Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVII

I didnt really care that our session was only half an hour it was still productive. But I don't know what was up with my Zoom app. Audio couldn't work unless I logged into workplace or some shyt?

I also was glad that you understood I wasn't pushing you aside because of my non mental health issues and sometimes I just need to do virtual.

Global events

I remember that one time when I was seeing my transference T in her office and we were walking to her office and I said "whats that smell?" And she said "I don't know" quickly and quietly. And then awhile later in her office she was like "spill it."

She wanted the tea but didnt want another client in another office to hear me.

Dear T,

I feel very distanced from you right now. I'm sure it's partly because you're literally multiple states away. Maybe it's also because I met with R. And I also met with p-doc since you've been gone. Has it really only been since Tuesday? It feels much longer.

This might sound odd, but I can't tell if it's that I miss you or not at the moment. Whatever it is, I am determined to not reach out to you until you're back though, barring some awful thing happening in my life, and even then, I'd do my best to just wait. I'm trying to give you space. And maybe give myself space, too.

Love,
LT

I'm not sure whether you remember why I scheduled our next session for Tuesday 10th September.

As it is, you are my only option for skilled support who can be with me in person on that day.

I want to recap 'where we left off', but I don't want to insult you by doing so.

I wish I could be sure that you'd remember.

Did you ever get jealous of my PT? My mom and I were talking about this in the car.

Like do therapists ever get jealous of their clients other providers.

Dear T,

I kinda miss you now. A little bit.

Love,
LT

Why did you randomly ask me if I ever had a particular snack you were eating? Seemed a bit of a too friendly question. We aren't friends you know. I have stricter boundaries then you do. I don't go around reffering to my family members by their first names and stuff like that.

Hi R,

Well, it looks like I have a meeting with my boss about things tomorrow.
It's all happening rather quickly, and I wish we could talk beforehand.

We'll debrief as usual, though.

Just because you saved me last night doesn't mean anything is okay. Nothing is okay. The way you went about it disrespects not only me, but many women with my struggles. And then on top of that, you gave me no time to process it and no time to work on my own issues. Your body, your choice. But it has a great impact on me. I'm still not sure I want to continue with you even with helping me last night.

I never thought this could be possible, but I feel safer on the phone with H than I do with you at the moment.

Hugs to you, Scarlet...

Dear T,

Hope you're home safely, or at least nearly home. My list of things to talk about with you is ridiculously long. I hope I can figure out what's most important, what I can just give a brief summary for, what can be held for future sessions, etc. I just don't want to get hung up talking about something that I feel is less important or urgent and not get to the other stuff. I suppose I could just say that at the beginning, as I've done that before.

Feeling a little weird about seeing you--anxious, I guess? Maybe mixed with something else. I don't know. I didn't miss you the way I tend to when you're away. But perhaps that's actually a good thing?

Love,
LT

Hi R,

Well...I've said my piece to my boss now.
Sounds as though she took it on board.

Not every conversation needs to feel like a courageous conversation, though.
I know I have a couple more of those to come.

I'm fed up of being pissed off.
I'm so fed up of being pissed off.

Dear T,

Thanks for all that, especially for the positive answer to the question I didn't want to ask about the handshake. And for being warm. Seems like the week out of town did you good. Maybe it did us both good. Perhaps we each needed a break from the other?

Love,
LT

That's no excuse to getting pregnant. You knew better... You thought you wouldn't be there for me then? Well now you're not here for me now. And you will do this again because of your pathetic excuses.

Please tell me you understand that we are not just going to slip back into our 'normal'.
We didn't have a chance to talk about how this new understanding has impacted me, because I didn't know.

I had fertility treatment for all my children.. I found oothers pregnancy's stung before I had my children, I didn't feel it was anything they were doing too me though it gave me the energy to continue on my fertility quest...

I was so relieved when I saw the email this morning that you needed to switch to virtual. Idk if I'm avoiding you at this point, but when you switch to virtual yourself then thats not my problem.

Dear H,

Thank you for holding space for me during this impossible season.
I'm grateful we'll be able to talk again on Monday, and that I now have the option of emailing to set something up if I need to.

Speak soon,

Lost

I'm feeling really weird about Tuesday.
On some level, of course it will be good to see you...

On another, we have so much to talk about and I have no idea how I'm going to fit it all in.

WSPD feels different again with the full picture.

I might have known that...but I never expected to have the full picture.

I never told my pdoc I legally changed my name. I mean he knows obviously but I just called the office when I got my new insurance card.

I feel kinda bad. But there was a lot going on. My sister was at a very high risk preganancy and then she had the baby and then a couple weeks later I got covid and I was also switching therapists. By the time I met with my pdoc in November it had already been a couple months.

Dear H,

Thank you for everything.

I appreciate the insight into the next project, and your willingness to share it with me.

Here's to being honest with R, and the fact of my honesty not blowing things up.

Thank you for your willingness to have another conversation on Monday, and then look at what the support might look like from there.

I appreciate you being a safe space.

Lost

You told me I was in a questionable neighborhood, but I felt like I was going to explode and I didn't have any issue. Doctors can't even tell so I was fine.

First session back, and all I felt was the disconnect.
First session back, and I feel like you've missed so much.
First session back, and we're talking about reframing...

First session back...really?