Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVII

I'm pretty sure you gaslighted me earlier. I hope you'll answer my question about that.

Just a question. I mentioned being attracted to Kelly Clarkson. You didn't say anything. Then I also mentioned being attracted to Keke Palmer. And you said "how does that make you feel?" What did you mean by that comment excatly? Is it because shes black and I'm white? So what? Man do you make some iffy comments.

Hi R,

I don't know how I'm going to explain the challenge that this time has been...but I think I'm going to need you to move for that conversation.

Just under two weeks to go, and I already have the first page of notes.

See you soonish,

Lost

Wellll there's more problems with my car than just the tire. And we are taking things day by day with Stormy. So don't be surprised if I need to cancel this Friday I really want to come talk because we need to get back to that subject you thought I was sweeping under the rug. But it might not be possible this week. I don't want to try to have this conversation over zoom, either. It needs to be in person.

I still love ya, bae. I hope you will have good answers for me, soon. It was a rough week all around, and I need to know your thoughts on the matters that are still open.

So in four months we have gone from you terminating me, you then contacting me six weeks later to say you realise you handled things badly and would like to give it another go if I was willing, hashing things out and being brutally honest with each other, and now on Christmas Eve you unexpectedly leaving me a voicemail because you want me to know I’m not forgotten between sessions and that you know how difficult the next few days are going to be for me.
This isn’t what I was expecting after everything that happened in August, but your voicemail today was one of the most thoughtful and caring things anyone has done for me. Thank you so very much.

Retail therapy is awesome. I can afford to buy nice things for my family, because I'm not handing over stupid amounts to you or any of the other incompetent therapists before you.

Dear T,

A gift my sister-in-law got made me think of you, because we were talking about it last week. When she opened it, I was like, "I was just talking to...someone about those!"

Survived that gathering (despite D having a rough go of it), including eating dinner. H said I did well, and I'd agree. (And I didn't even come up with some excuse to leave for 30 minutes like my brother-in-law.) I enjoyed talking to my sis-in-law, too.

So, that's one down. Now to get through Christmas Day with my parents. (I'll try to think of the fond memories that we discussed, maybe create some new ones.) Of course, then there's the rest of Christmas break (doesn't help that D keeps saying how many days are left). But I see you Wednesday, so that will be an outlet, if needed. (Though I keep having this weird feeling that will end up being virtual--hope not, as it will mean one of us is sick or some other bad thing.)

Love you,
LT

Dr. S. I wish I could talk with you. Nothing bad or anything. I simply miss talking with you.

I think we are so similar. You told me that you are "weird," in the context of comparing yourself to others. That was endearing. I hope you will read my email soon - maybe on Tuesday - and reply.

Merry Christmas, L. Hope you and yours are having a beautiful day. And (I hope) I'll see you on Friday.

Dear T,

So Christmas with my parents went OK, too, despite some rough patches with D. I think in part due to our talk of Christmas memories last week, I opted to stay an extra hour and a half to hang out with my parents after H and D left. Because like we talked about--who knows how many years I'll have with them? I mean, who knows how many years (or days or weeks or months) I'll have with anyone? So I should make the most of the time I have. And I think talking about the positive memories put me in the mindset of wanting to stay, not trying to get out of there as soon as D wants to leave.

Whether you do something for Christmas or not, I hope you had a nice day, whatever you were doing.

Love,

LT

L, Thank you for your text. You made me cry. Things like that is why I love you. And I didn't even remember making you the painted window. That was special seeing it. Merry Christmas L.

I said "yes" to something I would have declined on previously. It was an offer to see Christmas lights still up. I also live close to an old castle, which I've never been to before. We walked up to the grounds, then left as it was already dark. The round trip took 4 hours, but overall though it was tiring, I really did have fun at the end and I'm glad I went.

New Years resolution 1: Say "yes" to more things.

I have a feeling you are going to want to know how this extended break was.
I want to gloss over it...but that's not going to help.

Steve's birthday landing when it does is a challenge I wasn't prepared for.

What that means seems to change over time.

One moment at a time...right?

Dear T-

Thank you for your kind and thoughtful email over the holidays. I didn't expect or even wish for it- but receiving such an attuned note brought tears to my eyes. I feel like you see me and know me. This is a hard time of year and hearing you say "I am holding you in mind with love and care" meant more than you know.

It didn't feel intrusive at all, especially since you said no reply needed. I do look forward to our very reduced (but continued) sessions in the new year.

I keep forgetting I meet with you tommorow. I've been enjoying my holiday and I haven't thought of or needed to email you.

Thank you, as always, for being there. We will work through our dynamic issues. You are the best!

Dr. S. I'm 2 days away from it being 4 weeks since I last emailed you. Today was a harder day without you. I wanted to SH - I didn't. I'm so mad at/with you. Thoughts of hating you come and go. I don't have any feelings about it - the closest I have is the heaviness that I associate with sadness. I don't really feel sad. I feel a heaviness on me and and within me. I keep waiting for the last part of your leaving to be finalized. It is almost here.

To the nurses and MHTs at my most recent IP stay (which was an IEA so fk the groups with other people who don't want to be there and aren't trying to really get better and they were like "you're here for an eating disorder. We don't treat eating disorders and don't give a flying shyt if you eat or purge....but if you binge we'll lock the dining area outside of meal times which they actually did) who were complaining about me sleeping like 18 hours a day,

when you finally get out of survival mode and feel safe enough to rest

Do therapists care when their clients get mad at them? Or is it just another day for them?

Ok so crapping your pants in your sleep is pretty funny stuff. I could tell you were trying really hard to not laugh. I was too. I get it. It is funny.

i have a feeling that my session tomorrow is going to be very interesting. it's been 2 weeks. I hope we can get back into the question I didn't want to talk about then. eta: i've actually really been looking forward to it.

I think that our little rough patch is leading to a better therapeutic relationship for us. You are such a good psychologist - you chose wisely.

I don't know if you wanted input on that question. But, I'm going to guess the answer is, "it depends." I know that my therapist cares deeply.