hard time - going without

Ok I’ve been struggling just simply about the fact that this means so much to me to struggle over it…. But I guess it is better to acknowledge things than let them stay ignored. My mood has been getting worse all week and *grrrrrr* I really don’t want to admit the cuase, but it is that my MD (who is more like a T to me than my actual T) is going out of the country Friday. I am in panic mode about it. She sees me every month (give or take) and has me call every week with a check in – half the time she also calls me back with info or clarifying questions, or to tell me she really, really likes my updates. And for her to be gone…. I … it just… I’ve not wanted to admit to something so childish. And yet, I’ve stopped caring about things, not filling out the chart she has me fill out, not calling with as detailed updates… my mood has gone from saddness to depression to irritability to “I don’t care”. It scares me that something will come up and she’ll be gone – with no back up even. Or that something will happen and she’ll never return. And this time in between will be 2 months. It’s ridiculous, I know, but that’s the longest I’ve gone without seeing her since I started in July. I’m having withdrawals! I mean really, she and my actual T (who my MD told me to go to) are the only people I can really count as my support group IRL… I do have two friends IRL, but they both live pretty far away and often go “MIA” for long stretches of time. Maybe that’s one reason my MD told me not to go into "nervous mode" (panic) – because I was getting really concerned that she’d leave and I couldn’t get the meds I was out of and her office was being really unhelpful (saying “Well, what do you want ME to do about it?!), and I wasn’t even sure if she’d left yet or not or was taking her normal Tuesday day off…. I don’t mean to be a pest, and I am also trying to meet my own needs (something I don’t do well) and the whole thing just sucked. I am glad that I did get to talk with her in person before she left (even though it was a harried, short minute, and I felt like a pile of dung for wasting her time…even though her office couldn’t solve the problem) – I don’t even know how long she’ll be gone! Like almost a month, I think... like till April 12 or something. I am getting myself keyed up – I need to breathe….

When one is used to caring for one’s self – one forgets that others care, unless told (by some means) frequently.

I don’t like it – it makes me feel really young… and naked. Like I cannot protect myself from this thing – this caring thing. Being cared for can be scary. But needing to be cared for (once it starts) is even scarier. I don’t like the me that needs to be cared for. We have to be able to take care of ourself! When people leave (and they always leave) then what!?! If we don’t maintain, then we’ll just fall apart.

((((((( Kiya )))))))

ty fuzzy

i got up the courage to tell t all that (well, most of it) and she actually responded;

"I am glad you can be in touch with and acknowledge how much fear you are feeling. I think all told that [your MD] will be out of the country for 3 weeks. I know where she is and in an emergency could reach her. It is important for you to know that. I know the locations she is traveling to and her travel plans. I think it would be a really good idea for you to track the usual things you track for her and bring them to your session with me. Then you will have them when she returns, which will help her view what is happening better. I know the basics of what she is doing, and having ongoing info, when possible helps. She and I do work together, and I am here, and you are not alone. Glad you could communicate. That usually helps ground fear. Take care, and breathe. L"

I am just floored - I had no idea my MD would give all her travel plans to T. I am assuming it doesn't actually have anything to do with me, but I am still astounded. It's like a big weight off my shoulders somehow - makes my MD real again.
It is odd - in the posts i read these kinds of things with all of you and your T's.... it is the same thing, but on my MD instead. I've known her only 9 months... and known T 6 months... I know T travels out of the country often as well... this is like a preview for me of coming attractions.
Kiya

I think it is scary to have to need somebody too. But yet you want them to care, you need them to care, but it scares you. I get that I think. I told my T a few sessions ago I feel like he really cares, but I told him that scares me too. He told me someday you will just trust it is okay for him to care. So maybe your T thinks the same thing? I think that is great you have such a caring doctor. I like mine too, I actually cried in front of him before I ever did my T at the time.

(((((Kiya)))))

That is such a supportive response from your T. I hope it helps reassure you. Maybe in your MD's absence, you can lean more on your T.

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I’ve not wanted to admit to something so childish.

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I don't think it's childish, Kiya. You are used to her care and support. She sounds wonderful, not many Drs. are like that. I would miss her too!

I think everyone has a support group of sorts. I have three - my T, my Pdoc, and a lady that I work with at school. I idealize them all (except for my T right now which is a different story). When I'm stressed, you can be sure that I am reaching out to one if not all of them!

I'm sorry you are so anxious about her leaving. I understand how stressful that can be. I'll be here if you need me I'll be a part of your support circle

Take care of yourself, Kiya. Love ya'

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> happyflower girl: I think that is great you have such a caring doctor. I like mine too, I actually cried in front of him before I ever did my T at the time.

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Me too! Actually I gave MD a thank you card and she satred crying - and then I was crying. She said "Now we're both gonna cry". It's not the first time i've gotten all teary eyed in front of her, either.


</div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> sunrise: "that is such a supportive response from your T. I hope it helps reassure you. Maybe in your MD's absence, you can lean more on your T. "

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It does help - i had no idea she even knew all that... makes me wonder just how close they work together in regards to me.... and actually, i think that that might be my MD's goal. She keeps saying T "Is gonna be your angel" and i keep thinking - sorry! that spot's already been filled!


</div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> soliaree: "I'm sorry you are so anxious about her leaving. I understand how stressful that can be. I'll be here if you need me I'll be a part of your support circle "

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(((((((( Sol ))))))) thank you so much!!! *makes me cry*

Kiya,
It sounds to me like your T is stepping up and wanting to give you support while your MD is away. This may give you a chance to bond more with her.

