Struggling with my therapist's pregnancy Part 2

I am worse than I've ever been, huh? So reactive and so dependent. I'm probably worse than when I was with ex-T. L says something like it's because we're going deeper into trauma. I don't know. That's a lie. I know what I'm doing, I just don't want the consequences of changing it.

I'm sorry, Scarlet.

You are going deeper into trauma, and you can't walk away from it.
Each session brings you closer to the point where you're going to 'lose' L for a while...and that scares you, because it feels like there's a possibility it will be permanent.

When everything is close to the surface, it feels worse.
That means it's even more important to offer yourself (and your nervous system) a break from being activated by being around Pregnant L.

TW for comment on pregnancy



The unfortunate fact is that the absence of that connection hurts more.

What other kinds of connection do you have in your life, away from therapy?

I am so sorry this is so painful. I can relate to feeling dependent on therapist it's so hard and painful. I was scared of losing my trauma therapist and even though I have a different therapist I still feel attached to my trauma therapist. It's real the relationship. I hope that your therapist will keep working with you on this. In no way am I suggesting you leave your therapist, I'm sharing my experience. I think her being pregnant and be afraid she wont be around is scaring you. All your feelings are valid. Hugs

While feelings may be valid as such -they are not facts - so you can feel mad or sad or whatever -but the interpretation or beliefs around those feelings are not necessarily born out by the facts. And acting on feelings without regard to the actual facts - is usually not helpful in the long run from what I have seen.

Lost,
I don't have too many connections in this life. I have H and my mom and stepdad. I have a family friend. And I have these forums and a fb group I read a lot. I keep my circle small because I'm too scared and confused about real friendships. Like here I can be completely open and honest. And most the time, I'm excepted. I doubt having a friend outside of online would put up with me. My whole life, since 13, has revolved around therapy. So I just don't know how to function outside of it.

I do need a break. I figure L's maternity leave will force a break. But maybe not. I think she's offering text and email contact during her leave. No sessions or phone calls. I'm so reactive and triggered by her. I'm just stuck.

Thanks, Taylor. My pdoc today even said my relationship with L is codependent. She said I'm allergic to L. I corrected her and said I'm addicted.

I am definitely scared of being without her. If I continually struggle with her vacations, I'm scared of the struggle during her leave. But as others have pointed out, I did survive the last leave. This leave is scarier because there is no backup therapist. T in emergencies, but not a weekly therapist.

SD, yes, I think that's why I keep struggling with my reactivity and differences in reality: I'm basing my reaction off of feelings, not facts.

I am so sorry this is a struggle for you. I know when my therapist went on leave for awhile it was okay. But a few months in it felt like everything was overwhelming and I had to get some online texting therapy. Well that helped a little until my abandonment issues really started to rear it's ugly head. Now I'm with a therapist on better help who does phone or video. Is it your choice to not have a back up therapist? Do you think if things got really tough you would reconsider for the short term until L is able to have sessions again.

It's sort of my choice. L is out of network with my insurance. If I find someone in network, they will no longer cover L when she gets back. So if I find another therapist, it will have to be out of pocket and sliding scale. And I'm not sure I'll be able to afford a therapist even sliding scale. Last year, the insurance approved a therapist in L's practice, but it didn't work out. Now I don't think anyone in her practice will take me. And I can't afford T weekly even on her sliding scale. Like the most I can afford would be $60 a week.

I would like a weekly therapist while L is in leave. I just don't see that happening.

If you are going into trauma work with unsafe boundaries (which she is aware of being unethical), it is no wonder that you are dysregulated. It is not possible to do safe trauma work with unsafe boundaries. Has she got a supervisor? Who else has eyes on her unprofessional practice?

Before my last therapy I was getting addicted to everyone.. I couldn't listen to others about it not being helpful becuse I was getting what I thought I desired..I don't think I can get addicted to anyone now becuse those early yearnings were met in professional therapy... If your lucky and finely get a proper therapist you'll look back on all the ones along the way and smile knowing they weren't who we built them up to be.. And life is much less painful..

