Struggling with my therapist's pregnancy Part 2

How are you coping? I've been away for a long time. I used to be hugely impressed by L way back, but not anymore, after reading this thread. I'm sorry you're going through this.

Welcome back, corbie! To be honest, I’m not coping well. She’s known her leave dates for a month now, but there’s been too much going on that she hasn’t told me yet. She’s 6 months pregnant and she’s still trying to physically hide her pregnancy from me to help me not be triggered.. We’ve been mostly dealing with my crises and SI more so than her pregnancy. We had a joint session with H today about how to help H help me cope. It went well except I had an individual session with her after that and she went into my session time without being able to make it up. Then we wasted the session on being upset that I got 15 minutes less time. There’s just not enough time. And if I stay, we will be wasting our time on this for years to come. Plus she wants two more kids… I need some peace in my life.

I have a very scary lawsuit coming up February 18th. I will need her support during that and whatever the results are. I don’t know how I’m supposed to deal with that, her, and life.

Hugs, Scarlet...that all sounds so difficult.

March 10th is when she leaves unless something else happens. June 23rd is when she comes back.

Does knowing the dates make it easier or harder?

I'm not actually sure. I don't think I feel any different knowing the dates. Maybe a little more numb? I do feel like my time is so limited. But I think the baby will come early, so the leave dates don't really matter if that happens.

The time ie daylight will be changing at the fastest rate during her leave, so at least there will be the impression of "time flying". Unlike around xmas, where its like the sun literally stands still. I was wondering (waiting and hoping) when daylight saving starts and your post highlighted it for me. I always hated - kinda skipped - spring because all the family stuff that needed to be "celebrated" was just so stressful to me, that in the past few years i have been able to reclaim it as a found quarter.

I guess im saying, i hope you can put parentheses around it, and whats in the parentheses squishes up quickly.

I gave the baby a present yesterday. It was a special stuffed animal that represents mine and L’s relationship. We both cried.

It’s so hard being with her, looking at her. She can’t hide it anymore. It really affects me. Reminds me of everything that has happened and my two biggest griefs. I hate seeing her. But if I don’t do in-person, that’s just another thing taken away from me.

L and I are both okay and not okay. We’re mostly getting along, but we have lots of “hiccups” still. I, personally, have regressed in my coping skills. When things do happen, I’m struggling to use my coping skills and to communicate effectively. Like it’s bad. I feel so disappointed in myself. And I’m still upset because I still have a lot of feelings about this whole thing. I’m still not where I want to be. L says this will take time to work through. Great. I’m supposed to be healing from trauma with her, not being retraumatized.

H and I talked again today about how unhealthy my relationship with her is. We talked about how I’m addicted. We compared it to other therapeutic relationships I’ve been in. Yes, I almost always get attached, but this is somehow worse.

Please don’t comment on this, I’m just honestly expressing myself: I wonder if ex-T left me because of my attachment? As a way to help me? Maybe we were becoming unhealthy? I don’t remember, but it’s a theory. The way she did it was still abandonment and still inappropriate.

L has to take off all of next weekend. Just more time/things she’s taking away from me. Part of me wants out of it now. Just get it over with. Just stop suffering. Only 9 more sessions.

Well, L just accused me of threatening her… I guess this is how it ends.

Oh my gosh, Scarlet.

I'm so sorry.
I would not blame you if you wanted to stop therapy with L at this point.

I'm so sorry, Scarlet. Hugs, if wanted. I'm sure that was extremely painful to hear.

I hope you can work through it in some way before her leave. And if you do opt to end, that you can at least have a better ending. Take care of yourself.

I'm sorry you're dealing with this. Did you say you managed to arrange therapy with someone else while L is on leave? And do I recall correctly that this someone (T?) is a colleague of L? How much does she know about the stuff that's going on between you and L? It does sound like you need to get out of that relationship, and L going on leave might be a good opportunity for that, and I wonder if this T can help with that.