Yeah.... i know i'm supposed too... *shaking in boots*....
I've been really careful about bonding (attaching to) with her and taking it slowly just so i don't go through this horriffic deal like several of us in the forum have had with t's and i have with my md.
I know i am supposed to be relying on her more... i just am hesitant.

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Kiya said:
i don't go through this horriffic deal like several of us in the forum have had with t's and i have with my md.

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We have nothing to fear but fear itself.


That working for ya?

Me neither

mmmmmmmmmmmmmm NOPE. lol

how are things mckell??

Well my t is sort of taking MD's place (pulling out her Nurse pract. skills) and having me do my medical check ins with her while my MD is out. we've even had phone contact both yesterday and today and I've been emailing her as well. she is very determined to have me understand that she is real, and here for me, and that we have this 'relationship' (a foreign substance I am not fully grasping, but trying). She refers to it often and holds us both accountable for it.
I had given up on her yesterday, despite the 3 min phone call and had SIed despite my pact with her that i have to call before acting... so she called me today to check in and i did tell her. So i guess all is good in this 'relationship' and i have permission to call her tomorrow night as well (my usual session time that has been changed) after her group if i need to.
It is still hard for me to hold her as real and as "someone wanting to help". I still feel like i have to do everything with and for my self and not allow her to help me - or even want to.
Kiya

Kiya,

This is just a question. Do you think you may be resisting this relationship with your T because you feel like she is trying to replace your pdoc? Or that you are somehow betraying you pdoc and the relationship you the two of you sharer? This is just a question, I am not imply that you should feel this way.

This may be totally off base-
Reading your posts I kind of made me thing of my step-daughter. I have a great open relationship with both of my step-daughters. I entered their lives when they were in their mid teens, both are now adults. One has had a very difficult time dealing with her mother.

It has only been in the past year, that she has started to interact with her mother. Although I was not in the picture at the time, things got really bad between my husband and his ex-wife. When they separated for good, the kids (in their early teens) stayed with their dad. As wife #2, I have always attempted to supportive both of them in their relationship with girls. My step-daughter and I have had many conversations over the years about her mom. Mainly because her dad does not have any kind words to say about the woman. I'm a neural party and simply listen. In my conversations with her over the years, it has always seemed like she felt a lot of guilt about wanting a relationship with her mother. Kind of like she would be betraying/hurting her father if she indicated that she cared about her or was interested in getting to know her. My husband also does a lot of things to feed this guilt, even today. I imagine this is common in divorce.

This past year my step-daughter seems to be finding her own way and seeing her mother from a more humanistic perspective. I think she has finally realize that the terms of their relationship are between just the two of them. My husband tends to get defensive and makes this difficult. Luckily, now that she is living on her own she has the distance from him to explore this relationship.

I don't know, I am so glad for her that she has come to realize that she can love and have a good relationship with both her parents. I really think she is growing a lot and will be a lot happier as she does this.

I think if you take a change an let your T in, you may realize that you can have two really great people who can help you when you need it. I'm sure both of these relationship will be unique and rich in their own way.

Sorry if I am off base here, just think'en out loud.

...Oh am I just full of fuzzy love today. If I could only just embrace the relationships in my own life!

mckell, i suppose it is possible. i don't have a pdoc - just an MD who i love and adore because she is the coolest person on earth; beautiful, witty, smart, caring, understanding, empathetic, and has taken me under her wing. she sent me to this T and keeps saying this T will be my angel (because MD cannot help me with the psych stuff). It is taking me longer to really care for t. I will have to think about this more.
thanks - kiya

Sorry Kiya, your MD is who I meant to say. It takes me long time to "warm up" to people in general. We all move at our own pace...and that's OK... so I've been told.

The interesting thing about the relationship between my step-daughter and her mom is-- if you asked her if her mother option or reactions towards her mother were influenced by her feelings for her dad, she would say 'no, way, my dad has nothing to do with it!' However, her perspective has changed with age especially now that she is living away from home. She is realizing more of how her feelings were shaped/ influenced by others. As an outsider it was pretty clear but she couldn't until now.

Nice one about nothing to fear but fear itself, McKell, LOL.

(((((Kiya))))))
It sounds like you're in a difficult situation. You want your MD and no one else will do. I would be the same if someone tried to do the job that my T is doing. Am I right in saying that your MD is coming back in 2 months? (I'm sorry about not remembering). It sounds to me like you need a hippo I'll share mine with you if I ever figure a way to kidnap it. Until then, feel free to PM me and keep posting. We love ya' and are here for you!

lol sol. I do have a gator tho. sort of comparable. it is true - i don't want anyone else even though i know my MD can't deal with the abuse and emotional issues. She started to and i was scared and amazed... and then she gave me over to t. t really is a good lady.... she'll just never be my MD. She'll be gone only 3 weeks (so says t).... she's not even been gone one full week yet. I didn't even know i cared this much until this came up.

(((((((((((((mckell, soliaree)))))))))))))))

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Kiya said:
she'll just never be my MD.

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OK, so she cannot be a your MD. What can she be to you? Maybe if you change your focus. Kind of like, love the one your with. I know this is easy to say and a lot harder to do. Just trying to offer you something.

i'm having a really hard day!!

((((Kiya))))

(((((((((((ty sunrise!!))))))))))