Couch 251: The Matrix Recovered

I hope the nodule doesn't turn out to be anything serious, Precaryous. And sorry you've dealt with such confusing info--I agree on giving them feedback.

Thanks LT.

It will be fine.
The nodule is small. We caught it pretty early. Treatment will be done the same day as the scan.

Rereading my post, I didn’t mean it to come off as arrogant, if it did.
Maybe I won’t send them a ‘list of suggestions.’
But feedback should be ok.

Maybe I’ll just work on feeling better.

I may just do that one day while he's out on a job.

Actually, I'm not sure why I'm even worrying, he's still as lazy as ever, and stuffing it all in bags and going to a shredding place would require work.

And about as clear, too.

Befriended a Canada Goose with an injured wing last summer. Have been feeding it (and a gang of mallards) treats of corn these past few months. She came to my door every afternoon like clockwork.

I named her/him, Duckie. (Aren’t I the clever one!)

Have called rescues and rehabs. No one wanted to come get her or help her. She can’t fly anywhere..has to walk or swim everywhere she goes.

Last spotted her November 30th. Argh! Feared the worst.
Guess who survived our Midwest blast of cold and came back today!
Duckie looks great! And why shouldn’t she!? She has her own goose down coat!

What a great picture, with her kiddies in tow!

We be friends.
I don’t touch her/him…but I could!
This pic is from yesterday…eating with our mallard buddies.
Was so glad to see her/him.

Nice! Glad she/he survived.

Well, the last session of the year/Steve's birthday combo was a doozy, as I always knew it would be.

I am in the process of learning to allow and honour my anger as it arises.

I had other plans for how I was going to spend the rest of the day, but more emotional processing will happen tomorrow now...

I am spent.

I'm feeling really angry this morning. I don't know if it's at P or just the situation. He shared how stressful this change is. I have empathy, but at the same time I feel like dealing with me is just another task he has to complete. He talks about a transition plan of check ins after he moves, but he doesn't want to "dilute" our ending and he has boundaries about his new job. Why does that feel so ****** to hear? I feel like I have to hide my feelings so I don't ruin what's left.

It could easily be both, NP.

P is the one 'causing' the situation after all.
I'm sorry he's being so rigid in all this.

It would have been kinder to you in many ways if he'd supported you in finding another therapist.

I understand that it's far from an ideal situation, and there is no good way of handling it, but...he's dropped the ball, and it's OK to be angry.

Hugs, Lost. Be gentle with yourself today and take the time you need to rest. Your way of honoring the day doesn't need to be perfect or all done today.

Hugs, NP. You could be angry at both. Especially as he's also the one causing the situation.

I know this isn't the same thing, but it was also hard for me when Dr. T was moving and having delays and problems with that. And was expressing some of his stress about it to me. Like, I wanted to empathize with him, but at the same time, I felt like, "Well, you chose this. And it's very difficult for me." But I still felt like I had to hide some of those feelings. (Then they came exploding out during the actual move and after it happened...) Anyway. I'm not sure if it would help to talk about some of the anger now? Not sure how many sessions you have left.

I understand why it feels bad to hear what he said about not wanting to dilute the ending and having boundaries around his job. I'm sure I'd feel the same. But I can also see, in a way, that if you had what seemed like a good in-person ending--as good as that could be--maybe he's afraid it will be harder for to have to see him virtually in a different office and with limits on his time. That it will make you feel worse about things.

Do you feel like you want the check-ins, like it would be helpful for you? Maybe you could decide to have a couple, then see how you feel after that? Or another option is, if he's open to this, give it a bit of time, like a few weeks or a month, then see what you feel like doing. If you think it will be more painful to see him virtually in the new setting vs. not see him at all.

And I know this is already long, but are you thinking of trying to see another local T at all? If so, i could see where checking in with P could dilute that some.

I have other providers. I've been doing art therapy every other week for a few months and I have a prescriber that I do a therapy session with about once a month. I don't really feel like I have the same type of relationship with them though. He said he was going to scour Psychology Today and see if he can find anyone who looks promising, but I doubt he'll have time to actually do that.

We're meeting today and then we have 3 sessions scheduled next week. We might be able to meet on the 30th, but it would be in completely empty room with just two chairs. I don't know that would feel okay to me.

