Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVIII

Dear T,

What you said today, that you're impressed I'm still trying to accomplish this thing--that really means a lot. It's the kind of support I need.

You could have just turned it back on me, when I said you were probably thinking, "Oh, this again, LT?" with an eye roll. You could have said, "Are you sure it's not you thinking that?" That would be the stereotypical therapist thing to do. But instead, you said what you did. And one positive side to your sometimes-brutal honesty is that I know you wouldn't lie about that sort of thing.

I did meet my post-session goal today. Well, I guess two of them, as we also talked about the other thing briefly. I'm trying!

Love,
LT

Dear T,

Also, I think something from a Law & Order episode, of all things, has given me this new insight into paternal (and maternal) transference. I'm writing about it, trying to figure it out. I think I'll wait til it's more fully baked, as you'd say, to share it in session.

Love,
LT

Hi R,

Thank you so much for the depth of your understanding today.

'Are you seeing these parallels?' was a bit much...sorry about that.

I trust that you are aware of these things, even if you don't acknowledge them aloud.

It's hard to reconstruct my entire spiritual way of life.

Feeling really drained now.

Looking forward to speaking with you next week.

Love,

Lost

Dear T,

Dear T, Thank you for listening and assuring me that I can see you as long as it takes, even if it's for a few years. I am having flash backs and will probably write to you in chat tomorrow. I still miss my old T and thank you for listening there was allot of things in the relationship that where wrong. I still have night mares from mental health.

how on earth has this happened TWICE in one week. and both times have been nearby. the world is terrifying.

I asked you how you felt about Michelle Tracthtenberg and you were all like "OMG" I'm glad you know the same pop culture that I do. It makes things more relatable.

I’m so desperate for anything and everything from you. Every second. Every word. Every touch.

You have object constancy and a secure attachment. I do not. You don’t know what it’s like to suffer this way.

But I do believe you understand the fear of loss. I could lose you, you could lose me. You’re trusting me to use my coping skills, I’m trusting you to come back. But in that time waiting and hoping, I’m the one suffering.

I really do think you are psychic. Sometimes.

Dear Ex T,

I probably shouldn't have sent that message. Not like that. In the moment I was drowning and was looking for a life ring. Not the right reason to reach out, and I'm sorry for that. I don't want to expect that from you. You aren't that person to me anymore, I understand that. I probably should have reached out to someone else for that support, but I didn't know who to turn to in that moment.

Life's been pretty tough the last couple of months. Just as I was really getting somewhere with verbally telling my story (something I doubted I would ever be able to do) my therapist has taken two months off work and I've been struggling somewhat. I'm not expecting you to do anything about that, but I guess I just wanted to explain.

I have more to say, but I think that is all for right now.

Dear T,

You've really gotten good at apologies. Did you take a continuing ed class called "how to admit responsibility and apologize to your clients when you f'ed up" or something? And I'm glad you realize you messed up by bringing that up right at the end of a session, on a Friday, no less.

Love,
LT

Hi R,

I am still in some level of disbelief over the news from the cathedral.
Not that I doubt the information itself, but at the impact that it's having on me.

Almost nine years ago, P became interested when I mentioned my father for the first time.

Hands on her knees, leaning forward...leaning in.

I didn't want to do that work then, and goodness knows I don't want to do it now...but I understand the pattern you pointed out.

I'm still in the midst of figuring out life in the aftermath of Steve's death.



I guess we need to talk about this more.

Lost

I dunno why I was blushing. I’m sure I stink of coffee and smoke but I didn’t really think about it until we got close. I know you are too polite to say anything. Anyway I’m trying not to be aggressive with myself 😬

It's all so close to the surface.

I did a mindfulness meditation workshop this afternoon, and ended up crying during the meditation.

I know the feelings have to be released...I'd just rather it was predictable.

Hey New Therapist. Your time off has been super inconvenient to me! I know it's not personal...right? (That was a joke.) Anyway, we have yet to have a conversation about email. So I don't fully know your boundaries around this yet. I emailed you regarding a scheduling issue and then the reason for the scheduling issue--a Big Deal thing. I also acknowledged that we hadn't had our email conversation yet but I hoped that this was an okay thing. You wrote back about the scheduling issue, and said that scheduling issues were perfectly fine to do by email, but said NOTHING about the Big Deal reason why I had the issue. WHY? WTF? Old Therapist would definitely have at least addressed it and said "we can talk more in session" or whatever. But you didn't. WHY. So now I need to talk to you about this when we meet again. I called the EAP today to see if there was some way of talking to someone short term to tide me over but the way the guy on the phone explained it made me think that's not what the EAP service is for and I got nervous and said never mind and hung up. And now I want to cry at my desk. I miss Old Therapist so much!

