Struggling with my therapist's pregnancy Part 2

Well, I'm going to try. My heart might be bleeding all over this, but it's also my desire.

Here's my goal for her blanket (no guarantees!):

Hugs, Scarlet...

Sending safe hugs, Scarlet.

Hugs, I’m so sorry this is so painful for you, Scarlett.

Finding out it's a girl hit me on so many levels. 1.The grief that I can never have my dream of having a little girl. 2. It broke the fantasy that I could be L's little girl. Now she'll have a real daughter. I know. #2 is probably pathetic. But it's truth. I had a in-person and phone session with her Friday where I just broke down in grief. Those two things are my deepest issues: never being a mom and never having a loving mom. L thinks it's finally time to work on these two things. Maybe she's right. And maybe she is the right person to do this work with. But I need to forgive her in order to trust her. How do I do that? Just choose to? Or just commit without complete closure?

Thats why they say its a process. If you want to acquire a skill, you have to recommit to practicing it. Trust isnt a decision - its acquired in the doing.

Una, I think I'm understanding. In order to trust, I have to go through it, not sit back and wait for it to miraculously happen.

I'm so sorry, Scarlet.

As you said to me a few days ago, 'Your feelings are valid.'
Now that L is going to have a daughter, reality has set in for you...and that is hard.

I hope you can find a way to trust L that feels comfortable for you.

Hugs,

Lost

Now that im looking at it again - when i hit bottom, i did tell myself to remember this moment the next time i think i cannot say a thing, to remember what that inability cost me.

I keep thinking, here at 430 in the morning, trust is like singing a song. You commit to singing it, but then you actually sing it.

Also, trust is not a singular or absolute experience. For example, you might trust her to observe confidentiality, but you might not trust her to observe another kind of boundary. Or, a part of you might trust her solidity and another part might experience her as unstable. I find that sifting through these nuances and contradictions can be really illuminating, to look in detail about the meaning and sense (including felt sense) of things.

I'm so sorry, Scarlet. I don't think either of those are pathetic.

I'm wondering about your feeling that you need to forgive her in order to trust her. Could you consider trusting her without the forgiveness? Or could it involve coming to a place of acceptance rather than true forgiveness?

I'm just thinking that for my own therapy, there are a few things that I'm not sure I could fully forgive Dr. T for. Yet, for whatever reason, I have continued to trust him. Maybe not with every single one of my thoughts or feelings, but in general.

In a way, even though I'm sure it will be extremely painful, this seems like a good opportunity to address things about your mother. You'll be able to access the emotions because what's happening with L is bringing them out of you. I guess the question is whether she can help you process them and whether the pain will be bearable for you (in terms of being able to stay safe, for example).

Part of why I'm saying that is from my own experience. Dr. T's move dredged up a lot of stuff in me, and though it was very difficult and painful at times, it seems we ended up working through quite a bit of stuff in the process, both between him and me and from my past. So maybe this is an opportunity for you with L.

That makes sense, Comrade. L always gives the example that I can't trust her to be my plumber. I've been thinking of it in all or nothing. But I have to have some level of trust to still be here with her. I think that would actually make a good session: how I do trust her and how I don't because I actually don't have a definitive answer. Only thing that comes to mind is that I can no longer trust her family planning methods. But like I know I can trust her with honesty first. She has proven I can trust that over and over again.

LT, after a lot of thinking, I believe you are right: that I can trust her and not forgive her. And that I need acceptance, not forgiveness to move forward. I still want to get to a place where I can fully forgive her. I think that I can come to terms with what happened, feel grace for her humanness, and have acceptance and understanding. To not feel like I'm holding this against her, judging her, and being critical. I think like Una said for trust will be the same for forgiveness. I have to go through it.

But you might be right in that I might not be able to fully forgive L. Least not in all the ways I used to. She said that normally I see myself as "one down", but after this, I see her as "one down". And my system doesn't know what to do with that.

Yes. I am finally starting to open up about my mother. I haven't dealt with her for over 20 years. Actually, I haven't dealt much with either parent's neglect, not directly at least. My system has been flooding since the loss of the fantasy that I could be her daughter. I'm having problems holding it together.