I don't want to hear about all the clients he's ending with and the friends he's saying goodbye to anymore. I'm sure that's difficult and I'm sorry that he's stressed out, and I feel selfish for saying this, but this is difficult for me too. I'm feeling like a burden right now. It's not how I want to end this and I'm already second guessing if our relationship was really real like he says or he's just telling me what I want to hear.

This is completely uncharted territory for me and I have no idea what I want to do regarding contact after he's moved. I'm also not really sure what he's actually offering and I'm not sure he knows either. One thing he mentioned was a check-in a couple of months from now. What if I'm doing poorly though? Does he really want to know that?

I'd hope he would want to know either way. Maybe that's something you could ask him, actually.


Oh, did you end up exchanging the letters?

Ugh, D was hitting and kicking again in school today and got suspended for the first time. She has to miss tomorrow, the last day before winter break. I think it's due to her being overwhelmed and dysregulated, but unsure what can be done to help. Worried they'll make her leave the school and send her to different one in the county. She was doing well there last year and until a few weeks ago this year. Not sure what's going on. (I'm pretty sure she doesn't know either). She did well the first half of today, too.

LT, that’s hard. Does D have a 1:1 aide? If so the aide should be helping her handle those behaviors by removing her from the classroom to give her a break and calm down.

Thanks, Jersey. Unfortunately, 1:1 aides aren't really an option in my county, just "close adult supervision," which could be a (woefully underpaid) paraeducator that's supervising multiple kids at once.

We do have her IEP meeting coming up next month, so will see what other supports we can possibly add, but I think we're nearly maxed out on those. I worry they'll push to have her change schools to a regional special ed program (which was actually the original middle school recommendation for her, but then they said her home school was a better choice, and it was going well until a few weeks ago).

I'm so sorry you are navigating this, LT.

For what it's worth, it seems unlikely that they would transfer D based on one suspension.
It's frustrating to hear that 1:1 support isn't an option for her, as it would be a very useful tool in this scenario.

I appreciate that D being seen to lash out in this way is a risk, but I really hope there's a more accommodating solution to be found.

Is there someone available with the expertise to find out what the root of the behaviour might be?

I hope the parenting T is still in the picture, because she might have some suggestions.

Thanks for the support, Lost! We actually met with the parenting T, K, this morning. She was helpful and seems very knowledgeable about the school processes for special ed. For example, she said she's unsure the suspension was even legal given some disability protections she has (she's checking into it). And suggested we formally request what's called a Functional Behavioral Analysis, from which they'd then develop a formal Behavioral Intervention Plan.

She also said she could attend our next meeting with the school, which is in early January (she said she often does this for clients).

K said it could be that this is not the right school environment for D, that the evaluations could help determine that. And it could be that she just needs more supports there, but we need to find out what the options are for that.

She also gave us some outside resources to contact, including legal websites and an advocacy group.

The one saving grace, in a way, is that today would have been her last day of school before a 12-day winter break, so we don't have to figure anything out right now or worry about how she will be that day in school.

Yes, we read them to each other. Reading the one I wrote was very emotional and he said he was brought to tears. His was shorter and very meaningful. I'm sure I will need to consult it in the future as I tend to start second guessing whether the relationship is really real at times.

One time I told him I wanted to be special to him, and he told me that even if that were the case, he couldn't tell me. I've always felt like there was something special between us though. I know it sounds so egotistical to say that. It was just a feeling I had, but I also really distrusted that feeling. He said a few things in his letter that lead me to think I should have trusted my gut feeling on that. Unless he's just telling me what I want to hear. My brain is maddening at times. Like that X Files poster, "I want to believe".

We talked last night about some of what I was feeling and it helped. He suggested we play a game next week, so I think we're going to play Codenames Duet on Monday. It might be nice to do something light hearted with him.

Next week is going to be so difficult. My heart may break.

I met with the nutritionist this morning, she's really nice, I enjoyed talking with her. It was a virtual appointment on a zoom-like thing. Anyway she asked a bunch of questions and I set some goals to work on, one of which is I'm going to give meal prepping a try. We'll see how it goes. I told her that I need serious help breaking my immense sugar addiction (again). She emailed me some stuff I need to print out when I get home and read. I'm feeling hopeful again.

In the ER. I've had nausea for 2 weeks and have finally had enough. It could be a med issue or emotional distress or something else. They're leaning towards med issue.

Sorry you aren’t feeling well.
Glad you are having it looked in to.
Feel better..
And let us know how you are.