Couch 251: The Matrix Recovered

Mine was a bit less directive. She may have thought that, but it was more a campaign of wearing me down by pointing out the economic/logistical benefit and engaging friends who have already moved to reinforce those notions. I am not much of a romantic although I can be sentimental. I think we made the plans right after her concerted effort to convince me she would be unable to pull the plug on me should I become hospitalized. Playing on my biggest fear of being kept alive and trapped by western medical practitioners - I capitulated and here we are. The wedding itself was not unlike Brooklyn 99's first wedding between Holt and Kevin. I, too, wished the officiant had been more efficient.

It was an implied contra contra factual. I understood it perfectly.

baby steps

I think she is more like a herding breed rather than lab or golden - bonky but needing mental energy disbursed as well as physical. Maybe have her chase rubik's cubes or something.

This is a good reason to get married, though. My spouse and I married pre-Obergefell. Marriage wasn't an option in our state, and the closest state that would be an option was a seven hour drive. Canada, however, was a six hour drive. So that's where we went. Now, even with Obergefell and RFMA, I want to have as much legal legitimizing as possible, because we live in a conservative state. I had a few surgeries recently, and I did my living will and all of the other forms I could think of to make sure my spouse could handle things for me if needed. The fact that I even have to worry about any of this is so stupid and unfair.

My to-do list has always been a source of dismay.

I was afraid you'd gone soft on us.

H got me a Ninja Creami for Christmas, so I can make healthier versions of ice cream for us (he rarely gets me a christmas present so this was huge). Of course, I am starting with something not so healthy, ha ha, egg nog ice cream. At least it makes only one pint at a time and I haven't gotten any extra containers yet. He's looking forward to lemon sorbet.

Tomorrow morning is my last session with P. I feel evil. I'm struggling with this ending and expressing those feelings makes me feel like I'm trying to hold him hostage. I've written him a final letter but I'm feeling really ashamed at how strongly I feel about him. I'm trying to just own my feelings but I don't want to feel foolish if I say I love him. I feel embarrassed even telling you guys that's how I feel. This is really hard. 8.5 years is a long time.

I'm so sorry, NP.

Speaking your truth - 'Expressing [your] feelings' - is not holding him hostage.
Knowing that doing so will have no impact on his plans must be excruciating.

Eight and a half years is a very long time to put your trust in someone.

I hope you can give yourself grace to feel your feelings, and treat yourself tenderly in the days ahead.

Hugs if wanted,

Lost

I feel for you, NP. I’m new here. I recently ended therapy with my therapist of ten years for reasons beyond my control. It’s excruciating. Your feelings are real and valid and you have no reason to be embarrassed. I know I’m just some random internet stranger, but please know you’re not alone in this pain. It is unlike any other grief I’ve known.

Thinking of you, NP....

And I think it's totally normal, and not foolish, to love your T, especially one you've had such a long relationship with.

Gigi is on some roku channel - I like the music. Gypsy is next but I find that one too sad

I just got done reading a funny article about how a psychiatrist walked into a Scientology church to mess with them. It was pretty interesting and comical. There is one of those centers in the big city I live right outside of but I’m unsure if it’s actually active.

Edit to add: I think the artical was a work of fiction because it was light and funny and cult stuff is not light and funny.

Hi Couch,

Seems like it's that time of year again.
I'm still spinning on the stuff from my conversation with the grief guide on Sunday, and yet if I want to talk about it at the moment, I have to explain everything again.

Not sure I have the capacity for that at the moment.

Satire relating to that 'religion' is fairly prevealent, Jersey.

Yes. Maybe I should have said religion instead of cult as to not offend anyone but I am probably safe to assume that anyone practicing Scientology and following everything they believe in is probably not a member on a psychotherapy forum because as far as I know-it goes against their belief.

I honestly see no difference in any of them. As an atheist who escaped the mainstream one of my family, I do find it fun when more mainstream ones get bent out about the not as mainstream ones. I would think they would band together but such does not appear to be human nature even with atheists.

I loved this in Catch 22 the first time I read it:
"What the hell are you getting so upset about?' he asked her bewilderedly in a tone of contrive amusement. 'I thought you didn't believe in God.'
I don't,' she sobbed, bursting violently into tears. 'But the God I don't believe in is a good God, a just God, a merciful God. He's not the mean and stupid God you make Him to be.'
Yossarian laughed and turned her arms loose. 'Let's have a little more religious freedom between us,' he proposed obligingly. 'You don't believe in the God you want to, and I won't believe in the God I want to . Is that a deal"

I love this.

Typos are a definite indicator that I am struggling.

So frustrating.

Hugs, Lost...

Does anyone have plans for New Years? I’ll probably be in bed before the ball drops.

Going to bed early myself. Overtime season starts bright and early tomorrow morning at 5am.....

I sent P an email over the weekend telling him how hurt I was feeling and that I didn't understand how if you care about someone, you could basically just let them fall off the face of the planet and never speak to them again. I'm still not sure how that's possible, but I guess it is. It feels completely unfair.

P and I had our final session. I sobbed and he held my hand while I read my letter to him. I think it made him emotional based on how tightly he was gripping me. I quoted "Both Sides Now", a song that makes me really emotional and we've listened to together.
I've couched things before as "I feel love towards you", but this time I said "I love you".

He read his letter to me. He recorded himself reading his letter because in my letter I mentioned how I won't hear his voice anymore and how because I'm bad at eye contact, his voice had been a constant in our time together. He grabbed my hand at a some point again, but I can't remember what we were talking about at that point. I wish I could remember. We hugged again at the end. It was a tight hug. I think I believe him when he tells me he's sad to say goodbye and will think of me.

The world hasn't collapsed. It's only been one day though. We usually met on Monday and Thursday, but sometimes when we met on Wednesday instead, it felt so much longer to the next Monday. I'm thinking that come Thursday, when we would normally be meeting, I'm going to start to really feel his absence.

We're going to talk via video on the 13th. We might discuss referrals at that time. I know whatever video sessions we have going forward are not going to be a regular thing. He wants to focus on his new career path and he knows that meeting virtually is not the same as meeting in person and doesn't want that.

This really sucks. I feel like I've lost the one person that has any care for how I'm doing emotionally. That's a really lonely feeling.

Overtime on a holiday? Does that mean you get time and a half plus a holiday pay?

NP.. I wish I had words to help you feel better but I don’t. I just hope that you eventually get to a place of peace. This grieving process will take awhile and when you eventually make it to the other side I hope there are things that can help fill your cup. It’s been 9 years since I’ve been in therapy but when I was in therapy there was a period of time I thought I could not do my life without her. And then one day I woke up and realized I could. And things changed. I haven’t read all post but is there another therapist on deck so you aren’t out there just floundering without him? Someone to help with the grief of him leaving?