nice, low key session

He offered me an orange when I arrived, which I accepted. He said, "good, I like when you accept the food I offer and we eat together." (At pretty much every session, he offers me something to eat because it's his snack time. I often decline. I typically don't want granola bars or cookies or pieces of cheese, which are common offerings. But I love oranges! And one time I accepted some filberts, which I adore.) Then he gave me my own waste basket and took another for himself, and we silently peeled our oranges into the baskets. lol, these little things are so great. Can't believe the high point of my day was peeling oranges with T! Are we connected yet?

I was in a good place today, coming off a big success this weekend in a major talk with my H on sensitive topics I was very scared to bring up with him. But I did, and it went well, and I felt kind of empowered. T said he was proud of me. H and I have a big meeting later this week with T and another mental health professional to hash out some things about our custody plan for the kids. I feel ready for that now.

After we were done talking about the main topic, T asked, "what else are you needing?" That freaks me a little because I am not good at all at telling people my needs. I've gotten better at that through therapy. But the truth was today I didn't really need anything else. I felt good and very functional. So T and I just chatted the rest of the time, and I told him about a weird hobby of mine that I'd never shared before. It was a fine session....

It gets me wondering though, if I felt so competent and functional and basically, happy, all the time, would I need to go to therapy anymore? Is there going to come a time when I go sit in his office and have no needs and there is nothing to say? And then will that mean it is time to never come back? I mean, it would be dumb to keep paying for therapy if we are just going to discuss hobbies and eat fruit together, right? LOL, I can't believe this whole termination topic is occurring to me now--but I just felt really functional today.... Don't worry, sunny, it's probably only fleeting (call out the malevolent ego states!).

Hi Sunrise,

It must have been some special orange!

Keep up the good functioning!

Sunny =) you don't need to call out the destructives to stay in t . lol. besides WAY down the road maybe you'll get to a point where you check in every few months (and chat and eat fruit).
Sounds lovely!

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Sunrise said:
if I felt so competent and functional and basically, happy, all the time, would I need to go to therapy anymore?

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I was thinking similar things today. I'm feeling pretty good today. The last few sessions have gone well. Do I really need to keep going?? Then I realized that I've been worrying the last 4 days about how I am going to tell my husband, I have an appointment today. I'm off work and he is going to ask me, where I'm going. I hate having this discussion and I know I just make things worse by avoiding it. Hate the inquisition: Why are you still going there, what do you talk about, you don't need that crap, if she is so good why are you still not meeting all of my needs???

Obviously I still have some issues to resolve yet.

Sunrise, enjoy the fact that you are feeling functional and in control today. Just try to accept that even if you are functional you still deserve to go for a while yet. It sounds to me like you are still dealing with a messy situation.Until the divorce is complete, the custody issues are all resolved, and you and your kids have had some time to adjust to this new life, you should keep the therapy door open as a way of maintaining your sanity.

I don't really think about need of therapy as a scale of how well you are functioning. Like my T says, there is no special bell that goes off when you are "well" and then a mechanical leg comes out and kicks you out the door, lol. I think of therapy as a place for exploration-- and exploration of the self is never done.

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sunrise said:
It gets me wondering though, if I felt so competent and functional and basically, happy, all the time, would I need to go to therapy anymore? Is there going to come a time when I go sit in his office and have no needs and there is nothing to say? And then will that mean it is time to never come back? I mean, it would be dumb to keep paying for therapy if we are just going to discuss hobbies and eat fruit together, right? LOL, I can't believe this whole termination topic is occurring to me now--but I just felt really functional today.... Don't worry, sunny, it's probably only fleeting (call out the malevolent ego states!).

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That's kind of what happened for me. Only you start thinking about terminating when things just get going in the not-much-to-talk-about direction. I worked on terminating for over a year (of which my T was gone during one 4+ month period). When you set a date to terminate/make up a "plan" things start coming together faster and focus gets sharper, etc. It's not a bad time, I found it pretty exciting; a lot of discoveries that might have been hiding in the all-the-time-in-the-world part of my head and heart came out :-)

Thanks happyflowergirl, Kiya, McKell, and Pinksoil.

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besides WAY down the road maybe you'll get to a point where you check in every few months (and chat and eat fruit).

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">Kiya, I know there will come a day when I just can't afford therapy anymore (I pay 100% out of pocket), so this suggestion of yours sounds pretty darn nice, because it would mean not having to say good-bye permanently to T.

McKell, a good reason to keep going to therapy is learning to stand up to your H and not be afraid he is going to quiz you on your whereabouts. You are a human being and you have a right to go to the store, to a restaurant, to therapy, wherever, without having to justify yourself to your H. You're not a prisoner. The problem is his that he is controlling like that, not yours. Just go to therapy. If he asks, could you tell him, "whenever I tell you where I'm going you give me a hard time, so I'm not going to tell you anymore until you can control your behavior." (Ha, ha, easier said than done, I know.)

Pink, I agree about exploring the self. I would love to do that with my T for life. I don't really think of a bell going off someday when I am "well" as I don't consider myself "unwell." (I think in part that is because my T views his clients from a position of health, rather than pathology, and that outlook has trickled down to me. My past depression, for example, I consider a functional and protective response to stress and abuse.) Somehow after my orange-eating session, that little termination worry reared its head. Its part of the tension of therapy, I guess. When I am working on issues such as protecting my children, custody, etc., it can seem self-indulgent to spend time in therapy just on myself, healing and exploring my ego states, past trauma, patterns of behavior, etc. Yes, I am worth it! But it can seem selfish sometimes when there are forest fires to be put out. As I said to my T recently on the way out the door after a session on a new issue that had reared its head in the preceding week, "it's always something when I come here!" I guess by putting out fires together, we are exploring my self, in a really hands-on, practical way. Other times it's just nice to eat an orange.

