[MissCharlotte]

I think this is just too much for me.

I just want to disappear.

I have tried -- I really have. I have engaged on every level and then some. Just can't do it anymore.

[chaotic13]

(((MissCharlotte))) Sorry to read that you are struggling this evening.

[sunrise]

I'm sorry. Please don't disappear.

[nightbird]

Miss Charlotte, may I stand in the rain with you a little while?

Ahhhh, it's so cleansing, you think?

Hope we don't catch a cold (;

I'll stay out as late as you want, ok?

Peace & Love To Charlotte

pssst (rainbows are on the way!)

hey miss ch... no words of wisdom.. i dont know the issue.. pretty wrapped up in so much.. but i wish you a peaceful sleep and to awake with a lighter heart.

[Kiya]

sis.... charlotte... what happened???

(((((((((hugs)))))))))
kiya

[MissCharlotte]

I am so fragile right now.

I am afraid the therapeutic relationship is dead.

It is too hard for me to say what happened but oh God I am afraid. This has touched the absolute worst of my deepest wounds and I am so damned exposed. I feel so bad about myself. I didn't do anything wrong. So, why do I feel like I am being punished?

[sunrise]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
MissCharlotte said:
I didn't do anything wrong. So, why do I feel like I am being punished?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">These sound like a child's words. Do you think the experience in therapy is echoing earlier childhood wounds? So hard when that happens, because the current situation then carries all the unresolved pain from the past. Does that sound like it might be part of what is happening for you?

I hope you can stick with your T. I am sure he is not punishing you. Does he know you feel you are being punished?

[Kiya]

yeah - talk to us hon... why are you feeling punished? Have you told t? Should we read a book?
i just got a new one for the littles... where did i put it....
it's called "my secret unicorn"
*ahem*... "Deep in the mountains, mist swirled over a round stone table. A unicorn was standing beside it. WIth a snort, it lowered its noble head and touched the table's surface with its glowing horn.
The table seemed to shiver for a moment. And then its surface began to shine like a mirror. The unicorn murmured a name.
There was a flash of light and the mist cleared. in the mirror, an image appeared. It was a small, gray pony...."

=)

(((((MissCharlotte))))))),
I LOVE YOU! I am so sorry that you are hurting so much, I've been there and will probably will have to feel those emotions again): When you feel like talking, please tell us what is happening. We are all very concerned about you!

[MissCharlotte]

Okay guys here it is:

I am a wreck. We had such an awful rupture last night (again) that I sincerely doubt that we can continue to work together anymore. I'll tell you what's going on:

He is inconsistent. I can't handle that. I flipped out. I left a tirade of screaming messages after session.

When I first began seeing him about a year and a half ago he told me to call him if I needed him. He gave me all his phone numbers. (home, cell, etc.) I was confused by this and never called much in the beginning. Then as the relationship developed, and I became attached I began to call when I needed to touch base. This past summer I asked him if I called too much. He said no, I didn't call too much and it was a good use of the phone to call him if I needed to center myself. I was having a lot of suicidal thoughts, with the depth of the work we were doing. He told me that calling too much would be like calling twice a day or something. I was very specific to address the issue.

I decided that what I needed was to see him twice a week, hoping that would help and I began with 2x weekly appointments in September after the break. Our work became intense.

Then out of the blue (and I mean in the middle of a phone call while I was crying) he said we had to find a way to manage the phone calls. I freaked out and hung up. This was right after Christmas.

Let me interject that he moved in with his wife (new marriage) over break.

So, in session, we discussed and he said that he decided that phone calls were to be short (3-5 minutes in length). We continued discussing this session after session last month. It was a huge rupture because it was a huge departure from what he had told me before. I just kept feeling like there was another agenda. Over the course of this month he again changed his rule to be phone calls should be for emergencies only. I told him that confused me again because it changed again and that I didn't know what he meant by emergency. So, he gave me an example about another client whose husband came home drunk. (Not my kind of emergency). Then he said that phone contact should preferably be in the form of phone appointments.

