn't send a meeting cancellation.

I feel I could use each session for a different thing. Tomorrow, more just general coping, figuring out what's going on with me right now, how to manage it at least in the short-term. Then, pick a focus for Friday. I really hope you can give me some support right now. I want to get your thoughts on the one thing p-doc suggested today, too. Some warmth would also be good...


--LT

I’m grateful I have no real problems. That I have food and a safe space to sleep.

Just dealing with the usual feeling tiredness, but I’m still much happier, even though I know I shouldn’t have quit the gym.

I’m ready to go back to London. Ticket booked in the evening for 5 days time, as they were so expensive.

I’m also oddly in a cooking phase, which for me is a pink moon event. 😂

It grates on me that you think we're going to flip a switch and just go back to normal.
There's a hell of a lot to talk about before that can happen.

I need to recap where we left it before going online for my sake.

I'm having the kinds of conversations we should be having with several other people...and I'm going to have to catch you up?

Do you know how ridiculous that is?

Dear H,

Thank you for understanding why I wanted to share the picture.
What I know is hard to carry, and R is not able to carry it with me in her usual way.

Speak to you next week,

Lost

Eesh all the dreams I've been having lately! You would have a field day.

Dear T,

I hope you won't have some issue with me seeing R both today and tomorrow. You're out of town--literally, not like with the move, when you were in town but unavailable. I mean, I do feel better after today's session. I'd likely be fine to not see her tomorrow. But I think she can help me with more coping strategies, to help with, as she put it, the "insulation."

Why do you seem so unable to help me with those? It's like you expect me to cope, but aren't giving me the tools to do so. Or the "tools" are meeting with you regularly, but then when you're not around, I don't have much to work with. You'll mention things like exercise. I know, it's ultimately on me, but something like, "I wish you'd exercise more regularly" isn't helpful. Maybe help me come up with a plan? I guess I have to ask for that.

And I had an insight at the end with R. How this is similar to my parents, who just expected me to cope with certain things without really teaching me how. And then seem puzzled that I can't cope. I do wonder though, if you do mindfulness?breathing exercises with some other clients (as you've mentioned doing this), but won't with me because of transference stuff. I guess I need to ask about that. Maybe there's some other reason? Maybe I said "no" one time early on and you took that to mean "no" forever.

But like R said, I can find and do that stuff on my own. It would still be nice to get more guidance from you on it--at least she recommends specific websites and apps and stuff.

Love,
LT