begging for understanding

i love you guys... you have been such strong supporters for me. i have friends but none that i talk to, you know?

this med/hormone/med/hormone/garbage is making me into someone else... i don't understand myself and i sometimes dont' recognize myself.

PC is confusing for me right now. My "normal" personality is difficult for some people to understand and/or accept the best of times... and as painful as that may be, i am ok with it generally. i have arguments or debates more than average and that is ok, i have strong opinions and i'm vocal... and honestly, being the sort of artist i am, i have to be that way.. it's ideally suited for it. i say a lot that the aspects of me which rub some wrong are part of the same thing which makes me succeed where others faulter (sp?). i'm bold and "out there," all of which i am ok with... i usually let things roll off me when it isn't people i am close to or care about...

but lately, especially these past three or four days... i am not me... not myself. i am usually so benign and cheery.. but i am hair-triggered and easily upset.

for pete's sake.. i'm more Buddhist than anything else... i am broad minded about so much and probably, IRL, more tolerant than most you could meet... but being online has made me be something else... this irritability is not helping.

things have happened in my life which have not helped me trust people, or even give them the benefit of the doubt. i mistrust almost everyone and think the worst quickly

i am so sorry... please give me lattitude, please understand this isn't me... if i say something, give me a chance, talk to me directly...

i have three to four months of this if things do not level out..

(((((((((mzjellofluff)))))))))

Hmmm. I am not aware of anything you have done that needs special "understanding" or forgiveness.

((((((((Fluff))))))))

thanks guys

pach.. it's more that i am asking for a wide berth, and the benefit of the doubt.. even though i am having trouble doing the same.

> benefit of the doubt.

You got it.

((((((((((((( Fluff )))))))))))))))

I will be as understanding as you need. I promise. One of the things I like best about you is that "you are out there". I know you mean what you say. I haven't been on much cause like many others', I am struggling a lot. Hang on ((((fluff))))

tulips

No need to beg, we give it freely, I'm sure!

I'm reminded of when I worked at the Pentagon for the Navy and my boss, a Commander, when I'd be picking up papers or dropped items from the floor, etc. use to say, "No need to get down on your hands and knees, a simple salute will do". He was funny.

Back then in the mid-70's we had typewriters, no computers, and had to type with like 5 carbon copies, all letters perfectly, we weren't allowed any mistakes or erasures because our letters went to cabinet-level department heads and Congressional committees, etc. But my boss use to like to stand around and try to make one make a mistake when one was typing :-) He succeeded and I tore out the paper and carbons, balled them up and threw them at him. Only I missed and it bounced off a doorframe and hit the lead secretary (my age we were "friends") and she started blaming me and I'm yelling at him that he made me mess up and he was to quit yakking at me. He was hyperactive so always on the move :-) and we were a long, thin office space with multiple doors in and out so he'd often go out one and come back in the other 2 seconds later which he did, adding to the sense of chaos, and saying, "And I'm not a yak. . . I'm a baby llama."

I understand. And I'm sorry too....you know why..

I will MARK this down in my notebook so that I don't forget. But don't worry. I wouldn't stRAY from our friendship and blame you for the way you are feeling. LOVE YOU.

you guys are the best

i can't seem to catch a break, biologically speaking... i feel pretty good today and some of yesterday, but i am still "edgey" and i am so afraid of going off at someone someplace... i can't understand myself at all...

i don't think the real me could hurt a flea... ok, well, a flea YES... they must not exist in my immediate space.. but i really do round up any other bugs and put them outside. Oh.. and i guess i am guilty of trapping/killing fruit flies.

i think i have been more defensively reactive than anything... someone says boo and i rip their head off.

it seems like feeling good and able to take on the challenges i face is paired with something dreadful.....

thanks for understanding peoples

We love ya Jello!

Argumentative, hormonal, happy, sad, honest, direct, insightful, flea killer, ...I like it.

((((((((((fluff!!!)))))))))))

lol!

Argumentative, hormonal, happy, sad, honest, direct, insightful, flea killer, ...I like it. "

=) me toooooo

((Jello))

Sorry you aren't feeling like yourself.

You sound like yourself though!!



Peace

ya... sounding like me in this context takes a lot of forethought, and editing i worry about the people caught in the whiplash when i react too quick. This is most relevant in chat of course, just due to the speed of it. It also means that i am hurt at lightning speed as well, and so chat is not always safe for me... i tend to stick to brief chats or chats with peeps i feel safe with... for now

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Argumentative, hormonal, happy, sad, honest, direct, insightful, flea killer, ...I like it.

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omg.. i almost spit coffee at my screen!! HAHAHAHAHAHA... perfect!

i think i want that on a mug... omg mckell... that is priceless

My one step daughter is a total clean freak. I'm not very domesticated. As a young adult, she used to get her partying money from me by offering to give our kitchen a "good" cleaning. She got sick of hearing her dad berate me about the house all the time. She bought this plaque for our kitchen and put it up on the wall. Martha Steward doesn't live here, ADJUST! I came home from work that day an about died laughing when I entered the house. Her dad thought it was funny too, but didn't get that it was directed at him.

i've been feeling irritable, too. hard to know what to do about that sometimes... i try and think 'this too shall pass' but i'm not sure how much that helps...

my t asked me something today. i had an episode of intense self loathing / hatred and he asked me if my self loathing / hatred was like that that my mother felt towards me. and it kinda was.

so i wonder... with respect to the irritability... i wonder if someone felt irritable towards you? i dunno... still thinking about my own case... dunno.

no alex.. that is a very relevant question really... im sitting in this hormone/bipolar soup and it's affecting me greatly... but i am also affected by my history. i am painfully aware of how my feelings mimic my past... how they are triggered...

yes.. definitely irritated my mother... definitely. She had her own issues, but in the end my existence was not good timing with her issues... i was a difficult child.. always wanting to explore and get into things... i wanted to know about everything... i was hard to keep up with. i know she had so little patience in those days... it lead to things which heavily impacted my development.. yeah, for sure