I had this weird thought today and I was thinking "why didn't we discuss this back then? Oh yeah I wasn't working with you in 2020 I was working with my transference T"

I know I said that was one of the hardest things to get over. But I can't remember how it felt when I missed her. She really was just another story to tell.

Hi R,

Thanks for letting me borrow your strength today...at least that's what it felt like.

You're right about the stark contrast in feeling deeply heard versus 'him' not answering the phone.

I'm sure you've figured this out, but I think it all plays into my difficulty in asking for help.

It's...helpful to feel like you're in this with me.

Speak soon.

Love,

Lost

Dear T,

I didn't sleep much last night. I'm in a pretty negative headspace right now. I understand and appreciate one point you were trying to make yesterday. But the other side of that is: I need to have that hope about her. It's one of few things keeping me going....

I'm tempted to ask you about tomorrow, but I Imagine you won't have anything, as you only work a few slots on Sundays anyway (though I may end up asking, we'll see). And I just emailed last Friday (though that was on a totally different topic), so I don't want to do that. I'll just do my best to manage until Monday.

Love,
LT

You said "I saw this commercial the other day and I immediatly thought of you."

Don't you have a work life balance or something?

Hi R,

Looking forward to picking up our conversation in a couple of days.
The weekend was rough because of a couple of triggers.

One was so effing specific...

See you soon,

Lost

Hi R,

Thanks for your support today.
I had so much to talk about that I don't feel I got much from the session.

The father wound stuff is really important, the sense of shock (over Steve's death) seems to be coming from Little Lost...which feels weird, because 30-something Lost actually experienced the loss of Steve.

I feel frustrated now when I see members of clergy on TV.

All this hurts.

I want to email, but we only spoke today.

I'm not sure whether it's an email or a session conversation.

Lost

I kinda miss you right now and I want to see you. I don't miss you between sessions. Its a weird feeling.

Its like the feeling I would get when I would think of my transference T. But I see you on Thursday....

Idk why my phone didn't ding saying you emailed me over an hour ago. I didn't mention missing you. Just what was going on.

Hi R,

Thank you for your reassurance that it's OK to sit in it before I try to write about it.

I've spent part of this afternoon tinkering with yet another version of the essay I'm trying to write about the role that the tree has played in my grief for Steve.

Three drafts now, and I'm nowhere near where I want to be.

Looking forward to sharing my other news with you - briefly - on Tuesday.

See you soon,

Lost

Dear T,

Meeting with you virtually outside your house felt weird. Could you have maybe given me a heads up about it first? I mean, you asked at the start of session if it was OK, but what if I'd said no? I assume there was a reason you weren't inside your house. I sort of wish now that I'd just opted for in person, even if I was a bit under the weather.

The stuff near the end felt weird, too. Though maybe that was partly from your caring about me? I don't know. I just feel rather disconnected now, but I don't want to email, as I presume you're going out of town, though of course you wouldn't say. Maybe I'll journal and save it for Monday.

On the positive side, I did end up going for a walk, spurred in part by you and H. And I'm doing an online writing workshop thing tonight (hoping I won't need to talk though!) So, I'm trying! (Maybe less so today on the one topic, but ah well.)

Love,
LT

Dear T,

Wish I could talk to you about a thing with my parents right now. (H probably wishes that, too, so he wouldn't have had to hear about all of it!) I really do fear exploding at them at some point...Maybe we need to talk more Monday about this, assuming I haven't already gone too far in asking my dad about something. Waiting on responding to my mom.

I mean, I guess it is his birthday tomorrow, but I wasn't aware of him being some huge college basketball fan (football, yes; basketball, no). And what if *I* wanted to watch the games? (This has happened with NFL games before, when they *know* I'm a fan). I had a plan on how it could work to spend a bit of time with him on his birthday, but I guess maybe, at least according to my mom, it's not acceptable.

Sigh...

Miss you, and the fact that I felt disconnected from you in session yesterday doesn't help. I wouldn't email you over this though, unless there ends up being some big blowup. I think my text to my dad was OK.

Love,
LT

Hey, LT, my dad was the first flower of spring, too!