Avoiding overwhelm amid multiple layers

Hi all,

I hope today's being kind to you.

Now I'm dealing with a fresh loss, I'm struggling to feel as though there's 'room' for everything I need to talk about in therapy.

I definitely wasn't finished with the conversation that R and I were having prior to Julio's death...and now my process around that has become the focus.

How do you avoid being overwhelmed by the different facets of the things that you're talking about in therapy?

Thanks,

Lost

Hi Lost,

I'm sorry you're dealing with all of this.

I understand how finding room can be a struggle. Having more than one session a week helps me with that some (I can't recall whether that's an option for you, even for a one-time extra session). But even then, we can be in the midst of working through a topic when something else happens in my life that feels more urgent. I tend to switch to whatever feels most urgent/pressing to me at the moment, thinking we'll circle back around to the earlier topic later.

But it can depend--I do sometimes continue with the earlier topic or at least express that I want to come back to it later--that it's not "done." I do find it can help to write down what I want to talk about. To have a list that I can go back to later, to not let something drop.

What feels most urgent for you right now? Is there a way you can sort of talk about both at once? Something that both R and the other backup T I saw last month, E, have done at the start of session is to say something like, "What do you want to try to accomplish today?" Or "What do you hope to come out of today's session with?" Which can be difficult to answer on the spot! (And my answers tend to be, "Uh, I'm not sure...Maybe [thing x]? Or this other things?")

But I think you meet on Thursdays, so maybe if you try to think about that before the session, it could help. Maybe journal about it. Think about what could be most helpful to you right now. Do you feel more of a need to finish (or work on finishing) the earlier conversation? Or to address the most recent loss? Or some mix of both? Maybe you just need to start talking and see where you go?

Hope this is helpful in some way and also that your session is helpful tomorrow.

Hi LT,

You're right about my sessions being on Thursdays.
I've only done the 'extra' session thing once - Steve's anniversary, then my regular session.

TW for funeral stuff



This is probably the first time that I've had a desire to go to somebody's funeral...and yet I only knew the man for half an hour.

The other services that I've been to were for people I knew well, where my absence would have been an anomaly.

Not knowing what might happen in that sense is hard...and feels pressing.

There are logistics to consider as well, because I'd have to make arrangements to go if something was planned here...and 'Can you accompany me to a complete stranger's funeral?' is a big ask for a caregiver, even one I know well.

There's an internal 'tantrum' going on, because...I wasn't done yet.

Appreciate you bearing witness,

Lost

Choose one thread.. The relief from getting that aired gives an overall feeling of more release after sessions

Hugs, Lost.
I can totally relate to having too much to address in therapy. L and I had 4? ruptures last year, and none have been resolved.Then she got pregnant and that just exploded. Both make it very hard to stay in this relationship. But dealing with her pregnancy has stopped too. Now I have real life issues that are more important to work through.

I’m the same as LT. We just focus on what comes up naturally. Like you feel an urge to talk about something. L says that whatever comes up is what usually needs our attention. And that even if for some reason you actually needed the other subject, the one you chose isn’t a waste. It’s all important. (But then again she believes a session of silence is beneficial too. Not for me!).

You could also do what T and I did when ex-T left. We spent half the session on ex-T stuff and the other half on intake. We did this for a few weeks.

Another thing you could do is write her about all you want to talk about. You can email it or hand it to her in session. Maybe that could save you from having to update her on information and allows you to spend more time processing.

Thanks for the hugs, Scarlet.

I'm sorry you can relate, and that you're going through so much.
Moments of silence in therapy can be useful, I agree...but I wouldn't want to spend a session in silence either.

Half on one thing and half on the other sounds like a good idea.
Our breathing practice takes up the last 10 minutes or so.

Maybe I'll email in advance of next week's session.

Sorry you are struggling ❤️❤️ I also often feel like I have too much to get through. I tend to just go with what comes up or feels most urgent or comes out naturally. Even if I don’t finish something (because something else became more important) I tend to go back to things naturally even months later when they resurface. But it is always hard. Therapy is so hard 🥺

Sometimes I don't take the event which has happened (there are many significant events in my life which my therapist doesn't know about - I don't really keep her up-to-date in that way), but I will take the core themes or aspects of my process which are associated with the event. Otherwise, I think there is the risk of descriptive sessions focussing on narrative which I am not really interested in. Identifying the core stuff requires a fair amount of work outside of session and on my own, but that suits me. In your example, I might not tell her about the recent death if, in itself, it does not bring new material beyond a variation of what has been spoken about before. However, I would focus on the common thread which runs from previous losses.

Also, in contrast to what others have said, sometimes I think it is about saying the stuff which doesn't rise to the fore. Talking about the stuff which is less familiar, less frequently voiced, more frequently side-lined is fruitful.

Thanks Comrade,

I told her about the recent loss during last week's session, so the question now is 'How much more space can this source of pain and regret reasonably take?'

I'm a writer, so narrative and understanding are very important to me...often at the expense of allowing myself to feel.

That is the work.

Wanted to respond to this part. Something I brought up with Dr. T today was a thing I said I'd just become so used to, that I didn't think to bring it up. That it was so ingrained in me. Even though it was something that affected me nearly daily. When it came out today, it was this lengthy, somewhat manic monologue because I'd been holding it in so long.

Lost, is there maybe something you're afraid to express to your T (or even yourself) about all this? Something that you're holding back? Even if it seems minor or perhaps obvious or even silly?

Thanks LT,

My instinctive response to your question is that the way I'm feeling about Julio's death feels disproportionate.

It's OK for me to mourn Steve because I knew him, even if we weren't intimately close...

Finding out that Julio was here all the time and that he's now gone has knocked me for six.

I thought confirmation that it wasn't self-inflicted would help, but I'm still bewildered by it, and more than a little frustrated by that.

Thirty minutes is not long enough to know somebody, and feel like this.

That seems like what you need to talk about, that maybe you don't feel you have the right to have not known him long, but are reacting this way. Maybe it's about what you missed with him, the thought of what you could have had, if you'd known he was local? I think that's a very valid thing to grieve. Though really, any grief is valid.

Hi LT,

Thank you so much for your empathy.
There's a part of me that is adamant I should put the stick down, but allowing myself to have feelings about this feels difficult.

When I have reaction that seems disproportionate to what caused it, I try to consider what thing from my history might be triggering the response. Maybe it's not 100% about this particular person per se, but something about the situation is bringing something up for you.

Hi all,

Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts.
R has assured me that it's OK to focus on my process surrounding this for now, and we can go back to our previous conversation when I am ready.

It might have been a short time, but he clearly had an impact.

It's up to me to figure out how to let myself have this process.

Of course, R is there to participate as she is able.

Take care,

Lost