[MuddyBoots]

I’ve seen various providers over a decade, and I’ve only gotten worse from lies, permanent side effects of meds, and trauma.

I’m in this thing called ACT (Aaertive community treatment, not the acceptance thing) where they’re on your arse all the time. I have to see them every day to take all my meds and if I ask to not take something I’m fairly sure will kill me from being in alert and driving home or taking something tough on the liver as an alcoholic with hepatitis or just it not working and me deciding to stockpile and overdose.

My team is INCREDIBLY inconsistent, my psychiatrist just prescribed a med that I told her previously has causes delirium. Not psychosis. Not brain fog. I’m talking I felt like I macrodosed hallucinations for two weeks straight, and it was not a good trip.

I don’t know how to get out though. I’m on an anticonvulsant and can’t ween off without risking seizures unless I keep getting street benzos because of the monitoring. If I just stop showing up they call my emergency contact and if they don’t know where I’m at they send the police after me. Trust me, been there, done that.

If I just ask “I don’t want to see you guys anymore,” I’m gonna get a lecture on how it won’t go and they’ll say I have poor insight and will probably go back to that traumatizing psych unit and come out even worse.

I’m a broke POS patient and can only do CMHC where people shoot up in the bathrooms.

I just got out of IP for getting high and bleeding to a point people would die, but I’m not a people, so why do they treat me like a people?

[Victoria'smom]

I'm thinking about quitting too. But I don't think they'll let me. I think it'll be a quick trip to the hospital. I want to be able to spiral out of control without 'help'. I'm ****ing tired. I'm getting on injection next week and I'm just done. Have you tried a specialized clinic?

[MuddyBoots]

I did tell my pdoc I don't want to be in treatment anymore, but all she did was put me on a medication that made me cry because pink walls turned green and a woman I thought was my grandma (was most certainly not my grandma) walked out a door without even saying hi. I said no, but I do not have the trust and emotional regulation to continue with that conversation and not have the police department show up so I said just add it as a PRN.

I'm weening myself off the meds they don't watch me take

[Nammu]

Muddy you flight help and wellness so hard and embrace chaos and destruction . You do not need to quit treatment you need to change your outlook. Right now you are so bpd. Give it a rest. I realize you feel like you need to fight them, but that’s feelings not facts. Your feelings lead you down dark paths. Please take you meds as prescribed and hand over any that are not prescribed. You can’t expect treatment to work when you are drug ing and cutting so much. It’s you that has to stop the behavior that’s based on feelings. Only then can they help.

[MuddyBoots]

between seeing my case manager, therapist, and psychiatrist:

4 scheduled appointments since mid-November actually happened
7 normal appointment times didn't happen (though to be honest the one with my pdoc was my fault--thought it was at a different time, and of course two of them fell on days the office was closed for holidays)

Looking back in my phone I have a 55% answer or call back rate when I call the team's emergency number.

I tell my CM how much I'm struggling, and the only day she hasn't said "you look/sound good" or expressed appreciation for how creatively I get across my horrendous thoughts was the day she dragged me to the ER promising "just to get medically checked out," followed by me spending Christmas on a psych unit (actually kind of nice though--we made cookies and the doc there is benzo happy).

My T lately has just been like "duh, of course your struggle with [fear of abandonment/rage/emptiness/emotional dysregulation/black & white thinking/inability to have a healthy relationship with literally anybody/self-worth/lack of stable sense of self/self-harm/addiction/dissociation], you have BPD those are your symptoms," (I know, girly, how do I NOT have those symptoms?) It feels like I'm showing up to a doc with a knife in my leg saying it hurts, and they're just going, "yeah, it looks like you have a knife in your leg. Have you tried acting like you don't have a knife in your leg?"

I don't know if my resentment towards them is unwarranted.