Like layers of an onion..

... that keep being peeled back, such is the experience of the work that is done in therapy.

Just a week ago, I suggested to T the idea of scaling back on quantity of sessions per month and actually canceling session for this week. Yet, 'stuff' appeared and I'm actually seeing T 2x this week.

So, I think what I need to realize is that in the path to self-discovery, possibly there is no final destination. idk

I do know, though, that uncovering and identifying old wounds, wounds which are the source of some of my dysfunctional behaviors and painful emotions, I begin to feel more and more free, more and more authentic.

For me, whatever happens in the therapy room, whatever kind of 'magic' is performed by the therapist, whatever unseen, unrecognized internal movement occurs - all of that, I believe, would not be likely to be possible without the help of my therapist.

The mind is still a huge unknown by our scientific explorers. Sure, there are a lot of theories and sure, there is a lot that can be proven about what makes us 'tick' but the mystery of the subconscious and unconscious remains mostly a mystery. I suppose we can thank Freud for initiating the investigation into this realm of our lives and that there exist now bonafide research into this arena.

But, psychotherapy can be very frustrating, confusing, and painful. So often we have no idea what the hey is going on and we grasp for answers. But those answers are not easily attained. They belong in some kind of ethereal realm. At least that what it seems like to me.

Still,I believe, if we stick with it and 'trust the process', as my T has been so fond of repeating, we will attain what we seek. How? I don't know. I have no idea what the 'process' is. It is so dang mysterious.

All I know is that, for me, it works and continues to work. I wish I could explain it. I wish I could say "this is the path and here are the signposts and turn left here and next turn right".

I can't do that. It's an individual journey. But, for all of you who feel skeptical or discouraged, hang on. Because of my continual amazement of what is uncovered in my deeper psyche during my own therapy process, I will always be grateful to my T.

Of course, if you don't have the right T or they don't have the tools to help you, then you must seek someone more helpful. But given the right guidance, magic happens - yes it does. It has happened for me and my persona continues to unfold.

Skysblue- what a really lovely post
I feel pretty much the same. I went into T thinking that it would be like a series of linear steps that i would have to take, like a list of things i'd have to discuss.

But i have found that therapy is not a linear process, and no matter how hard i try ( VERY hard, let me tell you! ), i cannot control it.
I cannot control my T either, and neither should i try to control her.

I am finding myself talking about things that i never even knew were an issue, but i know them to be definite issues now.

Through all the hostility i show to my T, through the resisting her, through all the tears i shed (at home in private), through all the heartache and confusion my emotions and memories bring up to the surface...i know it'll be worth it.

Therapy does seem to work mysteriously and well, as you say.

I had trouble with the onion metaphor and applying it to myself, one ends up with "nothing" if all the layers are removed? and I preferred to think of myself as a multi-walled city like Jerusalem



But then, I was a medieval history major once upon a time. . . I still remember how in 6th grade I wanted to grow up to be a Squire; not a Page or Knight, but the in-between state of Squire.

Eventually I decided to think of the "process" as like the process of getting an education; you can see what happens when you go from 1st grade to 12th but can you describe well what happens, day-to-day? It was a little easier for me to sort of understand learning addition and then multiplication, they follow on one another well enough as do subtraction and division. The first day of 3rd grade when we were supposed to learn that multiplication and division stuff, we were given a test that included them (??? why do educators like to mess with children that way?) and I had a clue about multiplication but not division but, happily, the girl next to me knew about division but not multiplication and we quickly showed each other what we "understood". A highlight of my life.

I think that often, being open to a change can bring the kind of change we didn't expect. You were open to the possibility of reducing your sessions, and it may be that making this kind of progress led you to where you are now.

I thought I was done with therapy many years ago. I mean, I'd done 5 years of intense, trauma focused therapy, made changes in my life, was settled into a meaningful career and a mostly satisfying marriage and motherhood. Life was mostly good, but my past was dogging me again. That was a kind of big layer-- and it took me awhile, a better part of a year, before I was willing to consider going back to therapy. Best willingness ever.

I'm happy for you, that you have two sessions this week

Skysblue, thank you SO much for sharing your insight and thoughts. You perfectly summed up what I'm feeling and experiencing now.

Yes, therapy is a magical process, and what that process is, I, like you, have no idea.

I'm just now starting to trust the process, to give up control, not go into sessions with a preplanned agenda, and as a result I've had some of the most productive sessions.

It's hard and painful trusting the process. My T keeps telling me "you're going to feel worse before you feel better" and I definitely HAVE felt worse. But, knowing I have T's support and a scheduled session helps me get through the tough days.

Thank you for your post Skysblue
It was beautiful. Yes indeed, what a enigmatic process therapy is. There is no explanation for how or why it works because it is different for everyone as you said but your t is absolutely correct in saying that we have to trust the process. Your analogy of the onion is very apt to because the more I peel of the layers the more I cry.
For me, therapy has worked because my t treats me with positive regard and is the first person to listen and trust me. SHe is the first person to encourage me and make me stop and think, hey, I am worth talking to and maybe I am interesting enough to talk to. Thank you for the post.

My T is also fond of telling me that the 'process' is not linear. With my own fondness of clarity and my love of making lists, charts, and outlines, the inability sometimes to recognize the progress made because it's not easily analyzed or contained in neat boxes, can be frustrating. I have really really needed to learn to 'see' with different eyes.

Ah yes, metaphors - such inexact descriptions of our invisible experiences. I do love your metaphor of the walled city. Nice.

Yes, I think flexibility is essential to the complete arena of human life. Being open to all kinds of changes is necessary to find some kind of peace of mind. Clinging to anything, anything at all will be a recipe for disaster. One of the things we can be assured of is that change is always happening.

I know!! Feeling worse instead of better seems to be the 'absolute' in therapy. Of course, I don't know that for sure. I can only speak for myself but I wish I had have known that before I began therapy and maybe it wouldn't have been so hard for me at the time - if I had have known that the emergence of volatile emotions was 'par for the course'.

Ha , I hadn't thought of the crying aspect of the onion metaphor. Yes!!

Not only trusting the process is necessary but so is patience, 'infinite' patience, it seems.

mls

Ever since I decided NOT to get a Master's degree in my field, I kind of have this idea that paying for therapy IS my form of higher education. I'm getting a Master's Degree in myself. Ha! In that regard, I spent a lot of years skating by under the radar, doing whatever it took to succeed at the barest minimum and nothing more. Now I am upping the ante a bit and man, I have a LOT of learning to do. It's a little cheaper, I guess, but I suspect it's going to take WAY longer than the average 2 years! And thank dog I don't have to write any papers...