Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVIII

For goodness' sake...I keep checking the forecast, and it's only getting worse.

'Safety is paramount', indeed.

It's quite something when the Universe itself seems to disagree with a planned practice.

Also...**** the gastric element to this.

I'm still processing on multiple levels.
I think you'll understand that, but I didn't want to put it in an email.

Dear H,

I missed talking to you today.
Something about your gentle 'Hi, Lost...' just puts me at ease.
G told me that it's OK to use 'those' words...but I don't know how to get this out of my system.

Can't help but feel that you'd have something practical for me.
G offered validation, but called early and kind of cut me short.

I'm beyond hacked off at how this has worked out...

Somehow it's the fourth birthday that Steve has not been here for, and the first where I've had a 'full understanding'.

An understanding that really makes me want to throw things...and that's highly unusual for me.

Roll on next call,

Lost

Dear T, thank you for checking in with me yesterday. It truly shows me that you do care and that it's helping me to feel less anxious with having a new therapist. I do realize that I can reach out to you at anytime on betterhelp. But I'm worried about the boundaries and I want to not push the boundaries. With my anxiety it's hard to not cancel my phone sessions and I have promised myself that I will keep the sessions unless a emergency comes up or I'm sick. I have been hurt by too many therapist and I'm trying so hard to not be so Rigid.

Thank you for not saying anything today, when I asked you not to. Thank you for asking if you could ask a clarifying question, and for not doing so when I said no. Thank you for understanding that I couldn't afford for you to say the wrong thing. I was right on the edge of tolerance and you could easily have said something that threw me off the edge. Thank you for saying that it is my choice.

I'm still going round in circles, struggling to figure out plan B.

Dealing with anger that comes from grief is different than dealing with anger that comes from conflict/discord.

Why so few resources?

You'd think someone would have a map.

Fire outside is neutral but destructive.
The intensity of this experience demands something different to break through multiple layers.

Many other feelings have calcified around the rage to keep it from becoming an outward problem.

Deep down it still burns.

Thank you so much for bringing the plate anyway, even though we didn't use it.
I'm hoping you aren't too attached to it, because it's still a possibility.

I'm feeling absolutely exhausted after today's session.

I guess it's the weight of the day as well.

Love,

Lost

Dear T,

Wish I could talk to you right now. I mean, I know I see you at 1 pm tomorrow, but that feels far away.


Love,
LT

It’s great you were just this morning talking about things I can’t even pronounce with someone else, and at the same time answering my question of which ****ing cake you would choose. Why am I so stupid. Just tell me how lame I am already.

Thank you,

I've just opened my Christmas card.
You always choose such beautiful ones, and you know what a crafted message means to me.

It's getting easier to accept that the carrying on is a kind of bravery.

Enjoy the Christmas lights - they sound especially beautiful.

Lost

Heya L. Up and down, back and forth, bla bla bla. Right now, I'm thinking I want to meet in early January after your vacation to clear up a couple of things, so I can start the new year off with a clean slate so to speak. Maybe I'll reach out then. We'll see. It's been weighing on me that I wasn't completely honest about my reason for stopping as abruptly as I did 10 months ago. What I told you was true as far as it went, but there's more. I haven't seen you in that long and this remains such a convoluted relationship.

Dear T,

Did I ever tell you about the book I was writing when I was working with ex T? I think I should start writing it again, because I am finally starting to believe that one day I might actually be able to finish it. The book is called 'My story of trust, trauma and triumph' and for the first time for a very long time (since ex T left) I can finally see that I am making real substantial progress towards the 'triumph' part. If you told me six months ago that by the end of the year I would have told you what I told you yesterday I would have said you were insane. And yet, I did tell you. And the world didn't end. I didn't spontaneously combust. We can still move forwards. What a way to end the year.And who knows, by this time next year I might even have uncovered and worked through some of the feelings I hope might be buried. I say hope because I think feeling the feelings (while not trying to pretend you don't exist - I'm still working on that one!) might be the true path to healing.

Its kinda weird that I'm seeing you in person on the 23rd. But I guess maybe some therapists work that day because the holidays are hard for some people.

Dear T,
It's different getting to see you next week on the 28th and then Jan 2nd. All my other therapist took 2 or 3 weeks off during the holidays. I am not used to having weekly sessions and it feels good. I also feel guilty for needing this type of help, after years of therapy.

I miss you. Why does it have to be this way.

Do you not have a life, because your sending emails and responding immediatly back to emails at 9PM on a Saturday?

I don't email you on weekends because I thought you had a work life balance.

Hi R,

Three days after impact, I would give anything to hear you say 'You're allowed to take more than one day to process this.'

This is cognitive, emotional and physical.

That work email shouldn't have taken this long.

Grief begs to be acknowledged...after all this time, I ought to know that.

I know that it isn’t a betrayal, but it certainly feels like one. You made a choice that benefits you but harms me. Even if you didn’t intend to harm me, it is still devastating. I can’t believe this is real.

Its funny that 2021-2023 I was like "I can't be alone on Christmas because of the IOP 2020 incident and how my transference T cut me off." And now this year I'm like "can you please cancel so I can just enjoy the holidays in peace."

Hi R,

I sent that work email, and I was honest with my colleague about what it took.
I also opened up about the level of impact Steve's birthday had on me physically.

I think my process next year is going to be about finding out what my spirituality feels like now.

My colleague said 'I don't want this to take anything else from you', which I thought was a beautiful blessing.

I'm a creative person, and I can't be afraid of my feelings.

Dear T,

Thanks for the nice, relaxed session just before your break. Yes, we were talking about tortilla and potato chips and Seinfeld, but I think it helped for the connection. You seemed to recognize that and went along with it, though we did discuss a bit of actual therapeutic stuff in there. Maybe you were glad to have a lighter session, too. And glad neither of us seemed to have any "airing of grievances" to do for Festivus.

I sorta wish I could get you a 1-oz. bag of the potato chips I mentioned so you could see the difference, but that could potentially be weird, so I won't.

I really do hope you have a good holiday and vacation. And that you're safe and healthy. I'll miss you. I'll see E one of the days, but have no idea how that will go. Glad you said you didn't care what I told her regarding you.

Love you,
LT

I wonder what you think about my desire to see the new therapist sooner than later instead of taking a break. I want you to facilitate the transfer paperwork more quickly and I don’t want you to reply to my email about it. I mean that. If I see your name in my inbox, it would kill me. It was hard enough to write to you.

Ghost,

There's nothing wrong with wanting continuity of care, or preferring that previous T would not reply to your email.

The important thing here is that you feel supported.

(We don't usually reply to posts here, but I wanted you to know this.)

Take care,

Lost

I still don't know if I want to see you or not. I can hear your voice in my head though, very clearly, suggesting that I ask for a dream to clear it up for me.