Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVII

Halfway mark. 50 days down, 50 days left to go. Both feel like an eternity.

Now I'm checking the weather forecast, hoping that won't impact next week.

I need next week, as much as I'm uneasy about it.

You will know that this has been hard, but I don't think you'll know the depth of it...unless I can find the words.

still looking forward to it but now i'm starting to get nervous. boo.

haha. I'm so silly to have been nervous. good session today. thank you.

....and "homework?" with all the hours I'll be working starting Monday?!

Ha but you know I'll do it. Tomorrow.

And I just gotta say that today is one of those days when I am feeling particularly lucky that I ended up with you as my t. I have my doubts sometimes... but you really are one of the good ones.

I started on the homework this morning, it's going pretty well, thanks for the idea. i probably won't read the whole thing to you, but... we'll see.

Yeah she said the same thing. She said it depends but therapists (most) dont hold grudges either

It will be 3 years at the end of Febuaray that I ended things with my transference T.

I'm not 100% over her. Today has been tough. Then again all of today has been.

Being attached to you makes my life so incredibly difficult. The couple of weeks away are just starting to remind me of what it’s like to not have anyone in my life with that power over me. Nobody to trigger me / make me feel so intensely etc. I do not know how I coped over the last 12 months and it is very tempting to stay away now that I’ve started to lose those feelings. I don’t want to reawaken them by seeing you again. I don’t want to live on edge, getting triggered every time I think you are abandoning or rejecting me.
But I don’t have another option, because I won’t want to live if I go back to the way I was either. And I deeply want to be known by somebody. I hope this year is easier

Dear T,

I wonder if I should ask if you have an additional day this week, though I know that would involve consecutive days. Just feeling really stressed about H's upcoming surgery and the preparation before and my duties after that. I shouldn't be crying because someone has to come out to fix a leaking toilet. I guess there's no harm in asking--I'm just aware the answer could be that you don't have availability (or that it's at an inopportune time). Or I see how things go today.

Especially as it seems that next week, only twice is possible, particularly with your weird schedule that Friday and my need to get D on and off the bus that day.


Love,
LT

LT - it's OK to ask for what you need. I hope you can reach out for your peace of mind.

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Hi R,


Please can I stop being brave?

See you soon,

Lost

Looking forward to our sesh tomorrow!

Thanks, Lost. He had an opening Thursday, so I took it (saw him today for a weepy session, then Thursday and Friday--he was off yesterday).

Hugs to you.

I have this need to tell you what my #1 favorite song of all time is... I will not sing it though don't worry hahaha hint: I was only 11 when it came out!

Thanks for confirming tomorrow.

I know it's weird...but I needed that.

See you in the morning,

Lost

Got off to a VERY rocky start today, but we ended up where we usually do. Lots of love and light! You're the best, still, ever!!

boy do i have some **** to talk about this week. buckle your seat belt. It's gon' be a bumpy one.

(That’s gona be me next week 😬&#128514
Hope it went well!!

You knew...and that gives me some peace.

'Steve's birthday, right?' was not what I expected when I started to explain the specific challenge of mid-December.

The clean up operation will take a while, but I think you're aware of that too.

You kept talking about international house of pancakes all the time and I had no idea what the **** resturaunt that was. Then I found out today you were talking about IHOP.

I don't know if it was you or me today. It was a bit rude when you said "I'll forgive you somehow." When I accidently hit your table with my shoe. I mean I did apologize. Maybe it was just a sarcastic joke that didn't land well? I have been super sensitive today.

But then you said "I thought we already discussed this."

Sorry for being human and forgettIng something.

Idk why I care so much. I've been yelled at by my pdoc and I've just gone on about my day after the appointment with no issue. I don't get why these vauge comments are making me so sensitive.

Dear T,

Why did I have to bring that up? Or at least, why did I bring that up near the end of session today, rather than earlier in the session or else yesterday? I mean, I guess better than bringing it up Monday, but...

OK, the real question should be: Why did you have to react like that? Rather than blaming myself for something I don't think was such a strange thing to ask about or want.

I don't think this is going to be a rupture or anything, but I do feel bad about it. You could have explored my feelings behind it instead of just going sort of cold and weird. I mean, I don't see why emailing you like a sentence to let you know how H's surgery went is some huge ask or crossing some sort of friendship line. Like you said, we've been talking about this for weeks. (You apparently thought texting, but I made it clear that it wasn't.) And you're the one who's been self-disclosing all over the place lately. And it's not like I want to text you pics from a Taylor Swift concert.

If it wasn't a Friday, I'd consider emailing about this. But I should just do my best to let it go. As I'm stuck in the house due to the rain and trying to keep H from getting sick before his surgery and when I have zero work to do. Which is the perfect way for me to put things out of my mind. Not. Sigh...

Love,
LT

Thank you, thank you, thank you.