So as you know L and I have an honesty first policy. Well, I lied to her today. It was a small and good lie, but still I don't like it. She wanted me to buy yarn to start crocheting again. I said maybe I could do that... But I have already bought the yarn for her project. I want to surprise her with the blanket, so I lied. However, I did admit that I lied to her, but I told her I couldn't tell her, not yet. We were laughing, so I hope she knows it's a good thing.

Also, I decided to choose to continue my healing journey with L. A real commitment to stay with her. All of you helped me with considering everything. Honestly, I think I already chose it, I just wasn't ready to commit. I think I am accepting what happened. It is what it is, there's no fixing it, can't turn back time, and she didn't do it maliciously or intentionally even. I don't forgive her. And we are not repaired, but I want to work on it and I want to continue my own journey as well. I believe she is the one to help me with my two griefs.

Today, we talked about how she holds me in her heart, how our relationship is unique and how I know some parts of her that other people don't know. She said that our transference is what allows us to do the work. She said she's also going to help me feel more confident in myself so that I don't feel addicted to her.

That sounds amazing Scarlet ❤️

Hugs Scarlet. I am so happy to hear you are still with L. I know it's tough. It really sounds like your therapist cares deep down about you. Hugs

I'm happy with my decision to stay, but there's a lot of work going forward: both my own and my relationship with her.

She's held hope the entire time. She likes quoting T that when two messy people show up and own their parts, that's when relationships grow (or something like that). I threw a lot at her: anger, rage, hate, and more and she took it all. She cried with me. She only showed me kindness. I know she's showing up, owning her part, and trying. If I acted the way I did with anyone else, they would have left me. So I know she cares and loves me. Just going forward, I'll be more prepared for her getting pregnant at any time because I really don't trust her in this area.

(And if the government takes away birth control...we're both screwed).

Today, at the end of session, I asked her if she thinks I'll ever find the joy. She said yes, but it will take time. And it will take working on my griefs and accepting the both/and of the situation.

Ever since I found out it's a little girl, I've become more accepting of her. Like she's real now, a real little baby. And as much as the gender hurts me, I'm also glad for L it's a girl. I wanted that for her.

I think I'm also realizing that my issue isn't with the baby herself. It's the pregnancy and not being prepared even though she said she'd prepare me. And I think making the blanket will help me more with accepting her. I don't feel the joy or excitement yet, but I think love and acceptance is a good start.

That sounds encouraging, Scarlet. Seems like you're moving closer to acceptance. Not that you may ever fully accept it, and if not, that's OK.

Just an update. I was doing really good for awhile there. But a few days ago, all the betrayal feelings popped back in my head. There was no trigger of any kind. I don't know where I'm at anymore.

I am starting to feel defeated and beaten up. Every time I get upset about something, she defends herself, provides evidence of how I am the one who is wrong, and it leaves me feeling like I'm really sick and f'ed up. She's constantly turning things around and it's just starting to feel hopeless. Like my reality is not actual reality. And that's scary.

I'm unsettled to read that she 'provides evidence' of how you are wrong.

Your feelings are your feelings, and they can't be wrong, because they're yours.

I keep hoping that there will be a path through this where you can restore your relationship with her.

I agree with all this.

I'm sorry, Scarlet

I should provide an example: we text each other every morning when we take ours meds. This all started because I couldn't remember my meds even with an alarm. It has been working. I haven't missed my meds since. But over the vacation, she said she would not initiate the texts because she couldn't be consistent. This I didn't understand (still don't) because I always assumed that we would just text whoever happened to be first. I told her it hurt that she didn't do the texts with me. She said "Oh, but SP I did text you. Every morning in response to yours." Then she was looking at her texts and found one day she didn't. But I thought she wasn't engaging with me. At least not how we normally do (with her stating when she took her meds and with a bunch of emojis). And her providing the text, reading them to me, proving she was right... I just feel frustrated with myself and with her for once again being right. She says it's not about right or wrong, but it sure feels that way when she defends herself. But she has a right to when I do not have the correct pieces of information.

There are so many examples of this happening. Another thing with texting: "But SP, I texted you every day [while on vacation]. I don't do that with other people".

It's always me. I'm the one that isn't holding reality. And it's just makes me feel really mentally sick.