I think the "getting what you think you desire" aspect is really important. Of course you want the level of attention and engagement which you get from her because that is exactly what you have missed out on in your development. Of course it feels like it's therapeutic because you are experiencing something like love. The sad and painful truth is that it's fool's gold. Deep therapeutic work is hallmarked by integrity, safety, boundaries, ethics, etc etc: all the things which she has said she knows she is lacking to such an extent that she would lose her license. Mind blowingly stupid and without care on her behalf.

Now I understand. I don't agree with how the insurance works at times. It's so hard to get therapy without it costing so much. It's tough. I am paying $86 a week on better help. If I was to see someone local here it would be $200 and up. Sliding scales would only cover 7 sessions. My disability wont cover mental health.

Great news!!! L has been talking to T. T has agreed to try to do a singlr case agreement with my insurance so I can see her during the leave. Maybe being back with T again will help stabalize me? I'm not exactly sure if I can fill up an hour talking to her because she is so direct and to the point. But having T be the interim therapist would be ideal. Let's hope the insurance approves!

Keeping my fingers crossed for you, Scarlet.

Maybe T being direct might mean that you actually cover more ground while L is on leave?

Just a thought.

Shouldn't be up to you to fill the time, either.

Hugs,

Lost

Glad to hear that, Scarlet! Fingers crossed that it all works out...

I am really happy for you. I hope everything works out so that you can see you can see T while L is on leave. I think that will be good for you to have the support. I hope the insurance will help.

Things are so bad that I'm finally leaning towards quitting... for good.

I'm so sorry, Scarlet.

This is an awful time of year to be in such a difficult position.

I hope you will be kind to yourself in this process.

So sorry, Scarlet... Is it possible to switch to seeing T now maybe?

I did talk to T today. Called her right away and she got back to me fairly quickly. I'm doing so bad that I couldn't even verbalize what's going on. But she told me that I need to ask L to initiate things more. And gave me a document to help open conversation about repair in a relationship. And she said it sounds like I'm still holding resentment and it's a hard emotion to work through. I wish I could have explained myself better. I can't even explain myself now to you all. I just know that L is hurting me and is leaving me with no support during her vacation. I'm so close to hospitalization and she's not helping. I hung up on her today. H talked to her today again. I sat in, though we didn't tell her. H took up part of the time for his own therapy... For someone who hates and doesn't understand therapy, he sure talked a lot about his work problems. I personally don't feel like any progress was made. Maybe needing an updated safety plan that everyone has access to. But as far as L helping me, I don't think she understands. I mean H is helping me more than L and anyone who remembers anything about my H knows that's sad. He actually has been mostly helpful.

H thinks I don't need therapy anymore. That it's just triggering me and making me worse. I'm starting to see that. Maybe I'm struggling because of therapy. Maybe without it, I might actually be okay. Maybe I don't even need T except for backup/emergencies. Is rehashing the past actually healing? Or is it just torture?

I just know my SI is horrible, I've been nauseous for over a week, my meds aren't helping, Ls not helping, and now it's Christmas vacation and I'm alone.

I remember those times.. The holiday breaks... The first 3yrs with T were the worse.. Thoughts of how could she do this to me!!!!!!... Therapy over the years allowed me get to know me.. All my internal states to the point I couldn't feel alone anymore.. There I was.. Oh I'd tried the hospilisation routes.. That makess you feel more lonely... With functional therapy the getting to understand who you are is the only way through... Or else you're spinning for life..

Hugs, Scarlet. I'm so very sorry you're going through all of this.

Big hugs Scarlet that's very hard and I'm so sorry things are so difficult for you. I have no advice. I just wanted to let you know that I'm sitting with you. I hope you are feeling better today Hugs

Sorry you are struggling Scarlet ❤️ I hate being alone over Christmas break too
I was so glad to read you might get to see T weekly when L goes on leave. Hoping that will work out for you