Integrating feelings

My therapy has been quite intense lately. (an understatement) T said that as a child I was left unintegrated. I have been feeling awful and having an extremely difficult time holding it all together. I'm okay at work but the minute I get into my car-BAM-I feel like I want to die. I went for a new evaluation with pdoc and change of anti-depressant because of constant suicidal ideation. T said that I probably was suicidal as a child. I spoke to a close friend who is a T and she said that it is a gradual release of the dissociative defense. She also said that integrating affect is extremely painful. In many ways I feel worse now than I did when I began therapy. I know that this work will make me whole but at what price?

I mean, I adore T and he is extremely supportive but this is such powerful and excruciating work. When I am in the depths of it I just keep hearing his voice say, "Miss, it's a lot but it's not too much."

It doesn't sound like you have a good alternative other than to crawl forward? it does sound excruciating and difficult (understatement). I hope the change of anti-depressant helps the suicidal ideation.

Keep posting, we're here. {{{MissCharlotte}}}

ooooooh, that sounds HARD. But good, too. Like some DEEP healing is taking place. I hope the new anti-depressant makes it more bearable for you. I'm glad you can feel safe enough with T to do this work. Now I know what my T says when he says I do something "courageous" because that's just how I'm feeling about what YOU are doing....you are being courageous.

((((((((((((((((Miss C )))))))))))))))

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I'm okay at work but the minute I get into my car-BAM-I feel like I want to die

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For some reason, I'm also okay at work but have more difficulty at home, too. I'm sorry that you are feeling so lousy, MISS. I know that the intense emotions are excruciating. We're here for you along with your T Miss, it's alot but it's not too much. As I've said before, you're very courageous and continue to persevere. Love ya'