busy today

My sesson was last night. It was a good session.

Until today.

Today while at work, I managed to completely destroy the session in my head.

She mentioned emotional regulation and retaining good feelings from the sessions and that *really* meant that she's tired of me, angry with me, wants me to never call again, sick of me, sorry she ever took me on, wanting to ditch me.
[In spite of her saying several times recently "I'm commited to working with you, barring unforseen events, for as long as it takes."]

She was quiet in that professional, reserved kind of way she has sometimes and that *really* meant all of the above plus that she's bored with me, thinks I'm stupid.
[In spite of knowing the she is giving me time and room and opportunity, like the silences.]

She wrote some things down that I'd mentioned in my calls. She held them for me and I loved that. She said she thought maybe we could focus on one of those. She began reading them, telling me to stop her anywhere and I did. lol Oh it was my idea to talk about holding on to good feelings then. Well, what's with this choosing something to focus on? Usually we 'start wherever you are'. Is she changing on me?!

And knowing I am still grieiving a loss of someone we've talked about many times, nearly every session over the year I've been seeing her, she didn't even mention it! I squeezed it in some at end.

So I'm mad at her for everything: deciding to choose something to 'focus' on, for not reading my mind about what I wanted to talk about and not even considering that I need to talk about that loss still, using the term emotional regulation and that I reacted to it but didn't tell her. I thought the reaction would go away. It felt like a slap in the face. It's
taken me all day and evening to realize that it's shame I'm feeling around it. Mad she was quiet. Mad at myself too for not speaking up, for feeling intimidated by her in session and not telling her.

Maybe she SHOULD ditch me.

((((((((((( Echoes ))))))))))))

((((ECHOES )))))))))

Echoes, can you tell her how you feel when you meet again? Tell her what you thought she meant versus what she actually meant?

((((ECHOES))))

It sounds like a tough session "aftermath" for you. Sometimes my sessions trigger different feelings and interpretations from me after the fact rather than in session. Sometimes I think this is because I am oblivious to my true feelings in session (need time to process) and sometimes I think it is because in the days that follow, I lose touch with the true reality of the session because I have lost the connection of being there. It can be hard. I'm sorry this is a hard week for you.

I think if my T ever mentioned the phrase "emotional regulation", I'd probably be angry too. I'm not sure if this fits for you, but it would upset me because I am very emotionally contained--don't show my feelings or express my needs--and that therapy is partly about helping me to learn to acknowledge my feelings and express my emotions. So if my T said I needed to work on emotional regulation I would feel very confused, and irritated too, like he was castigating me for my pitiful attempts at letting some feeling out. Could something similar be part of what is going on for you?

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Well, what's with this choosing something to focus on? Usually we 'start wherever you are'. Is she changing on me?!

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">I think you are free to listen to her "choices" and say that you'd like to talk about something else. Also, can you ask her if she is changing her therapeutic approach? Maybe she is, maybe she isn't. Sometimes they do change, but it isn't necessarily sinister. And with client feedback, they might decide the change isn't beneficial.

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And knowing I am still grieiving a loss of someone we've talked about many times, nearly every session over the year I've been seeing her, she didn't even mention it! I squeezed it in some at end.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">This is interesting because earlier you seemed to resent that she didn't let you choose the topic, but this indicates you are unhappy she didn't guide the discussion by bringing up this specific topic. What do you want from your T? Could it be that is would be OK if sometimes she brings up topics and sometimes she lets you bring things up--a mix?

((((((((Echoes))))))))

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ECHOES said:
My sesson was last night. It was a good session.

Until today.

Today while at work, I managed to completely destroy the session in my head.

She mentioned emotional regulation and retaining good feelings from the sessions and that *really* meant. . .

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We certainly can't having you retaining a good session! Shame on you for taking a whole night to see how to destroy it! You're getting slow, normally it only takes until the length of time it takes to get out of the session and drive home?

If it was good last night, why do you listen to yourself today? You "felt" good last night, didn't have these doubts about yourself so tell your spoiler self today to back off; you and your T are working together, trying different things, exploring other ways of working, etc. trying to see what you can see. It does sound like a nice session. Is that scary, picking things from your own list for the first time? Not talking about the same relationship loss you always have talked about in the past? Sharing responsibility together with your T about choosing what to talk about together?

My T pointed out that by the time I told her things, I had already sanitized them, worked them in my head so I knew where I was with them, was just "reporting". I even had dreams where she came in second to new info, LOL. Of course, she was the one who noticed that when I told her the dream (which I don't remember in detail but had to do with rolls of toilet paper :-) Talking about what you "bring" with you to therapy, you've already had time with that and talking about your loss, that person isn't there in the relationship with you and your T either.

Hi (((Ecohes)))

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Today while at work, I managed to completely destroy the session in my head.

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I hate it when I do that. I wonder if it is because we don't have as much experience holding onto the good parts, or holding the good and the bad simultaneously.

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She held them for me and I loved that.

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Oooh I love that too. She's really listening.

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Usually we 'start wherever you are'. Is she changing on me?!

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Sounds like you've been promoted. I find change hard to adjust to also, but I think (at least for me) that it's a sign of a deepening relationship.

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Maybe she SHOULD ditch me.

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Now, why would she want to ditch someone who puts so much effort into working through the session? I bet you are her FAVORITE client!

Many hugs to you. (((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Echoes))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Echoes
I recently had a session where I was unhappy about where T took the discussion. In hindsight the end result was positive; but I was really upset about the method. I opened my mouth this week and voiced that. The discussion that followed was good and I feel a lot better. Plus I got a chance to see that I could voice dissatisfaction and not get yelled, have it dismissed, or get booted out of therapy.

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Perna said:
My T pointed out that by the time I told her things, I had already sanitized them, worked them in my head so I knew where I was with them, was just "reporting".

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I do this all the time. But I figure you have to start somewhere.