Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVIII

With my current T its like the song Bright Eyes and the part that goes "I'm glad I didn't die before I met you."

But I still kinda think of my transference T a bit at times and I think of the part in the song Wrecking Ball that goes
"Don't you ever say I just walked away."

Dear T,

I imagine you'd give my conversations with H tonight a B average--an A for some, a C for others. I tried.... Though at least he said he'd let me know if he was annoyed with me about not doing something around the house, rather than me wondering. And I think the discussion about writing was pretty good. OK, maybe a B-plus?

Love,
LT

Pdoc wants to do a full count bloodwork. Cool. So he can see all my messed up numbers and the stuff I've been hiding from him.

Hi R,

It still feels like too much for an email, but I want to reach out.
Two more sleeps.

Speak soon,

Lost

You will if you want to, you won’t if you don’t. Just like everyone else I guess. Why am I like this. What mantra do you think I should do to fix it.

Hi R,

Today's session was one of those where I felt like I was speaking a foreign language.
Usually I can trust you to translate, but I felt the distance, even though we were in the same room.

I found it uncomfortable when you said you felt that your cough had created a 'barrier' between us.

Hope it settles down soon.

Lost

Dear T,

I said you were likely accurate in a comment you made today, but I didn't want to say exactly *how* accurate. Yes, I wanted to "win you over." I think I have. Not sure whether you'd admit that or not. I mean, maybe you'd say all clients win you over right away. But I guess I mean something deeper than that, not just your "liking" me as a person, but your caring about me on a deeper level. I feel like that happened during the pandemic, if not before.

I don't think I can tell you that. Maybe it's enough that I feel it, that I feel the caring. You don't need to say it explicitly. (Maybe it says something about my therapy that I *am* able to feel it without your having to say it?)

OK, I need to try to write more about this.

Love,
LT

Hi R,

I guess I'm really grappling with the enormity of this...finally.
Steve was so many things to me...and now he's none of them.

There's a difference between not being able to stay in that space, and not being able to visit at all.

I don't think my support worker knew the impact it would have when she asked whether I'd heard any more about my 'friend' at the cathedral.

I couldn't explain.

Speak soon,

Lost

Dear T,

Wish we had like a double session tomorrow...glad this is a 3-session week.

Though wondering how you'll respond to the one thing....

Love,
LT

wow, missing a little over a week and STILL having 6 days to go has been rough . you haven’t taken any time off since december that i can think of, so obviously you deserve it, but i am struggling hard.

Hi R,

The 'countdown' started yesterday.
Four weeks to four years...four years of knowing, long after he left.

I wish this was as simple as 'I miss my friend'.

Seems that it's not, though.

Speak soon,

Lost

Dear T,

This hasn't exactly been the best M Day. Got a "shut up" twice from D (so far, though no "you're ugly" or "go away" yet). But she's also dealing with neighbor's passing, so trying to go easier on her. But H also left with her a bit ago with just a "see you later," when he says "love you" 99.5% of the time. Seeing my parents for dinner solo because D doesn't want to go. At least it's at a place I like that is laid back.

Sort of wishing this was a 3-session week, though I'm sure I could ask about that tomorrow, and you'd likely have some sort of opening, even if it meant two days in a row. Though I'm debating going to a show the one night, which would be therapeutic in its own way. Will see how I'm feeling tomorrow.

Love,
LT

My mom says I look like my cousin who has the same of my therapists son.

Dear T,

Happy Birthday!

Love,
LT

your time off last eons. i am too dependent, aren’t i? but i have no one else.

Hi R,

Thank you for reminding me that the work we're doing right now is courageous.
It feels so effing tender at the same time.

I may be 33, but little me still needs me.

Speak soon,

Lost

I had a dream where you worked at a Panera Bread in Georgia.

Hi R,

Tenderness tonight as I answered my mother's questions about the catfishing experience.
Made me miss Chris something fierce.

She gave me a taste of what Steve later allowed me to bask in.

It was wonderful to be loved so loudly.

Speak soon,

Lost

Dear T,

I knew I was wading into dangerous waters today, but I felt I had to discuss it at some point, as it's been floating around my brain. I'm good (for now at least) with the majority of what we discussed, but one part is particularly hitting me. But I don't think I can talk to you about it, as you'd likely just confirm it, and I'd really prefer to not hear you say, "No, I don't love you, even by your much, much broader definition of love."

But might it be important to talk about why that matters? Sorta wish I could have a session with R soon. Hopefully, she'll be around when you go away in late July/early August.


Love,
LT

You know the “C” in your office’s practice’s acronym? Doesn’t stand firm “center.” Stands for countries but without any type of plant.

Well,

It looks like we will be returning to a familiar theme that's showing up in new ways.
Who would have thought that my self care app would have a gut punch trigger this close to the June edition of Hell Week?

See you soon,

Lost

T, depending how my meeting goes tomorrow with my boss, you are going to be dealing with a hot mess. i am terrified of it.

Dear T,

Thanks for being so accepting and understanding today. If you could have been like that when this all came up 2.5 years ago (or whenever it was), that would have saved a lot of grief and stress. But, maybe you needed time to get there, to really understand? I don't know. Glad I brought it up today, despite my fears. Helped that you seemed to encourage me to talk about it.

Love,
LT

Do you miss me? Do you remember me?

Well...do you?




do you?

I just want to have fun meaningless sex with someone I don’t know. But I’m dreaming about being close and uncomfortably intimate with people that I do know. Why is that? What’s wrong with me now?