[Kiya]

Aside from my obvious finantial and ins dilemma, there is the fact that I cannot meet T's aims of integration. I know that my aims have to match my t's aims for any good to happen. but i have yet to find any sort of therapy for DID/MPDs that seem effective. I am realizing that of the parts, the destructives are not going to give up hold without a struggle. and T is not ready for that struggle....she cannot help me in a crisis (all out battle of parts). And her work is undermining the system. She wants me to start trauma work, but the destructives will intervein. It's jst not a pretty picture. So, weiging my options, it perhaps is truly better to stop therapy. I mean, i could continue in "daily support" therapy, but t thinks that will only keep me where i am... so what's the use?
If i go her way, the destructives will take over and place me in inpat. care... and i will lose everything financially i have worked to gain; my independence, my car, my stability. the parts hold the stability in a precarious balance. I have not seen anyone struggling with this come forward yet and say 'yep - that's what i did any everything's better for it, no more parts (or everyone works together) and everything is soooo much better now and has been for years".
So really, perhaps the undoing of systems like mine is not the key. perhaps it is really time to set down this idea of therapy once and for all (or at least for a while) and go back to making it on my own as i was.

[pegasus]

Hello Kiya,

Why is your T hell-bent on full integration? I personally feel that it's not a one-size-fits-all thing. Everyones system is different and the therapy needs to be able to suit you.

I do think that you will need to do the trauma work though and if you know that this is coming up of course that's going to be scary. T will need to help you to prepare for this and give you additional coping strats. It is easy to go into the black thinking and think of all the worst case scenarios if things go wrong. But maybe that won't happen. Maybe you are stronger now?

You know your system better than anyone, I hope things get better for you soon.

[ECHOES]

Could it be that your fear of the Trauma work is causing you to focus on your feelings about integration which allows you to avoid the Trauma work by stopping therapy?

Why not see where the Trauma work takes you for now?

[(JD)]

I'm wondering why the goals of YOUR therapy have become the goals of the therapist's instead.

You're right in that not all those with DID have to fully integrate. You're also right that it can be a very tumultuous time.

I understand your hesistancy.
Why do you say that your T can't handle this?

If I'm correct, the author of When Rabbit Howls never fully integrated, and yet lives a full life in Tampa, FL.

Yes, time to have a good sit down discussion about revamping the goals of therapy, imo.

[Fuzzybear]

[MissCharlotte]

HI KIYA,

It sounds like you and T need to discuss these feelings you have together. It feels important for you to hang on to what stability you have managed, so tell her that and see where the conversation takes you. Quitting altogether doesn't feel right either, because then you would be without support and that's not such a great idea, is it?

Good luck.

Peace

[Kiya]

=(
ty all on the responses

i seem to be out voted

mainly t knows very little about DID/MPD - I well may be her first such client. just her mentioning trauma work last week set the destructives off and they tried to do me great harm. the censoring unit wouldn't allow me to tell t when she called. if i had been able to, i probably would have been hospitalized as a suicide attempt.

MD talked about having me see a DID spec. but now it seems i have no ins. *sigh* i guess i will talk with t about it, but it seems that it is more de-stablizing to try therapy/trauma work than just to let it be.

Kiya

It's YOUR therapy....if the thought of doing trauma work right now is leading you to wanting to quit therapy...maybe it's not time to do trauma work.

And if integration isn't your goal, then (IMHO) T needs to respect that.

I know the feeling SO well of wanting to run far, far away from therapy, and I can always come up with a *really great!* reason, but deep down, on some level, I know it's just the fear of what's coming next. I always force myself to go and talk about that urge to run, and that fear, and it helps me grow a little bit, and feel a little more safe with T.

[serafim_etal]

Integration is no longer the "gold standard" for DID. I think you really need to discuss this with your T. Also...a lot of T's believe that trauma work should only be done on the client's schedule...ie...if it comes up deal with it...if it doesn't, leave it be.

[sunrise]

Kiya, I have a book called I Am More Than One and it is true stories of women with DID who lead productive and successful lives. It is inspiring and encouraging. I agree with others in this thread who have said that integration is not the gold standard of treatment anymore. Many people live successfully with DID and sometimes it is healthier to not try to force integration of all the personalities, perhaps just some or not at all. Everyone is different.

I think there is also having family/systems therapy among the parts to help them learn to work better together. Does your T do any of that? Do you think the destructives need therapy to help them not be so destructive? Do they ever come to session?

I know when a male protector ego state of mine was stepping more into the foreground with me, we had some clashes (the male and I) and T tried to do some "couples therapy" with us in session (although I was the only one present then) to try to get us to work toward common goals and make sure the male was reassured that he could still have other functions if his protector role diminished.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
I know that my aims have to match my t's aims for any good to happen.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">I agree, Kiya, it would be a problem in therapy if your and your T's goals were at odds. Whose goals are more important?

I agree with you, Kiya, that you would not want to do anything in therapy to make you lose your hard-won financial gains. Could you work in therapy with the destructives to try to get them "on board" before proceeding with trauma work? What do you think the role of your destructives is? Do you think they are protecting you from the pain of reopening old wounds by being against the trauma work?

I hope you will continue therapy.

[bchlyn]

((((((kiya))))))

[Kiya]

Good questions sunrise...
no - they've not come to therapy yet... none of the destructives have, and very few of the others have... and never announced themselves or talked with t.

the destructives' work is to be an eracer - a silencer. the lowers are not as dangerous as the uppers. the lowers keep "the system in line" with the goal of the head unit to keep us quiet. if we go past them, then the uppers step in to erace us - to remove us, to keep us from ever saying. these are the goals of the head unit ,which tie in with the original abuser. it's like having the mafia living within me... you talk, you die. you try to talk, you suffer. "i could tell you, but i'd have to kill you" kind of mentailty. except the talking gets the speaker injured and (thankfully) not the listener. That's why i think that trying much without someone experienced in what the parts are really capable of could really endanger the body. I'll have to see if T knows about that family therapy stuff like you did. I dunno the parts would be willing... but it might be a start.

Sera -- yeah i will have to tell t that integration is probably not an option... at least not right now. I can try to tell her that about how most ppl know now that integration is not the end all, be all. I don't know if the destructives will ever be approachable.

Earthmama - I did sent t an email saying i was really scared about trauma work and she did say she would not force me. *whew*.

[Kiya]

t nor t's office will let me drop - not even with lack of ins. probably a good thing - but i don't really care right now one way or the other