Then this past weekend, I called him on Friday and requested a phone appointment because I was feeling overwhelmed, and suicidal. He called back and said he could talk to me on Saturday. It was a good session and I felt so much better. It was during this session that we discussed reading the book. I felt so good and cared for afterward. I so looked forward to yesterday's session because I had so much to tell him.

Then yesterday, when I arrived we talked for a minute and he asked me if it was my understanding that he was charging or not for the phone session from Saturday. As soon as he brought up the topic I started getting really nervous, like oh no here we go again. I said that I expected to be charged for the time. He said that it felt good and right to him. We had a HUGE conversation about the issue. I lost it. I ranted at him and told him that therapy was ******** and what right did he have to suck people in and then dump them. He admitted that he mishandled the issue to begin with. I was very angry and upset. Interestingly enough, I knew I was reaching a very old hurt and realization of self.

After I left (I had to go back to work)--I became overwhelmed and almost crashed my car. I pulled over and called him because I was furiously angry and feeling jerked around. I left four (and one more later) messages on his machine. I screamed at him. I told him that he scared the %#@&amp;#! out of me and represented the absolute worst I ever received from parents--an inconsistent boundary. I told him I couldn't come back on Thursday because he scared me and I didn't know who I would find when I got there. Which T would I find when I got there? The one who takes phone calls? The one who takes 3-5 minute phone calls? The one who is available for emergencies? The one who only takes calls by appointment? I told him that I felt as though I was being punished for something (yes I know it is a child part speaking). But it was important he know that.

Today,I called and said that I suppose we should talk and that I knew I had to pay for his time. He called me back and we made a phone appointment for tomorrow. The conversation was extremely brief. He sounded angry. I was scared.

I understand that he can do whatever he wants. But I also believe that it is unprofessional to change the boundaries in the midst of a therapy, particularly, when a client is in a vulnerable spot.

I need a therapist who I can call if I am feeling suicidal or in danger of self harm. Period.

Maybe this is some kind of deliberate intervention and maybe this isn't. Maybe he thinks I should be somewhere developmentally that I am not. Maybe he just doesn't want to work with me. Maybe I remind him of his mother. Maybe he is overwhelmed with his new marriage. I don't know the answer to any of these things.

As you all know, I have thought the world of him and I have gained an incredible awareness of self through our work together that I never thought possible.

I don't think it is possible to move forward safely. Therapy is ********.

[Kiya]

=( =(

sitting with you (((((((((((((((((((((((many hugs!!!))))))))))))))))))))))))

[ECHOES]

(((((( Miss Charlotte )))))))

I'm sorry for what's been happening and for how you're feeling!

I want to clobber him for what he's doing It seems he wanted to change his phone call boundaries and tried to do it gradually instead of being gently firm and just making the change he wanted right out. That's about him and his inability to be effective or his discomfort with boundaries. You said once before he needs to get his act together and reading your post makes me agree.

Please don't give up on therapy because of him. If you have to make a change, do that, but stick with therapy for you sweetie!

Reading what you're going through makes me feel so sad for you and brings tears to my eyes.

Keep talking to us, okay?

[sunrise]

(((((MIssCharlotte)))))

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
As you all know, I have thought the world of him and I have gained an incredible awareness of self through our work together that I never thought possible.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">It makes me very sad to think you might leave this man who has been so helpful to you.

I hope you can find a way to discuss this rupture and work through it. Your T has told you he has mishandled it. Could you try to work from this day forward and not on the past inconsistencies? Could you tell him you need consistency from now on and then ask him to repeat his current phone policy and stick to that in the future? The past inconsistencies cannot be erased, and he has acknowledged his culpability. What else could he do to help you through this?

Once I began a session telling my T the frame felt wobbly to me. We then worked on ways to make it stronger and make me feel more secure. If ever a frame was wobbly and needed shoring up, yours does. Can you work together with T to solve this problem?

Hang in there, dear.

[Mouse_]

Miss charlotte, I feel you are doing the right thing in finding another T on reading what you have said here. It sounds like this T has never come across someone that he couldn't automatically "fix" and is now running around like a headless chicken looking for ways to find his own ground! I hope you find someone else that is better able to support you in your journey! charging for phone calls between sessions to me is like robbing the dead, they are supposed to be there to support us when we hit fall out from sessions!