Your relationship with L always reminded me of my ex-T, except it used to sound like it might succeed where ours failed, and now it sounds like it did not. And nothing in this or following is intended as making comparisons, it's just here to make it clear where I'm coming from ... so you know how many grains of salt you need to take with what I say. My impression was that L was taking on a lot and that it was dangerous (meaning, this level of involvement with a client must be taking out a lot of her as a therapist, even if you're her only client she's going this far with), but I thought there was a good chance that L knew what she was doing and it came across as though she was keeping a good-enough balance between involved and professional. That might have been wishful thinking even back then. The difference that stood out the most was how L was mostly(?) willing to listen to you, hold and validate your feelings even when she was the one causing hurt, whereas xT immediately went on the defensive. She was also unwilling to accommodate (or even hear, it felt like) any requests I made to allow me to feel safer with her. And I believe her when she said she was doing her best, and I was doing my best too and none of it was good enough, ruptures were happening faster than we could even begin to repair them, it was mutually toxic and re-traumatising for me. I think what basically happened was that xT reached her limits but failed/refused to acknowledge it. And I get similar vibes from L. Feels like she sincerely wants to be there for you, values your relationship deeply, but at the same time wants out of it, yet not ready to admit that. She's trying, she still manages to connect with you sometimes, but too often (increasingly often?) she gets defensive and all degrees of inappropriate. And I'm not surprised either, what she was trying with you is very demanding (and risky) to begin with, and having a baby is reportedly very taxing, and a second one on the way is unlikely to improve things (let alone when it's born). And that's not to say it's OK, the way she handles this, it very much isn't. As difficult as it must be, it'd still be her responsibility to recognise how unlikely this is to get better and to make sure you get out of it as intact as possible.

SO I think when you said (some time ago, I skimmed through the whole thread in one go so not sure how far back) you have to grieve for the L who was safe and reliable, you were right. She was probably also technically correct in saying that she's still the same she always was, but that must have been one of those times her defensiveness got the better of her - she very clearly can't be / isn't the same with you and you do need to mourn that. But L might not be the best person to do that mourning with. That's why I was thinking that if your T and L are both willing and able to work with you and each other, it might be a good idea to use both of their help.

I posted without reading all the way to the end of the thread, and so I detracted my post. Excuse the interruption

We are trying to get insurance to approve T for a single case agreement. She put in her request Friday? And I think it can take up to two weeks to decide. Though if I remember last time, they denied us fairly quickly. But we’re all prepared for a denial.

I hope I can have T. I don’t know what I would work with her about. Maybe my relationship with L? Figuring out what’s best for me?

T is not a colleague of L’s. They actually barely know each other. When T went on her maternity leave, she found me this guy therapist. He referred me to L. I started seeing T 10 years ago in April. I saw her weekly for 2 years and then we weaned down to every other week. She wanted me to see her even less, but I was struggling every time we tried. I have kept in contact with T with monthly update emails for the last 6 years. She’s my backup therapist. T is very direct and straightforward. She’ll always tell it like it is. I think it will be good for me to be with her again even if it’s only for the short time.

I think L is in denial about a lot of things. AND I’m so addicted and attached and clingy.

You know my biggest fear? Is the day she realizes we’re unhealthy and leaves me.

Oh so it hasn't gone through yet. Fingers crossed. Yeah I think discussing your relationship with L would be a good idea. This is an extremely tough situation to be in, you need and deserve quality support in dealing with it.

Are you familiar with the concept of trauma bonding? I don't know if that's what's going on between you and L, it was certainly the case with me and xT. It literally is addictive, that's why it's so difficult to leave.

I am not familiar with the concept of trauma bonding, but it has been mentioned to me before. I just googled it and AI said:I do feel stuck and powerless. I have been struggling trusting her. I do defend her and our relationship against pretty much everyone. And I do feel there’s an imbalance of power (but I feel that that imbalance is also my fault, not just hers). However, I really don’t focus on the good parts of the relationship. Quite the opposite. And I’m not sure there’s inconsistent affection and care. Maybe? I don’t think she uses it against me except for convincing me to stay. So I don’t know if I have trauma bonding with L. Definitely parts. I’m not too familiar with codependency, but that has been suggested to me too. I’ve told L that I feel she can sometimes be abusive. I think her response was something like that she works really hard to not be abusive and repeat what others have done for me.

L still feels that I was threatening… But she’s agreed going forward she won’t use that word. I told her it’s a severe word, at least to me. It means to harm for me. She could have used so many other words: manipulate, test, control. Still none of which I think applied to this situation. But to threaten? She also could have said she “felt” that way instead of saying I was doing that. And she could have checked in if her feelings were accurate instead of accusing me. Isn’t this stuff they’re supposed to teach you and help you with??? I guess we’re okay? She apologized for hurting me with her words. It just another thing that will forever sting.