Perna, you put forth a good model of how to terminate in a healthy way. I will try to keep that in mind when the time comes (not for quite a while, I hope). I have this pattern of rapid abandonment and "ditching" people, and I am determined not to do that with T, as we have a close relationship and out of respect for "us" (and for him), I want to do it "right", when the time comes.

Hi Sunny! I've had those moments when I think that I am 'fine' and probably don't need to go every week.

Usually I find that I am avoiding something when I think this way. I am speaking for myself here.

I think therapy ends when we can have better relationships, handle anxiety and stress much better and solve our own issues (based on our T's guidance that we internalize). There isn't a bell like Pink's T's said. It probably has more to do with the quality of our life and the place we are in.

I also think that is different for each one of us. I agree with you that hearing 'what else are you needing' would be a bit show stopping. But like you said your T has a different style as all of our T's do.

Maybe he knows that you have trouble talking about what you 'need' from people and so he has incorporated that little phrase into your treatment?

I liked what you said above and it really makes a lot of sense....thank you

sunny, how fun and sooo aromatic to peel and eat an orange in session! I love that.

I also love those oh-so-comfortable sessions that feel like a warm visit with an old friend. I think the relationship grows deeper in those sessions as well.

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It gets me wondering though, if I felt so competent and functional and basically, happy, all the time, would I need to go to therapy anymore?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> Sure, as long as you are curious (and you strike me as a very curious and intelligent woman) there's always something to explore more. Nothing is static, things change all the time. Even our perceptions of things, so the same topic can be talked about many times over many years.

The person I used to write to has been in analysis for most of her life and loves exploring new things and revisiting old things. That sounds good to me.

I'm glad it was a good comfy session.

Sunny, Coincidentally, my t. and I were discussing this very topic yesterday. I told him I was feeling "guilty" about therapy and wondering if I was being self-indulgent. I asked him how long his clients generally see him on an average. He said that it varies a lot, but that generally it falls into 3 categories.

1) He has a group that have been coming for years and find the process helpful. They see it as something on-going as life changes and they face new challenges. Kind of like a regualar part of their life.

2) He has clients that have a specific problem, trauma or difficult life event. They come until they feel comfortable and in a place where they no longer find therapy necessary or even desirable.

3) Finally, he has a group of people who he sees periodically. He said there is no set time-table. They begin as regular weekly clients and slowly begin to cut back. It is done with the understanding that they can/will return whenever they want. Many come back for a few sessions & then he might not see them again for a year or so. They touch base and this helps them a lot.

He thinks it helps a lot of people to think of therapy as a "process" rather than a "treatment".

I don't know if this helps at all. But, it made me feel good to know that it is ok to end reguar therapy, but not really "Terminate". It's always there and okay to just drop-in and get a "tune-up" when needed or when I just miss him
tulips

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almeda24fan said:
Maybe he knows that you have trouble talking about what you 'need' from people and so he has incorporated that little phrase into your treatment?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">I think that is probably true, almedafan. It also is a phrase that reminds me I need to be the leader in therapy.

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how fun and sooo aromatic to peel and eat an orange in session!

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">ECHOES, T had to leave the room in the middle of my session and when he came back, commented, "it smells like oranges in here." So yeah, very aromatic.... (When I read what you wrote, I keep seeing "romantic" instead of "aromatic," lol. Yep, that's us, sharing a hot and heavy orange peeling session.)

tulips, thanks for your thoughtful post. It was very helpful. The first time I saw my T, he told me he does not do longterm therapy, and he considered that to be anything over 3 years. So I knew from the very beginning I could not see him longer than 3 years (I am almost up to a year and a half). But in the past few months, he has mentioned to me several times, that he sees some clients off and on for many years. He may not see them for months or even years, and then they are back to see him again, and they pick right back up where they left off (relationshipwise) and work on the new issue that they need help with. So this is a lot different from what he told me at the beginning. I wondered if maybe his mentioning this was a way of planting seeds that we need not make a firm break when the time comes, but leave our relationship open. This was indeed very comforting to me. My T has used that same term you did about the subsequent visits--"tune-up." And yes, I agree, I never think of therapy as a "treatment." And yes, maybe I need to banish the word "terminate" from my thoughts. It is quite harsh and threatening--think Arnold Schwarzenegger's blood quest in The Terminator.

Today is a very important divorce meeting for me. T will be there. As he told me Monday, "there will be conflict." I realized when he said that, that to me, a successful meeting/interaction is one in which there is no conflict instead of one where the outcomes are good. I'm not sure what to do with that realization. It doesn't make me want to avoid conflict any less. Maybe it's a start....

I am struggling to get myself to see therapy as a process not a treatment or quick fix. For some reason I can't seem to get it through my thick head that it is OK for me to go and talk with someone even though I am not in an emergency crisis situation. I should be able to say, I go to therapy because it is something that I want to do for myself. I think when i can say this without feeling guilty about needing something, then I will know I am ready to quit.