[MissCharlotte]

Well, off I go. I am leaving house early this morning so I arrive at work in time to have my phone session first.

I was talking to a friend last night and said, "Well, the bottom line is..." and I froze as I said this, and we both laughed.

I realized that I wish there were a bottom line. All I ever needed as a child was some ground beneath my feet. Never knowing what would happen next is not a terribly strong foundation for growing up.

Wish me luck. I'll report back later.

Thank you all.

((((((MissCharlotte))))))),
Hugs to you! I can't write now because I have to go to work but I wanted you to know that you are in my thoughts and prayers! I will respond more this afternoon. I love you!
Be safe.

((((MissCharlotte ))))))
You my friend will make it threw this. We are all here for you
I am here if you need to talk
muffy

[MissCharlotte]

Hello friends,

You have no idea how much your support means to me right now.

I got to work early and called T. I asked if he were kicking me out of therapy. (So much for my strong voice.) He said it was never considered. I said that if we could not work this out that it was very bad. He said that he agreed. I asked if he gave away my time slot for this evening. He said of course not. I said I would prefer to come in person and discuss this because if I started crying it would be difficult for me to recover in time to greet my students this morning.

I will see him at 5.

Oh my goodness.

[MissCharlotte]

Dear Sunny and Mouse,

I thank you both for your feedback and found both representative of my inner experience right now--opposite ends of the spectrum that is the polarity of my life.

To wit:
Sunny said:
</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
It makes me very sad to think you might leave this man who has been so helpful to you.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Me too Sunny. I most certainly cannot handle a wobbly frame.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
they are supposed to be there to support us when we hit fall out from sessions!

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Yes, this is the crux of the issue. I cannot feel unsupported and continue into the depths of my self. It just doesn't work.

Wow, if I ever knew that exploring myself would yield such pain I wonder what I would have done differently. Probably nothing.

Thanks guys.

[MissCharlotte]

Kiya,

OMG OMG OMG
THANK YOU

Ohhhh story time........

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
my secret unicorn"
*ahem*... "Deep in the mountains, mist swirled over a round stone table. A unicorn was standing beside it. WIth a snort, it lowered its noble head and touched the table's surface with its glowing horn.
The table seemed to shiver for a moment. And then its surface began to shine like a mirror. The unicorn murmured a name.
There was a flash of light and the mist cleared. in the mirror, an image appeared. It was a small, gray pony...."

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

So who do we think is more beautiful, the pony or the unicorn? OMG I could analyze this to death and it might need its own thread.

Thanks much.

[MissCharlotte]

Echoes,

CLOBBER HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yeah, feels good.

[sunrise]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
MissCharlotte said:
I need a therapist who I can call if I am feeling suicidal or in danger of self harm. Period.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">That sounds like a bottom line. It is good to know what you must have. If you tell T, he can either meet you or not. If not, then you will at least have that certainty and know what to do next.

I am glad you will see him in person today. I wish you much love and luck for your session.

[lauren_helene]

Miss Charlotte I feel your pain with this. I agree with Sunny too on firming up the frame for you with T.

I do think sometimes it is hard for our T's whether we realize it or not. They are human, I am trying to remember this when my T seems inconsistent.

I want a genuine relationship and in order for him to provide that, I need to accept that he too will make mistakes.

Think of the inconsistency in your T as his caring for you. He isn't rejecting you now, he is just realizing that he relaxed boundaries too much and it is hurting you.

As for whether this is one of the items in his toolbox, sadly, we'll never know the answers to questions such as these.

Try and give him the benefit of the doubt if you can.

Hugs!

MissCharlotte,
I thought of you all day! I am so sorry that you are in so much pain! I wrote you a response while I had a break at work. I am now hesitant to share it with you for several reasons - 1) it really hits home with me so I am quite biased (towards you, of course) and 2) you will be seeing T at 5:00 and I don't want to 'stir the pot' as it were. I'm looking forward to hearing how it went! May the force be with you.


If you don't feel better after this session, I'm sending Jabba the Hut over to fill in the assprint and to give your T @#$$. No more Mrs. nice guy!