Hugs, Scarlet. Can I ask what context she used it in, like what she said? Feel free to PM if you don't want to put it here. I agree that the word "threatening" is a loaded term that involves intent. And that it would have been better for her to have said something like, "it feels like you're threatening me. Is that how you mean [whatever you said]"?

Just thinking of how there was a time years ago with Dr. T where I said something I wanted from him involving reassurance and that if he couldn't give it to me, I'd find another therapist who would. And he said he saw that as a threat and manipulative. That if I want to leave, just leave, don't threaten to do so. Or something like that. it really bothered me (shortly after that, I did leave for a bit). At the time, I was in pain and just wanted his support. I wasn't actively trying to manipulate him.

So I'm curious as to whether she meant it in a sense like that. Or something else. And if you're not comfortable sharing at all, I completely understand that, too. I'm glad she did apologize at least.

I dont know what you said that she found threatening, but by the same token, did you say it as "you felt like doing whatever" or that you WERE gonna. Altho, if it were me, i would be like, if i SAY it, then im sharing my feeling, cuz i would not tell you if i were actually gonna do it duh!

I think the wording AI came up is a bit off. It's not so much a matter of focus (or it wasn't for me), but thinking of the good as the 'real' relationship and the bad as something that can be either fixed (and once we do that, only the good remains, isn't that going to be glorious?! lol. ugh.) or excused (because it's not their fault, it's my fault, even, it shouldn't be such a big deal really ... and any number of similar thoughts).
Sounds like it, to me. Maybe not affection and care, but the extent to which she can act in a therapeutic way. I think this incident with her accusing you of threatening her is that sort of thing. It was hurtful, I'm pretty sure it was therapeutically wrong in multiple ways, and it's good that she at least apologised, but, as you say, it will still continue to sting. Frankly, with xT, it wasn't so much that she did/said horrible things most of the time, it was the unrepaired and undiscussed rupture(s) and feeling unseen and insignificant as a consequence. With small releases every now and then, when it looked like we finally start communicating, only for it to turn out to be a false hope.

Mind you, I'm not trying to convince you either way, this is just my experience. Actually, this (and I guess co-dependency, which I'm not too familiar with either) might be things worth asking your T about. She should be able to look at it objectively and with deeper understanding of the issue.

Please be kind. I’m putting this out there to be transparent. I already know my communication is ineffective. I’m completely failing. I’ve regressed and feel a lot of shame. I’ve been trying to be direct and not shut down. Yesterday just got the best of me.

The context: I was hurting because she’s taking off the whole next weekend. She offered a phone call. My dumb ***, instead of just saying yes said that she would call me if she cared. For that, she felt threatened.

I said:
She said this:
That’s the gist of it. I do not feel I was threatening. That wasn’t my intention. I never believed she would call me on her own without me asking. That’s our pattern: I ask, she calls. I don’t ask, she doesn’t call. It’s been that way for 6 years. She could have said her usual: “Do you want a phone call?” or “Do you need help?” or “Do you need care?”. That’s her usual. That’s what I was expecting.

Instead, she writes this and then calls me:
I don’t know anymore what to do. Even if I somehow did come across as threatening, there are so many ways she could have reacted. She’s the therapist. Shouldn’t she be better at communication herself? And she should know my core by now. That I would never intentionally threaten. I don’t want to harm her or control her. I don’t wish bad for her. That’s not me. Hell, even after what my dad and sister did to me, I wish no harm on them either.

This is just another rupture. I don’t know what number. It does sting really bad. One more added to the pile. One more thing that won’t get resolved.

Oh. I see it as she said you were threatening the frame. So yeah, you were getting a little pouty. Threatening rain. Threatening to have an uncontrolled emotion? God its like slicing a truffle mushroom.

Thanks for sharing, Scarlet. I really don't see what's threatening about what you said to her, why she would interpret it that way.

I think she reacted fine according to what you wrote.. Maybe she could have said let's explore why you feel I don't care if I don't initiate a call.... I don't feel it's threatening from what you wrote but it 'feels' manipulative... Looking at times in your life where you've had to barter to get what you think you needed would be helpful too.. But a T has to hold the framework to hold the client